...And If You Took To Me Like A Gull Takes To The Wind...

I only have a few minutes on here before my sister kicks me off to do homework, despite the fact that I am (or was) legitimately writing my essay. God, I'm always so much happier when my whole family is gone... Well, welcome to teenage life I suppose.

*Sigh* Well, here we go, guess I'll finish this later...
-5:44-

-6:44-
Okay, so I'm back, after a screaming match with my Mother... I don't know, I'm sorry, I just think it's a little ridiculous that I should have to do all these chores, put up with all this shit, just so that I can pay for the privledge of having a whole hour on the telephone. And then, I get to wait while she waits for a call from my fucking step-father! How ridiculous is that? God I want out.

Things have gone... Awry, I suppose, on the Josh/Jill/Chris front as well. Apparently, it's not as over as we thought it was... They are still together, and though it seems their relationship is on its last legs, it's insists on tottering desperately on said legs, it persists in living, and like a stubborn cockroach will just not fucking die.

Alright, that was far too angry, I should be settling down soon, but I guess it hasn't happened yet. I'm just angry, mostly at myself, because I know she wants be to go back to keeping our little secret, and she won't ask, because she loves me far too much to ask that, but I know that's what she wants... And I don't think she knows how badly it hurts me to not be able to give her what she wants. I just... No, I can't and won't go back to hiding, no matter how much my heart keeps telling me to... I want to be able to make her as happy as possible, but this is just one thing that I can't bend on. Right?

*Sigh* I... I don't know what to do. No, that's a lie. I know what to do, and that is, for once in my life, to actually take a stand. But it's so hard, knowing that I have to tell her no, knowing that this is going to make things hard on her, knowing that I'm essentially forcing her into coming clean. It doesn't feel right, and at the same time I know it is, I know I have to do this. It's just... Being able to keep that secret for her made me feel at least somewhat adequate, you know? It made me think that there's at least something I can do for her.

I hope that she'll forgive me for this, and I hope that she'll be able to know how much this hurts me. The fact is... I can't go back to hiding my love, and it hurts me so much every time she hides it as well... But now I'm willing to take that, because I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and in fact I'm already there, I'm just waiting patiently for her... But I don't want to have to go back into the dark, because she knows how sacred I am of the dark.

There are time I almost wish I was more threatening, you know? It seems that threats have held together a disproportionate amount of relationships that I've seen... I mean, I know any relationship like that clearly isn't a real one, right? But, if I could just be a little more like that, a little more violent, a little more angry, maybe I wouldn't be so easy to push around. Unfortunately, the only person I'm really capable of threatening is myself... And I doubt that that's enough. No, I know what would help the both of us, what would help our relationship... If I had a fucking spine. If I could just put my foot down and say that's it, enough of this shit, if you really love me, then do what has to be done. But no, apparently at some point in my life I lost the will to do that... I guess maybe it was my pacifism, I don't know... I must have put down my fists and misplaced my backbone. But don't worry Jill, because I've made a resolution... I'm going to find it again. One day, someday soon, I fill once again have a fucking spine.

So that's it then... I can shout it to the rooftops that I love her, and though it hurts me so much to do so, the freedom is almost worth it. And I know that one day she will be able to do the same, and so the pain of her not-exactly-telling-the-truth-about-our-love plan is bearable, because while he might not know it's true, I know it's true, and I know that it won't always be like this. Right?

So, I'm sorry Jill... But I love you, I love you I love you I love you, and you know how much... And I just can't hold that in, it's too much for my poor little heart to handle. I will hold on and wait for you for as long as is necessary, but I can't stay quiet anymore... And with any luck, you won't have to for long either, right? Right. Just a few short (lies, long-as-hell) days, and then everything will be right again, and none of this will matter, at least for a short time. Right? Right.

Oh, and just for the record... I love you.