...Wishing You Were A Ghost...

I don't feel good today. Physically, I'm fine, but mentally... Today is just not a good day. I'm really quite depressed, which is odd... For all intents and purposes, today has been a good day I think. I shared laughs with my friends, I've been singing and dancing like my old self... But today, I've just been drifting through it, going through the motions. It's not fair to myself, it's not fair to all my friends who might think I'm actually happy, it's not fair to anyone.

I feel really cut off today, and I don't know why... I feel so trapped inside myself, so very, very lonely. It's strange, it's how I used to feel, before her, but now I'm back to it, just for the day I'm sure, but still... I feel cut off from her. I'm getting nothing, no light, no energy, it's like there's something there blocking us, and blocking me from feeling her love. I hate this feeling, this huge worry, the feeling that something is happening and I don't know. I hate this more than anything... Well, perhaps not. I don't know. I suppose I hate sharing her just as much... Because this is born from that I'm sure, or perhaps not... Perhaps I'm just back to the old depression, perhaps nothing is really going on. Nothing is certain today.

I wish... I wish he'd figure out what was happening. I wish he'd piece it together. This is all I can do, because I'm sure as hell not going to come out and tell him. All I can do is type these little things out, for my own benefit, for her benefit, for the benefit of my friends... That's all, my only course of action, to affect nothing while affecting everything, to never be sure... Ah, I don't know anymore, I don't know right now, everything seems so bleak. It reminds me of that line from "A Perfect Sonnet"...

"Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror,
Spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever,
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water,
Wishing you were a ghost..."

It's weird, because that's exactly how I feel today, like a ghost, drifting through the halls... And everyone can see me, sure, but no one can understand, and isn't that just as bad.

Urgh, I just remembered that they're going out tonight... This is not shaping up to be a good day.

Jill, I need you, right now as much as ever, more. You are the only one that can break me from this... I love you.

(Addendum: I thought I would begin to feel better when I got home from school... Just the fact that I came home would put me into a good mood... The bleakness of the night ahead of me instead turned my thoughts to her. I knew the call was a bad idea, but I am a masochist to the end... No, that's not true. I am an optimist to the end, that is more fitting. Either way, a large part of me knew it was a mistake, but to hear her voice, to hear her love when I am down, it does so much to lift me back up... This time, instead, only confirmed the fact that, for tonight at least, I am lost and alone. It's not her fault, but mine. I mean, it's not like I told her that I loved her either, mostly because the goodbye was so hurried, but nevertheless. *Sigh* I'm probably making this out to be more than it is, I always do, but today... I just need someone, but there is only myself to turn to I guess. I don't think I'll be enough this time.

Hey, I'm shaking. What the fuck? I hope this is in no way related.

I do love you though Jill, your probably smart enough to realize that without my telling you. I'm sorry that I always need you to say it, because that's me being needy, not your fault at all. Again, I'm making everything, all my problems, out to be far more than they are. But, that's what I do when I'm depressed and feel like curling into a ball and sobbing.

Alright, this is getting ridiculous. I need something to make all this stop.

I love you Jillian.)