...In The Distance, Moving Closer...

I spent the whole train ride writing in my journal, writing this long, beautiful blog entry about how much I love her, how much closer to her I grew this weekend, about all the things we did together. I wanted to take all my joy, everything that she gave me, and spread it out amongst you guys, give you all a piece of it to hold on to, because you all deserve that, you deserve to have a piece of my happiness because you have so much of my pain along with it. I wanted to share...

But I can't.

For reasons that should be quite obvious to everyone familiar with the story, I'm not supposed to share it with you guys, the secret is not out yet. Even this, this right here, is probably too much, my little rebellion here might be out of line...

I still might share, to be honest, I still might... We both know it's not fair that I can't. I just know how much it would hurt her, perhaps not as much as this is hurting me, but I can't bear the thought of doing that... And yet I might, I might have to, because I promised myself that I would. So the story is not lost yet, it's just delayed...

Just know... I owe it to you guys to let you know, and though the details remain hidden, you are at least allowed the broad view, I must at least be allowed to share that, because... Just because.

I love her more than ever, much, much more. We are so much closer than we were, and I honestly didn't think that was possible. Everything's gotten a little more desperate, because I think we both know that it's heading toward a hard, hard choice... But the fact is, she knows how much I love her, and I know how much she loves me. And so it is.

God, I know this is going to be bad, the aftermath, but now that I'm done... This is the first time I haven't felt like bawling since I got on the bus to leave her. This is why writing means so much to me.

Jill, I'm sorry, and I'm not, and I am. We'll talk after, this will all be better, or it won't, but it will.

I love you more than ever.