...I Keep Drinking The Ink From My Pen...

Well, if there's one thing I've learned lately, it's that the truth simply cannot stand on its own. This situation continues on, against all odds, and I don't know when it's going to end. Argh, I hate so much when I make her out to be a liar, it hurts me so much, but I can't decide what hurts more... When I do it to her, or when she does it to me.

I guess I shouldn't complain so much... I mean, I have exactly what I wanted before, freedom to tell the truth, freedom to love her, and I know that she's not going to let him stop that... So then why does this bother me so much? Well... I know why, I know why, and I try so hard not to let the lies bother me, but I haven't perfected a defence against it yet.

See, the problem is, I have nothing to gauge this by... Am I being a horrible boyfriend, am I being a bad person, when I say that she lies? I mean, never mind what the truth is... Is that something I shouldn't be doing at all, no matter if it's true or not? Or does the very fact that that's what's happening give me the right? Are there even objective standards for something like this?

No, there aren't. There are no objective standards, for anything, and I've always known that. I have to decide for myself how much I can take, I have to decide for myself whether I'm being a bad person or not... No one can tell me, because no one is right, and everyone is right, and no one is right. We are all right... But only so far as it pertains to us. So I get to make my own decisions here, and that thought both horrifies and empowers me. I know now that I will only put my foot down when I decide the situation calls for it, no one can tell me when it's right. And Jill knows that, if this doesn't stop soon (soon being a very subjective term), that eventually I will do it. But, at the same time, I can stop feeling bad that I haven't done it yet, because only I get to decide how much I can take. God I enjoy the feeling of having a spine.

So this is going to continue, and I am allowed to bitch about it, and Jill is allowed to say whatever she wants to in order to pacify Josh, and Josh is allowed to believe whatever he wants... Because no one, no one can dictate this situation to us. And as long as I can hold on to that, and hold on to the fact that I will have her eventually, I can get through all the pain that this is causing me.

I love you Jill, as my best friend and as much, much more than that. And I know that you feel the same. And nothing can take that away from us.