...Aimless In Wander...

She left too early, far too early, and I'm still left here, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to survive the hours ahead, because I feel as though I should be able to just lay down and die. I screamed at my Mother, full-throated, sending my sisters scurrying into the next room, and then walked outside, my shoes in one hand, my jacket in the other, and I walked fifty feet up the road before I sat down in the middle of the sidewalk, put them on, and began to bawl. For the next ten minutes I walked and sobbed and didn't know what the fuck to do.

I finally talked to her, and it made me feel so much better, and she promised to tell him, and she told me she loved me, and she made everything all better... For a time. But then she had to leave, and it was so hurried, and I knew that Josh was about to come, and I just didn't know what to do. It was like... Shock set in, and when she left I felt so numb, so cold, and I wanted to cry... But I'm saving that until I'm gone from this place.

Josh talked to me on MSN today, and I was so torn between telling him the truth and protecting her... I know she wants me to block him, because it makes me so mad, and yet I will not take the cowards way out... I just know that I will not be able to stand these assaults much longer... I was so close today, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But... she promised me she'd tell him, and I want to wait for her to do it, because it's much better coming from her than I... So I'll try my hardest, my very hardest, to wait for her.

It'll only get worse after this weekend, the lies will be so much harder to keep up once it all begins to fit into place for him, and this weekend will probably be the catalyst of all that. I... I don't know what to do. It will all be better once I'm in her arms again, once I've kissed her again and once everything is back to being normal. It'll all be better.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to go wander the streets again I suppose, aimless in wander as the song says. I hope no one pulls a knife on me this time... But at the same time, I feel like it should happen. I don't know... I just feel lost and dangerous and so completely alone right now. What do I do, what do I do? Perhaps I'll find the answers somewhere out there... Or perhaps I'll only find more tears, pain, and heartache. Or maybe I'll die. Anything could happen at this point, and in my numbness anything would be a nice change of pace. Anything.

I love you Jillian.