...I Can't Take My Mind Off Of You...

Well, we've been on the bus for approximately 15 minutes, and I've already started getting that heartache, those horrible little pains that let me know how much I miss you, how much I need you, how much I depend on you.

I wanted to be sitting beside Dave, but we got there late... Consequently, Dave was relegated to the back of the bus, and I am currently sitting beside a strange red-haired girl. She's reading, and it looks as though she's prepared to do this for most of the trip... She's quite quiet as well... I like her. In fact, she lent me the pen that I'm currently using, so we can be friends.

Uh oh, Mrs. Beckley is laughing again... You've heard of someone wailing like a banshee? She laughs like one.

Oh God, they just reminded us that we have to go to Burlington to pick up our driver, and my heart lept with excitement... Until I remembered that I'm not actually going to see you there. Then I died a little inside.

I promise I'll actually post about the stuff that happens, when it starts happening. This isn't going to be all love letters to Jill, all emotional Chris. You know, just half. (Besides, you'll get enough of those on the side.)

Well, I'm terribly tired, I hope I can actually sleep... I'll keep you guys updated on any excitement.

Jill, I miss you terribly, and I love you even more.

Christopher

P.S. Happy Halloween!

{Addendum: Now we're in Burlington. There's the Mapleview Shopping centre. Jiiiilllll... God, I wish you were here. It's funny... we're on Fairview, I recognize all this... Yeah, here's the GO Station! Alright, I gotta go cry to Dave now. Jill, I love you baby.}

{Addendum: We drove past our beach, honey... True story. I was standing at the back talking to Dave (about what? Email me to remind me and I'll tell you), and all of a sudden I saw our bridge, our pier, everything. My mouth just dropped, and I started to make these pitiful little whining noises. Dave didn't notice for a moment, then started shaking me and going "Chris, Chris, are you okay?!?"

I felt like crying for a moment, missing you just so much... And then I remembered that day, the times that we'd shared and will again, and Dave said "Chris, are you okay?" And I got this big, wistful smile on my face, and I said "I am. I really am."

I love you honey.}

{Addendum: We're in the U.S. now. I started to feel that terrible longing, that heartache for you... I looked at the time. You know what time it was? About, oh, 3:40, somewhere thereabouts. The time that I should be talking to you. I lost my game with Dave because I got so distracted, thinking so much of you and us and all my fondest memories. Thank a lot honey... Ha, seriously... We're having fun, but I wish you were with me more than anything. I miss you darling, and I love you.

More tomorrow, perhaps.}

...And So It Is...

It’s funny, you know… One of my fondest memories of us (of which there are many, honey) is of the time we went driving towards the city, after taking a wrong turn, as we raced down the hill that overlooks Hamilton, the hundreds and hundreds of tiny lights all agleam, and for a moment feeling as though we really were teenage runaways, as though all we really had was each other, and feeling the terrible, wonderful freedom that comes from being really, truly on your own and alone, separate from society. Despite these lonely notions, I had, at that point, never, ever felt closer to anyone, anyone in my life. It was at that point that I resolved to myself, I made a vow that I would never, ever let her down, that I would never, ever give up on her, that I would never, ever let her forget how much she means to me, how much I love her, how much I need her… How she is, honestly, the closest person I have in my life. Because it was at that moment that I knew, that I knew that we had each other, that we could and would rely on each other until the end, and that she really, truly held a piece of me that I never even knew was missing. As ridiculously clichéd as that sounds, there is actually a part of my soul that is indelibly tied to her, there is a bond that grows tighter and tighter with each little moment like this that we share… And I hope, and I think I know, that she feels it too. That’s why we can stick together, why I can tough it out through this, through it all, despite the distance, despite him, in spite of it all… There’s just a symbiotic link between us, and like anything symbiotic, we wither and begin to die when we’re apart. And so it is.

Live Through This And You Won't Look Back...

We've come to an agreement, her and I, we've laid down the rules for our relationship... That Josh thing will never happen again, he'll never come between us when I want to see her, etc. I think I'm satisfied, I think everything is fine, or if not fine, then... Well, I can live with it (and not without her), so I've done the best with what I have.

I will continue writing though, and I think she knows now that she can never take that away from me, and I know she never wanted to, and still doesn't. It's just... Alright, this morning, after I got out of my shower, I was so depressed, so depressed, I just wanted to die. And I was so angry that I hadn't been able to write what I wanted to, and so angry that I still couldn't, and I honestly didn't know what to do to relieve my pain... And for the first time in 17 years I actually wondered how much cutting myself would help. It's not that I ever actually considered doing it... But I recognized it as an option. And I think cutting is the stupidest thing. After this, I realized that I just cannot stay quiet, no matter what. It means too much to me, and Jill knows that, and I know that she would never ask me to stop doing it... She might want me to, and she knows that I would most likely do it if she asked... But she won't. Because she loves me too much.

Oh, my lyric is from a break-up song of sorts... And that may sound strange, because it most certainly did not happen (we grew so much closer this weekend, I have a beautiful paragraph that I still might type out, because I think it's true enough, it's beautiful enough to be timeless, one of those things that I'll be able to relate later, despite the time factor). But, that lyric, it's so true to me... Well, actually, at the same time it's not. Of course you'll look back, of course I will. But, it seems to say to me that if you live through this, you will be so much better for it, you will be stronger and you will love more and you will simply know so much more, you will be more whole, more a person. Live through this, and you will look back... And smile.

I realized something, doing the dishes and thinking about life, as those two tasks seem to go together so readily... I guess I had always kind of thought that her not telling him everything, her being more willing to hurt me rather than him, I always thought, in the very back of my mind, that that meant that she loved him just that much more. But... no. If the situation were reversed, she wouldn't want to tell me about him, right? She knows how badly that would hurt... I have to reverse it in my mind, to put her in my shoes, or rather put myself in his and he in mine... This is not easy any way you look at it.

If I were closer, if I could see her all the time... This would be so much easier. I think everything would be perfect then. If it wasn't for the fact that she has known him for so much longer, if I had that amount of familiarity... Things would be more fair, things would be more right. Well, you know what? That's going to change one day. She'll be closer. I will have that time, the time that he has over me. And then? Well, I don't know. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't. But the fact is, I have to realize that I am the one in a poor position here, aye? I think I've made the best with a very, very difficult situation. They were together a whole year. I live so far away. That's a ridiculous handicap to overcome, right? It is, and I think the fact that she loves me this much is a testament to... Well, to me. As arrogant as that sounds, it's kind of nice to recognize that maybe, maybe I'm an alright guy. *Sigh* It's tough, but I knew that when I got into this, right?

Wrong. Oh, fucking wrong. I never, never would've guessed what love was. Love has been the most painful, beautiful, terrible, wonderful, destructive, greatest thing to ever happen to me. I know so, so much more than ever before. And despite what it's done to me, the way it's changed me that little bit, all the times I've cried, every time I've died a bit, it's been worth it for every time I've laughed, every time I've kissed her, every time I've realized the extent of my love, the extent of her love... It's been so worth it.

I love you and always will Jillian.

...In The Distance, Moving Closer...

I spent the whole train ride writing in my journal, writing this long, beautiful blog entry about how much I love her, how much closer to her I grew this weekend, about all the things we did together. I wanted to take all my joy, everything that she gave me, and spread it out amongst you guys, give you all a piece of it to hold on to, because you all deserve that, you deserve to have a piece of my happiness because you have so much of my pain along with it. I wanted to share...

But I can't.

For reasons that should be quite obvious to everyone familiar with the story, I'm not supposed to share it with you guys, the secret is not out yet. Even this, this right here, is probably too much, my little rebellion here might be out of line...

I still might share, to be honest, I still might... We both know it's not fair that I can't. I just know how much it would hurt her, perhaps not as much as this is hurting me, but I can't bear the thought of doing that... And yet I might, I might have to, because I promised myself that I would. So the story is not lost yet, it's just delayed...

Just know... I owe it to you guys to let you know, and though the details remain hidden, you are at least allowed the broad view, I must at least be allowed to share that, because... Just because.

I love her more than ever, much, much more. We are so much closer than we were, and I honestly didn't think that was possible. Everything's gotten a little more desperate, because I think we both know that it's heading toward a hard, hard choice... But the fact is, she knows how much I love her, and I know how much she loves me. And so it is.

God, I know this is going to be bad, the aftermath, but now that I'm done... This is the first time I haven't felt like bawling since I got on the bus to leave her. This is why writing means so much to me.

Jill, I'm sorry, and I'm not, and I am. We'll talk after, this will all be better, or it won't, but it will.

I love you more than ever.

...So I'm Up At Dawn...

It's painful knowing that right now I should be in her arms, if it wasn't for her parents... But, at least there's comfort knowing that tomorrow I will be, tomorrow we'll be together no matter what.

It's going to be hard to have fun tonight, with this thought in my mind, knowing that she's with Josh and not me, knowing that she should be with me and not Josh. But I know it will be me on her mind, just as she'll be on mine, and I will have a night with Dave and Jodi to keep me occupied, to keep my spirits up, to keep me sane.

Jill, I promise, tomorrow... Everything will be better. We'll be together again, just like we should be, and there will be nothing to get in our way anymore. It will be as perfect as it always has been.

I love you.

...And One's Pointing His Tree Branch at Me...

Alright, I'm feeling a little better now... The walk did me quite good, despite my almost getting hit by a large truck (oddly enough, it was my kindness that saved me), I'm certainly feeling a bit better because of it. Er, because of the walk, not the truck.

Either way, I thought a lot about the Josh thing, and how he asked me for the truth today... And it bothered me a lot that I didn't tell him, because if I was in his position, I would much, much rather know the truth... Because frankly, despite the fact that I don't care, I recognize that this is really quite unfair to him. I mean... I'd want him to tell me, why can't I do the same? Am I scared that he won't believe me? No, no I don't think that's it... Am I scared that she'll lie to him, tell him the ultimate lie, against my ultimate truth? Perhaps that's a large part of it... But most of all, I think I'm scared of what will happen to her.

I also wish that Jill and my friends got along... Well, that's not true. Jill and Claire get along, and I love that. What I'm really wishing was that Jill got along with Dave and Jodi... I mean, when it comes to Dave... Besides Cato, Dave is easily my best, closest friend. I frankly do not know where I would be without Dave. And Jodi... Well, I love Jodi to pieces, she ranks right up beside Dave as two of my very favourite people on earth. So... The fact that they don't get along really hurts me, because as my three favourite people on earth... I just wish there wasn't any conflict there. But, of course, nothing is set in stone yet I suppose... There's still time.

Well, anyway, I'm feeling better. I think I shall go have a shower now... And then wait for Jill to come on MSN, because despite the fact that I'm somewhat okay, that's really mostly a lie until I talk to her.

Until then, I love you Jillian.

(Addendum... Or, is this an Epilogue? Yes, an Epilogue sounds much better. So...

Epilogue: Yes, just as I thought, her love makes everything better. I feel much better now, much better... Thank God for her, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her. I love you baby!)

...Aimless In Wander...

She left too early, far too early, and I'm still left here, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to survive the hours ahead, because I feel as though I should be able to just lay down and die. I screamed at my Mother, full-throated, sending my sisters scurrying into the next room, and then walked outside, my shoes in one hand, my jacket in the other, and I walked fifty feet up the road before I sat down in the middle of the sidewalk, put them on, and began to bawl. For the next ten minutes I walked and sobbed and didn't know what the fuck to do.

I finally talked to her, and it made me feel so much better, and she promised to tell him, and she told me she loved me, and she made everything all better... For a time. But then she had to leave, and it was so hurried, and I knew that Josh was about to come, and I just didn't know what to do. It was like... Shock set in, and when she left I felt so numb, so cold, and I wanted to cry... But I'm saving that until I'm gone from this place.

Josh talked to me on MSN today, and I was so torn between telling him the truth and protecting her... I know she wants me to block him, because it makes me so mad, and yet I will not take the cowards way out... I just know that I will not be able to stand these assaults much longer... I was so close today, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But... she promised me she'd tell him, and I want to wait for her to do it, because it's much better coming from her than I... So I'll try my hardest, my very hardest, to wait for her.

It'll only get worse after this weekend, the lies will be so much harder to keep up once it all begins to fit into place for him, and this weekend will probably be the catalyst of all that. I... I don't know what to do. It will all be better once I'm in her arms again, once I've kissed her again and once everything is back to being normal. It'll all be better.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to go wander the streets again I suppose, aimless in wander as the song says. I hope no one pulls a knife on me this time... But at the same time, I feel like it should happen. I don't know... I just feel lost and dangerous and so completely alone right now. What do I do, what do I do? Perhaps I'll find the answers somewhere out there... Or perhaps I'll only find more tears, pain, and heartache. Or maybe I'll die. Anything could happen at this point, and in my numbness anything would be a nice change of pace. Anything.

I love you Jillian.

...Wishing You Were A Ghost...

I don't feel good today. Physically, I'm fine, but mentally... Today is just not a good day. I'm really quite depressed, which is odd... For all intents and purposes, today has been a good day I think. I shared laughs with my friends, I've been singing and dancing like my old self... But today, I've just been drifting through it, going through the motions. It's not fair to myself, it's not fair to all my friends who might think I'm actually happy, it's not fair to anyone.

I feel really cut off today, and I don't know why... I feel so trapped inside myself, so very, very lonely. It's strange, it's how I used to feel, before her, but now I'm back to it, just for the day I'm sure, but still... I feel cut off from her. I'm getting nothing, no light, no energy, it's like there's something there blocking us, and blocking me from feeling her love. I hate this feeling, this huge worry, the feeling that something is happening and I don't know. I hate this more than anything... Well, perhaps not. I don't know. I suppose I hate sharing her just as much... Because this is born from that I'm sure, or perhaps not... Perhaps I'm just back to the old depression, perhaps nothing is really going on. Nothing is certain today.

I wish... I wish he'd figure out what was happening. I wish he'd piece it together. This is all I can do, because I'm sure as hell not going to come out and tell him. All I can do is type these little things out, for my own benefit, for her benefit, for the benefit of my friends... That's all, my only course of action, to affect nothing while affecting everything, to never be sure... Ah, I don't know anymore, I don't know right now, everything seems so bleak. It reminds me of that line from "A Perfect Sonnet"...

"Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror,
Spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever,
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water,
Wishing you were a ghost..."

It's weird, because that's exactly how I feel today, like a ghost, drifting through the halls... And everyone can see me, sure, but no one can understand, and isn't that just as bad.

Urgh, I just remembered that they're going out tonight... This is not shaping up to be a good day.

Jill, I need you, right now as much as ever, more. You are the only one that can break me from this... I love you.

(Addendum: I thought I would begin to feel better when I got home from school... Just the fact that I came home would put me into a good mood... The bleakness of the night ahead of me instead turned my thoughts to her. I knew the call was a bad idea, but I am a masochist to the end... No, that's not true. I am an optimist to the end, that is more fitting. Either way, a large part of me knew it was a mistake, but to hear her voice, to hear her love when I am down, it does so much to lift me back up... This time, instead, only confirmed the fact that, for tonight at least, I am lost and alone. It's not her fault, but mine. I mean, it's not like I told her that I loved her either, mostly because the goodbye was so hurried, but nevertheless. *Sigh* I'm probably making this out to be more than it is, I always do, but today... I just need someone, but there is only myself to turn to I guess. I don't think I'll be enough this time.

Hey, I'm shaking. What the fuck? I hope this is in no way related.

I do love you though Jill, your probably smart enough to realize that without my telling you. I'm sorry that I always need you to say it, because that's me being needy, not your fault at all. Again, I'm making everything, all my problems, out to be far more than they are. But, that's what I do when I'm depressed and feel like curling into a ball and sobbing.

Alright, this is getting ridiculous. I need something to make all this stop.

I love you Jillian.)

...You Are My Sunshine...

*Sigh* No one makes me feel as good as she does. We've both come to agree that three weeks is far, far too long to wait. We are never, ever doing that again... Not 'til the summer at least. I don't even have the energy to write anymore, because now I feel contented and sleepy and I have the light that I need. She's going out tomorrow, going with him, and she knows how much I hate that, how painful it is for me... But she does everything, everything she can, to make me feel better, and she does, she really does, because I know that, while they have fun, while they enjoy each other's company, her and I... Nothing can compare to us, the perfection that we have. And his advantage lies in the fact that he can see her so much more than me... But my advantage lies in the fact that we are so perfect. The time we spend apart, hell. The time we are together, bliss. So much, the memories that I have don't seem real, they can't be real, I can't have been that happy... But they are, because she has the same ones. We really do love each other that much.

She is my sunshine, my only sunshine; she makes me happy when skies are grey... You'll never know dear, how much I love you; nothing will take my sunshine away. I love you more than anything Jillian.

...I'm Leavin' But I Don't Know Where To...

Grrr... She's leaving, and I don't want her to leave. *Sigh* Two whole hours is far too long. I suppose there's something I should be doing with these two hours... Homework? Yup, should be doing that. Will I? Fuck no. Walk? Yes, a walk will do my nerves wonders. I think I need a tea... Yes, a tea. Good!

Oh well, maybe tonight will be the night, just like she said... Maybe the truth will come streaming out in waves, maybe they'll break up, maybe this will be a great night in the end. Or maybe they'll just have fun. Either way, in the end, she'll still come back and be mine, and I know that despite all the worries that plague me, that's the one thing I never have to worry about: her leaving. We're in this together, until the end, and she'll either be with both him and I (but mostly me) or be with me entirely. Either way, just having her, just knowing that I make her happy is enough to keep me going.

Just two days, two whole days, and then we'll be in each others arms once more. Oh, wait, I mean just two more days, two whole days, and we'll be platonically enjoying each others friendship. For the entire weekend. That better? Ha ha ha, I also enjoyed a good laugh. Shit, now I'm getting sarcastic, it really is time for a walk. Actually, sarcasm isn't so bad... I have a theory that intelligent people are naturally sarcastic. Almost everyone I know who I would call "smart" is at least a bit sarcastic, while there are many people that I would call "not-so-smart" that aren't. Perhaps it just takes some intelligence to understand? Either way.

So, two more days, and then we'll be as free as we always were, two more days and nothing will have changed. Two days is far, far too long to wait for her. I love you Jill.

And Now I Don't Care, I Could Go Anywhere With You, And I'd Probably Be Happy...

In the day time, everything is so hectic, everything is so worried, so hurried, everything has that desperation to it, that we must rush and scurry before the light fades, before the coming of the dark. In the day time seems to be when I get the most hurt. The days when we are together are the greatest ones that I have ever spent, but the days that we are apart are so unbearable, and everyone else is the enemy, the only problem in this relationship is other people, if not for them then we would be happy, but they insist on making us hurt, on tearing us apart... Or trying to, because we know that that can never happen.

But in the night time... Things are different. In the night, when we stay up as late as we can, as late as we are allowed and beyond, just talking on the phone, talking, and making each other feel so good, so alive, so loved... At night, when we talk, and remind each other how much we love each other, like boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do, and no matter what's gone on during that day, no matter what has impeded our love, has made us hurt, has made us mad, has made us cry, at night when we talk we erase all that and remind ourselves that we are the only people that matter to us in the end. At night, I remember how much I want you.

At night, when I lay awake, thinking of you, wanting you, needing you, missing you so terribly... At night, when I lay curled up, imagining you in my arms, and though you're not there I know you are in spirit, because I know that if you could be there you would, we'd do anything for that chance... And that almost makes you real. At night, when I lay in my pool of warm, yellow light, your light, the light that you taught me how to find, how to capture, the light that you send me... At night, as I concentrate on that, on holding on to yours and sending you mine, and I know that as crazy as it seems that we both find such peace in that, and though you aren't there, it's almost okay... At night, I remember how much I need you.

At night, when we lay together, in as much bliss as we've ever known, when we hold tight to each others bodies and that's all we need, that's all we'll ever need, and the world doesn't matter any more... At night, when you make me forget that I'm scared, and the dark just isn't dark with you laying beside me, when you take away that fear that has gripped me for ten long years, but somehow you just remove all that, the thought never crosses my mind, because I am just so engrossed in you, the only person I've ever needed more than myself... At night, when we are more at peace with the world than is really allowed, but we scoff at the rules and lie there, knowing that there is nothing, nothing more right than this... At night, I remember how much I love you.

I love you Jillian.

...I Keep Drinking The Ink From My Pen...

Well, if there's one thing I've learned lately, it's that the truth simply cannot stand on its own. This situation continues on, against all odds, and I don't know when it's going to end. Argh, I hate so much when I make her out to be a liar, it hurts me so much, but I can't decide what hurts more... When I do it to her, or when she does it to me.

I guess I shouldn't complain so much... I mean, I have exactly what I wanted before, freedom to tell the truth, freedom to love her, and I know that she's not going to let him stop that... So then why does this bother me so much? Well... I know why, I know why, and I try so hard not to let the lies bother me, but I haven't perfected a defence against it yet.

See, the problem is, I have nothing to gauge this by... Am I being a horrible boyfriend, am I being a bad person, when I say that she lies? I mean, never mind what the truth is... Is that something I shouldn't be doing at all, no matter if it's true or not? Or does the very fact that that's what's happening give me the right? Are there even objective standards for something like this?

No, there aren't. There are no objective standards, for anything, and I've always known that. I have to decide for myself how much I can take, I have to decide for myself whether I'm being a bad person or not... No one can tell me, because no one is right, and everyone is right, and no one is right. We are all right... But only so far as it pertains to us. So I get to make my own decisions here, and that thought both horrifies and empowers me. I know now that I will only put my foot down when I decide the situation calls for it, no one can tell me when it's right. And Jill knows that, if this doesn't stop soon (soon being a very subjective term), that eventually I will do it. But, at the same time, I can stop feeling bad that I haven't done it yet, because only I get to decide how much I can take. God I enjoy the feeling of having a spine.

So this is going to continue, and I am allowed to bitch about it, and Jill is allowed to say whatever she wants to in order to pacify Josh, and Josh is allowed to believe whatever he wants... Because no one, no one can dictate this situation to us. And as long as I can hold on to that, and hold on to the fact that I will have her eventually, I can get through all the pain that this is causing me.

I love you Jill, as my best friend and as much, much more than that. And I know that you feel the same. And nothing can take that away from us.

I Found A Liquid Cure For My Landlocked Blues...

Alright, I'm about to go on a relaxing walk, and I feel good, I'm in a good mood, I feel very at peace, I feel like a good person right now. And I feel very truthful and forgiving, so I'm delaying my walk because there are some things I need to say.

I'm really scared about this weekend, this weekend with Jill, because I know what's going to happen. She knows what's going to happen. He probably knows what's going to happen. There is just this mass group tension, and we're all just building up and waiting for it, and it's all going to come out after this, and he's going to realize that everything fits, and this is all going to go down... While I'm away for the week in Washington. The worst possible time. And I could delay it if I could, but the fact is... No, I can't. It's just not going to happen, she knows it, he knows it, I know it most of all, or least of all, either way. And on the one hand, I'm relieved, immensely relieved, because after this the choice is his, and to a lesser extent hers, and it will be out of my hands, and everythig will happen. On the other hand... I'm scared as hell.

I was thinking, as I was doing the dishes, about this whole thing. Me and Josh have been fighting, sniping at each other, sending stupid little emails with thinly veiled hurt, and we both know it's stupid, or I think we do. And I lamented how I used to be able to look for the good in everyone, how I used to never hate, and I wondered "What happened to that Chris?" And I realized... He'd never left. And I began to think to myself that, to be honest, I didn't really hate Josh... I mean, there are times when I do, many times, but right now, in my good state, that state that used to be the most natural for me, I can see. He is just fighting for the woman he loves, the same as I, and while I can lament that he had his chance and blew it, and I can dwell on the many things about him that I don't like, I know that, when it comes down to it, he's only doing the same as me, the only thing we know how to do; fight, and cling, and wait. So... This is not me liking him, this is not me apologizing to him, this is the verbal equivalent of that handshake we shared so long ago: this is understanding.

I feel better now, and I wouldn't be in such a good mood if it wasn't for that one special person. I love you Jill.

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed
They're spreadin' blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,

This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you like me...


This song has helped me so much today... Every time I've gotten down and upset, I just listen to it and it reminds me of my love for her. And that always, always cheers me up. I love you honey.

This Is The First Day Of My Life...

I walked to school in a wistful, dejected mood, listening to sad songs on random and making my best attempt to avoid the puddles on the road without actually diverting my course. Then Bright Eyes came on, "The First Day Of My Life", and I began to sing softly to myself, imagining that I was singing to her. By the time I finished the song, I was halfway to school and feeling at least halfway better.

Even when she's not trying she makes things better.

The Landlocked Blues...

*Sigh* I don't know whether it's the grey morning, or my stress taking its toll on me, but I feel so... So weary. Weary of all this, of all our fighting, of him constantly provoking me and me taking the bait, though I know I'm being baited, and weary of worry about her, and weary of worrying about what she's telling him, how I'm being looked at, just... Weary of all of it.

I'm tired of looking like a liar... I've been a liar before in my life, perhaps more than most, I don't know, and I've certainly been called a liar before... And at times, it's been well deserved. But this time... I don't know, it's just... Everytime he calls me a liar, it's like I can hear her doing it as well. And I know she does it for a good reason, but it hurts so much all the same. I mean... I feel like the boy who never cried wolf, not even once, even when the wolves were dragging sheep off into the night. And finally, the one time when he just can't handle it on his own... They laugh at him. They all laugh at him. I mean, I can stand him thinking me a liar, thinking me a desperate loser, but I can bear the thought that she's doing it too, because she's the one I care about, and I care so much about what she thinks, and though I know she's not really doing it... It hurts all the same.

I resolved to give up lying long ago, and I really have, for the most part. These stories are still true, whether I have titled them as such or not. I finished with the last false stories I'll ever tell long ago. These ones... These ones are to be believed, no matter how crazy they might seem.

*Sigh* It'll all get better later, once I talk to her. I love you Jill.

...Dawn Breaks Like A Bull Through The Hall...

You know, it's strange, but it's become quite apparent lately... The common denominator in all my unhappy times has been me over-thinking the situation. I mean... Every time I talk to Jill, I feel better about myself, because every time we talk, it's apparent that, no matter what's going on behind the scenes, she loves me, she loves me a lot, just like I love her. So, why do I always over-think?

Now that we're in the open, now that she knows I won't stay quiet anymore, there are really only three things that can happen: They can break up, we can break up, or we can have an open relationship where he knows about me and I know about him. We aren't breaking up... That is fact, it's not going to happen, and I dare anyone to tell me otherwise. We are too in love, we feel far too right together for that to happen. So, that really leaves only two choices, neither of which are so bad in the end. Them breaking up? Great! I'm all for it. The open relationship option? Well, that's much less great, and it won't last, but that's pretty much the stage we're in now, and despite it being hard, it hasn't killed me yet, so I think I can live with it.

There may come a time when I put my foot down, there may come a time when I say "Enough is enough Jill, you owe it to me to choose." There may come a time when I again realize that I never lost my backbone, I never misplaced it, it was always here, just waiting for me to require use of it again. So I'm not saying that won't happen, and we both know that. But the thing is, I'm not ready to do that just yet, so while the option is there, the bare recognition of it is almost enough to satiate me. I mean, I've discovered with this whole blog thing that sticking up for yourself actually feels pretty good, and it's better to die on your feet than live on your knees anyway, right? But it hasn't come to that, and I don't think it will... But the fact that I finally recognize it's there is so comforting, because I know that I'm still a man.

Well good, I feel pretty good about myself now, I'm optimistic and empowered and all those good things. Now, if we can just do something about that damn Mother of mine...

Thank you Jill, for everything you've done for me, and everything you will do as this relationship continues. I love you.

...And If You Took To Me Like A Gull Takes To The Wind...

I only have a few minutes on here before my sister kicks me off to do homework, despite the fact that I am (or was) legitimately writing my essay. God, I'm always so much happier when my whole family is gone... Well, welcome to teenage life I suppose.

*Sigh* Well, here we go, guess I'll finish this later...
-5:44-

-6:44-
Okay, so I'm back, after a screaming match with my Mother... I don't know, I'm sorry, I just think it's a little ridiculous that I should have to do all these chores, put up with all this shit, just so that I can pay for the privledge of having a whole hour on the telephone. And then, I get to wait while she waits for a call from my fucking step-father! How ridiculous is that? God I want out.

Things have gone... Awry, I suppose, on the Josh/Jill/Chris front as well. Apparently, it's not as over as we thought it was... They are still together, and though it seems their relationship is on its last legs, it's insists on tottering desperately on said legs, it persists in living, and like a stubborn cockroach will just not fucking die.

Alright, that was far too angry, I should be settling down soon, but I guess it hasn't happened yet. I'm just angry, mostly at myself, because I know she wants be to go back to keeping our little secret, and she won't ask, because she loves me far too much to ask that, but I know that's what she wants... And I don't think she knows how badly it hurts me to not be able to give her what she wants. I just... No, I can't and won't go back to hiding, no matter how much my heart keeps telling me to... I want to be able to make her as happy as possible, but this is just one thing that I can't bend on. Right?

*Sigh* I... I don't know what to do. No, that's a lie. I know what to do, and that is, for once in my life, to actually take a stand. But it's so hard, knowing that I have to tell her no, knowing that this is going to make things hard on her, knowing that I'm essentially forcing her into coming clean. It doesn't feel right, and at the same time I know it is, I know I have to do this. It's just... Being able to keep that secret for her made me feel at least somewhat adequate, you know? It made me think that there's at least something I can do for her.

I hope that she'll forgive me for this, and I hope that she'll be able to know how much this hurts me. The fact is... I can't go back to hiding my love, and it hurts me so much every time she hides it as well... But now I'm willing to take that, because I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and in fact I'm already there, I'm just waiting patiently for her... But I don't want to have to go back into the dark, because she knows how sacred I am of the dark.

There are time I almost wish I was more threatening, you know? It seems that threats have held together a disproportionate amount of relationships that I've seen... I mean, I know any relationship like that clearly isn't a real one, right? But, if I could just be a little more like that, a little more violent, a little more angry, maybe I wouldn't be so easy to push around. Unfortunately, the only person I'm really capable of threatening is myself... And I doubt that that's enough. No, I know what would help the both of us, what would help our relationship... If I had a fucking spine. If I could just put my foot down and say that's it, enough of this shit, if you really love me, then do what has to be done. But no, apparently at some point in my life I lost the will to do that... I guess maybe it was my pacifism, I don't know... I must have put down my fists and misplaced my backbone. But don't worry Jill, because I've made a resolution... I'm going to find it again. One day, someday soon, I fill once again have a fucking spine.

So that's it then... I can shout it to the rooftops that I love her, and though it hurts me so much to do so, the freedom is almost worth it. And I know that one day she will be able to do the same, and so the pain of her not-exactly-telling-the-truth-about-our-love plan is bearable, because while he might not know it's true, I know it's true, and I know that it won't always be like this. Right?

So, I'm sorry Jill... But I love you, I love you I love you I love you, and you know how much... And I just can't hold that in, it's too much for my poor little heart to handle. I will hold on and wait for you for as long as is necessary, but I can't stay quiet anymore... And with any luck, you won't have to for long either, right? Right. Just a few short (lies, long-as-hell) days, and then everything will be right again, and none of this will matter, at least for a short time. Right? Right.

Oh, and just for the record... I love you.

...As We Moved Together In The Dark...

So I'm sick. I've been laying in bed almost all day, listening to my music to keep myself from throwing up. Camera Obscura worked for a while, and then Death Cab had a turn, and finally I found that concentrating on Hellogoodbye, and all the memories that go along with them, helped immensely.

My room is so cold... My Mother turned the heat on in every other room, but apparently mine is too messy to deserve heat. So, instead I get to lay there, freezing, making my best attempt to not die. It's great fun, it really is.

Oh well, at least I can sustain myself with the fact that, despite my stomach telling me otherwise, I think I'm really, truly happy for the first time in a while. Well, okay, that's not true... I have been happy, but this is something different... It's like, my happiness before was true, but it was always marred with the the fact that I knew it was going to come to an end soon, and all I could see was dark grey clouds, in the distance, moving closer with every hour. So, when you'd ask "Is something wrong?" I'd think "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now." (Sorry, had to carry that reference all the way.) But now, it is an optimistic happiness, the happiness I used to have, because I know that for the first time in so long things are going right for me, I'm free and open, and I don't have to hide anymore. Because, to be quite honest with you, I don't think I could go back to it if I tried. But, I know that I don't even have to consider that, because Jill loves me, and I love her, and it's no longer a secret.

My God, I just realized that phrase, "The truth will set you free", is completely right!

Okay, I have to go throw up now, but in spite of this I feel even better than I felt before. I love you guys... And you most of all.

Yes, you know who you are.

...'Cause They Don't Know How Real Love Feels...

My moods are all thrown out of whack now, it's all my fucking Mother's fault... She really doesn't understand it, how I have this pathetic, psychological need to talk to Jill before we go to bed... She wouldn't really understand if I told her either, because frankly I don't understand, it's just another one of those strange quirks that make up who I am.

Jill, I wasn't joking when I told you not to be sorry (so of course you had to go apologize again, you silly girl)... My moods and quirks really are my fault, not yours. I have been like this all my life, with the strangest little things sending me off the deep-end like that... And I think you know that, you probably realize I'm being stupid and have no reason to be angry... But the fact that you still make it out to be your fault, you still apologize and try to make me feel better, that fact makes me love you all the more. Thank you.

So... The Josh/Jill/Chris thing has finally reached a head I think. He knows about me, he knows about her, and hopefully he realizes that we intend it to stay like this. They haven't broken up yet, and though I'm expecting and hoping for it to happen, I won't push the situation further... This is between them now, and I can only sit on the sidelines and pray the game is not rained out.

I'm just so, so relieved that the secret is finally out, that all the lying is over, that we don't have to hide anymore. I no longer have to hide my love for her, I no longer have to sneak around in secret, and nor does she... We are free, and that feeling of freedom is almost palpatable, I can taste it and feel it. Even if they don't break up yet, at least he knows that he's sharing her, and at least I know we're on even footing here.

So I will have her all to myself, if not tomorrow, then someday soon... And you know what? Maybe it's because Josh has more backbone than I, if he's not willing to share her as the situation calls for then maybe it's because he's a bigger man, a better man, or more of a man, I honestly don't know... But no matter what, I will have her, and in fact I already do.

The situation shall progress, and I shall keep you posted... And now, I sustain myself, and stave off this missing her, with the thought that I will see her next weekend, one way or another, and we will be together again, and things will be just as they always were, and always will be.

They say to hope for the best, and plan for the worst, aye? I'm hoping, praying and planning for the best on all fronts. I seemed broken before, or bent, whatever... But at least I can say that I come through this unjaded, my optimism intact, my head on as straight as it always was (not very), and still my own very best friend. We may fight (me and me, that is)... But nothing wil ever make me hate myself for any serious length of time. I might scream at myself (literally), and I might hate myself for a night... But the thing is, I'll always come running back to me, because I think that I'm the only one who can stand knowing who I truly am. Except... Maybe she can too. Maybe.

I love you Jill.

(Addendum: Ha ha ha, just before I went to bed, so optimistic about everything, someone asked me... "Have you ever considered the possibility that she might just do the exact same thing to you, turn it around, just tell you that things are going badly with Josh when really they've patched things up? Make you the one out of the loop?" Is it sad that I have so much faith in her, so much faith in her love, that that never even actually occured to me? I mean, not like it came up and I discarded it immediately, I mean I never actually had the thought enter my mind. Well, you know what? It still really hasn't, so the answer to their question is "No, I never have, and never will, consider that possibility, you idiot." If there's one thing Jill would never do to me, it's that. I mean, Jill and I have hurt each other, almost always (actually, always) unintentionally... But I think there is one thing we never do to each other, and that is lie. I mean, she knows I hate lying, I hate not knowing more than anything... I'm that guy who would always choose the red pill, I always prefer painful knowledge to being safe and out of the loop. So she knows that she never has to lie to me, and I know that she never would, and vice-versa... We know each other well enough to owe each other that. That is why I never, never worry about situations like that one. Ha ha ha, and I just realized that this addendum paragraph has become the longest one in this blog... Well, on that note, bed time. And, just to end this on a high note as I did before... I love you Jill, more than anything.)

Quam Serena...

I feel good at the moment, I think I feel content... And while content is not euphoric, I reserve my euphoria for the times when I'm with Jill, because the mood just seems to match.

I'm worried, very worried, about what's going to happen between Jill and Josh... But now that worry is for her, not for me. He knows about me now, I'm pretty sure he knows about me now, and that gives me great peace... Because all his anger and rage cannot destroy what we have created.

I guess there was no real purpose to this entry, I just felt like writing, and now I feel like stopping. It's a good system, it really is... But, to those who care, I am happy, and that seems news-worthy to me.

...O Castitatis Lilium...

So, evidently I was fairly angry last night. Okay, that doesn't do it justice, but nevertheless, the implication is that I am no longer angry... Because I'm not. I thought after my little conversation with Josh that Jill would be angry at me, very angry... And then she wasn't. I don't know, I just woke up, and read what I wrote, and thought "Man, it's all going to be okay... Just calm down dude! Of course you can rely on you... Everyone fucks up sometimes."

I guess it's all just a matter of perspective, something that I didn't really have last night, something that I do have now. I just felt like my world was ending, like I was being trapped in this corner, and I just started lashing out at the only person I've ever been willing to hurt... Myself.

The fact is, I love her, and she loves me, and it's as simple as that...

"Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's a simple as that
Baby, our love is true."

God, she's happy right now, and it makes me so happy to hear her like that... I couldn't even help but be happy, no matter how angry I was before.

Alright, I love love her, she loves me, I'm with her, she's with me, and we'll be together despite everything. Period.

So I Hung My Head And Cried...

(The title function on this is not working, hence you get the bold)

I did, honest to God, I really did.

I'm not sure if any of you knows what that means, and I can't exactly explain it to you, but the thing is, I'm at my Dad's. I haven't cried at my Dad's in... God, I must've been like 6 the last time that happened. Dad's is my escape from the world, everything is better there, Dad is only a room away, and he's always there, and I may not talk about my feelings with him, we may not talk things over, but I know he's always there, and the moral support is enough to keep my spirits up through thick and thin.

But this time, not even Dad could save me.

Ah, I suppose half of you don't know the story... Okay, by half, I mean considerably more than half, unless there are only four people reading this. Basically, Josh found this blog, and I am again forced to pack up and run away with my fucking tail between my God damned fucking legs. I... Alright, excuse me for a moment, I'm about to type something that I'm not exactly allowed to yell in an apartment like this, with my Dad in the next room...

God fucking damn it! Cock sucking piece of shit! Why do I always fuck myself over like this? Fuck! Fuck me, fuck you, and fuck this whole piece of shit world!

Alright, that was a poor subsitute for yelling curses into the void of silence, but it felt good nonetheless.

Alright, so Jill told me, and she asked me to delete it all, and I mean, she did say that I couldn't, but we both knew that it wasn't a real choice, because we both know that I am just a piece of shit pushover, that I will let any fucking person with legs walk all the fuck over me, so of course I was going to do it. Never mind the fact that I had promised myself that I would never, ever let this happen again. Never mind the fact that I promised myself I would stay fucking firm on this, that I wouldn't allow him to again force me to fucking curl up in the fetal position while he stomps all over me, yet again. I mean, never mind all that, because why do promises need to be kept when they're made to a son of a bitch like me? Right? Who the fuck needs to even bother with that?

Argh! ARGGGGHHHH! FUCK! I'm sorry, I'm just so, so, so angry at myself, and there is absolutely no other way to express it while I'm here. Jill, don't worry, I'm not angry at you... You did what you had to do. Josh? I will never be able to even talk to you while he is in the same room, ever again. I don't think I'll be able to hold back... He thought he could hurt me a good amount physically? He has not fucking known pain like I will show him mentally. Idle threats? Fucking watch me.

I guess... This is it. If they recover from this, if they go back to normal, if shit like this is forced on me again, I will snap. Plain and simple, this is quite honestly the last straw, the one that broke this camel's fucking back. If she doesn't come clean... I don't know what I'll do, but you can fucking bet it will be completely self destructive, because there's no one I hate quite as much as myself apparently.

How did this happen? I used to love myself... I thought that would never break. I... Was wrong.

I don't know what else to do, I don't know what else to say... I don't think anyone really knows what this has done to me, and I don't think I even know, because I don't know why! What is it about this that makes it seem like the worst thing ever? Why is this the last straw, over all the things that have happened? I think... I think it has to do with the fact that I used to love myself, and I used to think that, even when everyone else shitted out on me, I would always be able to rely on myself... And I found out today that that was never true, that I am the last fucking person that anyone should think about relying on. Because, if I can't even rely on myself, who else should take that fucking risk?

Jill, I'm sorry for letting you let me do this to myself, because this isn't your fault... I could've refused but I didn't, so you shouldn't feel guilty for this, but I know you're going to, and I know that's my fault. But... The thought that someone could feel sympathy for me, could feel any guilt at all induced by me, fills me with such revolt, such disgust, because I know that I am not worth that.

God, Dave thought he'd seen me a broken man before? I was bent, perhaps... I see now that a man is not broken until he hates himself so much that he wishes to see himself broken.

I need to go to bed, I need the bright morning light to wash over me and cleanse this anger, because I feel so much like taking it out on myself, on my body, on my mind, and right fucking now. Cut myself? No. Hurt myself? No. Kill myself? Not yet, far too early for that... Sleep? Yes. Sleep is the best option. And in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.