I Found A Liquid Cure For My Landlocked Blues...

Alright, I'm about to go on a relaxing walk, and I feel good, I'm in a good mood, I feel very at peace, I feel like a good person right now. And I feel very truthful and forgiving, so I'm delaying my walk because there are some things I need to say.

I'm really scared about this weekend, this weekend with Jill, because I know what's going to happen. She knows what's going to happen. He probably knows what's going to happen. There is just this mass group tension, and we're all just building up and waiting for it, and it's all going to come out after this, and he's going to realize that everything fits, and this is all going to go down... While I'm away for the week in Washington. The worst possible time. And I could delay it if I could, but the fact is... No, I can't. It's just not going to happen, she knows it, he knows it, I know it most of all, or least of all, either way. And on the one hand, I'm relieved, immensely relieved, because after this the choice is his, and to a lesser extent hers, and it will be out of my hands, and everythig will happen. On the other hand... I'm scared as hell.

I was thinking, as I was doing the dishes, about this whole thing. Me and Josh have been fighting, sniping at each other, sending stupid little emails with thinly veiled hurt, and we both know it's stupid, or I think we do. And I lamented how I used to be able to look for the good in everyone, how I used to never hate, and I wondered "What happened to that Chris?" And I realized... He'd never left. And I began to think to myself that, to be honest, I didn't really hate Josh... I mean, there are times when I do, many times, but right now, in my good state, that state that used to be the most natural for me, I can see. He is just fighting for the woman he loves, the same as I, and while I can lament that he had his chance and blew it, and I can dwell on the many things about him that I don't like, I know that, when it comes down to it, he's only doing the same as me, the only thing we know how to do; fight, and cling, and wait. So... This is not me liking him, this is not me apologizing to him, this is the verbal equivalent of that handshake we shared so long ago: this is understanding.

I feel better now, and I wouldn't be in such a good mood if it wasn't for that one special person. I love you Jill.