...'Cause They Don't Know How Real Love Feels...

My moods are all thrown out of whack now, it's all my fucking Mother's fault... She really doesn't understand it, how I have this pathetic, psychological need to talk to Jill before we go to bed... She wouldn't really understand if I told her either, because frankly I don't understand, it's just another one of those strange quirks that make up who I am.

Jill, I wasn't joking when I told you not to be sorry (so of course you had to go apologize again, you silly girl)... My moods and quirks really are my fault, not yours. I have been like this all my life, with the strangest little things sending me off the deep-end like that... And I think you know that, you probably realize I'm being stupid and have no reason to be angry... But the fact that you still make it out to be your fault, you still apologize and try to make me feel better, that fact makes me love you all the more. Thank you.

So... The Josh/Jill/Chris thing has finally reached a head I think. He knows about me, he knows about her, and hopefully he realizes that we intend it to stay like this. They haven't broken up yet, and though I'm expecting and hoping for it to happen, I won't push the situation further... This is between them now, and I can only sit on the sidelines and pray the game is not rained out.

I'm just so, so relieved that the secret is finally out, that all the lying is over, that we don't have to hide anymore. I no longer have to hide my love for her, I no longer have to sneak around in secret, and nor does she... We are free, and that feeling of freedom is almost palpatable, I can taste it and feel it. Even if they don't break up yet, at least he knows that he's sharing her, and at least I know we're on even footing here.

So I will have her all to myself, if not tomorrow, then someday soon... And you know what? Maybe it's because Josh has more backbone than I, if he's not willing to share her as the situation calls for then maybe it's because he's a bigger man, a better man, or more of a man, I honestly don't know... But no matter what, I will have her, and in fact I already do.

The situation shall progress, and I shall keep you posted... And now, I sustain myself, and stave off this missing her, with the thought that I will see her next weekend, one way or another, and we will be together again, and things will be just as they always were, and always will be.

They say to hope for the best, and plan for the worst, aye? I'm hoping, praying and planning for the best on all fronts. I seemed broken before, or bent, whatever... But at least I can say that I come through this unjaded, my optimism intact, my head on as straight as it always was (not very), and still my own very best friend. We may fight (me and me, that is)... But nothing wil ever make me hate myself for any serious length of time. I might scream at myself (literally), and I might hate myself for a night... But the thing is, I'll always come running back to me, because I think that I'm the only one who can stand knowing who I truly am. Except... Maybe she can too. Maybe.

I love you Jill.

(Addendum: Ha ha ha, just before I went to bed, so optimistic about everything, someone asked me... "Have you ever considered the possibility that she might just do the exact same thing to you, turn it around, just tell you that things are going badly with Josh when really they've patched things up? Make you the one out of the loop?" Is it sad that I have so much faith in her, so much faith in her love, that that never even actually occured to me? I mean, not like it came up and I discarded it immediately, I mean I never actually had the thought enter my mind. Well, you know what? It still really hasn't, so the answer to their question is "No, I never have, and never will, consider that possibility, you idiot." If there's one thing Jill would never do to me, it's that. I mean, Jill and I have hurt each other, almost always (actually, always) unintentionally... But I think there is one thing we never do to each other, and that is lie. I mean, she knows I hate lying, I hate not knowing more than anything... I'm that guy who would always choose the red pill, I always prefer painful knowledge to being safe and out of the loop. So she knows that she never has to lie to me, and I know that she never would, and vice-versa... We know each other well enough to owe each other that. That is why I never, never worry about situations like that one. Ha ha ha, and I just realized that this addendum paragraph has become the longest one in this blog... Well, on that note, bed time. And, just to end this on a high note as I did before... I love you Jill, more than anything.)