Live Through This And You Won't Look Back...

We've come to an agreement, her and I, we've laid down the rules for our relationship... That Josh thing will never happen again, he'll never come between us when I want to see her, etc. I think I'm satisfied, I think everything is fine, or if not fine, then... Well, I can live with it (and not without her), so I've done the best with what I have.

I will continue writing though, and I think she knows now that she can never take that away from me, and I know she never wanted to, and still doesn't. It's just... Alright, this morning, after I got out of my shower, I was so depressed, so depressed, I just wanted to die. And I was so angry that I hadn't been able to write what I wanted to, and so angry that I still couldn't, and I honestly didn't know what to do to relieve my pain... And for the first time in 17 years I actually wondered how much cutting myself would help. It's not that I ever actually considered doing it... But I recognized it as an option. And I think cutting is the stupidest thing. After this, I realized that I just cannot stay quiet, no matter what. It means too much to me, and Jill knows that, and I know that she would never ask me to stop doing it... She might want me to, and she knows that I would most likely do it if she asked... But she won't. Because she loves me too much.

Oh, my lyric is from a break-up song of sorts... And that may sound strange, because it most certainly did not happen (we grew so much closer this weekend, I have a beautiful paragraph that I still might type out, because I think it's true enough, it's beautiful enough to be timeless, one of those things that I'll be able to relate later, despite the time factor). But, that lyric, it's so true to me... Well, actually, at the same time it's not. Of course you'll look back, of course I will. But, it seems to say to me that if you live through this, you will be so much better for it, you will be stronger and you will love more and you will simply know so much more, you will be more whole, more a person. Live through this, and you will look back... And smile.

I realized something, doing the dishes and thinking about life, as those two tasks seem to go together so readily... I guess I had always kind of thought that her not telling him everything, her being more willing to hurt me rather than him, I always thought, in the very back of my mind, that that meant that she loved him just that much more. But... no. If the situation were reversed, she wouldn't want to tell me about him, right? She knows how badly that would hurt... I have to reverse it in my mind, to put her in my shoes, or rather put myself in his and he in mine... This is not easy any way you look at it.

If I were closer, if I could see her all the time... This would be so much easier. I think everything would be perfect then. If it wasn't for the fact that she has known him for so much longer, if I had that amount of familiarity... Things would be more fair, things would be more right. Well, you know what? That's going to change one day. She'll be closer. I will have that time, the time that he has over me. And then? Well, I don't know. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't. But the fact is, I have to realize that I am the one in a poor position here, aye? I think I've made the best with a very, very difficult situation. They were together a whole year. I live so far away. That's a ridiculous handicap to overcome, right? It is, and I think the fact that she loves me this much is a testament to... Well, to me. As arrogant as that sounds, it's kind of nice to recognize that maybe, maybe I'm an alright guy. *Sigh* It's tough, but I knew that when I got into this, right?

Wrong. Oh, fucking wrong. I never, never would've guessed what love was. Love has been the most painful, beautiful, terrible, wonderful, destructive, greatest thing to ever happen to me. I know so, so much more than ever before. And despite what it's done to me, the way it's changed me that little bit, all the times I've cried, every time I've died a bit, it's been worth it for every time I've laughed, every time I've kissed her, every time I've realized the extent of my love, the extent of her love... It's been so worth it.

I love you and always will Jillian.