Do They Know It's Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

It is indeed Christmas... As I start into this, it's 12:41, I'm sitting in the living room, surrounded by Christmas toys, watching my Mother pull out present after present after present, laying them them on the couch again and again (unwrapped, we have this somewhat strange tradition where "Santa's" presents go on the couch or chair, unwrapped; some sort of shrine to the Gods of consumerism, that's my best guess). Mom maxed out her credit card and is flat broke, as every year... I'm vaguely worried about our money situation in the coming months, but only vaguely, because this is par for the course year after year. In all honesty, the amount of stuff that surrounds me, here and under the tree, is scary. Almost all of it is for the girls, which doesn't bother me in the slightest... Actually, I did really good this year, present buying-wise. Case in point: generally, I spend a total of $10 on my sisters. That's all together. This year, I managed to spend $20 each on them (actually, $24 for Kate's I think.) Mom got something worth $59, and I'm pretty sure Dad clocked in at around $30-40. All in all, I spent almost exactly $150, and I even dipped into the $100 that Dad gave me for Christmas in order to do it (by dipped into, I mean I cut it in half, using $50.) For a guy that generally has a budget of about $20-30 for everything, that is not half bad at all. I am pleased.

There's not much for me under that tree, but that really doesn't bother me... I know that I'm getting my camera, just not until... Well, Mom said "not until later", which I'm hoping means mid-January, like my laptop. Considering it's going to be between $500 and $1000, I can certainly accept receiving it late. I plan to carry it everywhere... Between that and my laptop, I am going to be a walking shrine to the Gods of technology; 21st century digital boy indeed (though, Mr. Graffin, I know plenty, thank-you-very-much.)

Hmmm... There's a problem, something I've been mulling over for... Well, for the last little while. It's intensified recently though. See, my mind, it likes to envision the worst-case scenario. Which is fine, fairly normal... But it doesn't do anything to prepare for it or anything. It goes "Hm, let's see how much I can make you hurt... Okay, okay, good... Is that it? Alright, what if we... Oh, you're crying now? Already? But, how about... Goooood..." He's an evil son of a bitch, he is. Then, after I've done this, I go "Alright... Cool," and leave it alone for a while. Then I go back to it after an indeterminate amount of time, and we start our vicious little cycle again.

Basically, I'll be fine, as long as I keep my mind off it... Then, every so often, I start to think about it, and I get confused, and scared, and depressed, and so very worried about the future... And then I think "Hey, it's not happening yet!", and I go back to being okay. Part of the problem is that I've decided to keep silent about this for a while... Though for once this is entirely my own choice. I haven't quite got it straight yet in my own head, and even when I do, I probably won't talk about it here. Well, I might, it depends on my mood at the time. I'll definitely talk about it to certain people, because while I can keep secrets about other people like I'm Fort fucking Knox, I cannot keep a secret about myself if my life (social or otherwise) depended on it. I much prefer things to be out in the open... Or, if not out in the open, then at least out there, for some people to know, so I'm not holding it all inside.

Christmas time always depresses me a bit. By a bit, I mean, sometimes it's a bit, and sometimes it's nothing, and sometimes it's a whole hell of a lot. I feel kind of alone, just like I did last year, except this year I've had a taste of the good life, and have again been relegated to the realm of the lonely. There are times when I really, really wish that I was back with Jill, just so that I would have someone to hold on to and to love... And there are times when I curl my lip into a snarl of defiance, furrow my brow, look up at the world, and say "You know what? I can be fucking happy on my own just fine!" And there are times when I'm not even lying.

It's good that I got this all out now... I feel a bit more at peace with everything. I'm hoping to fall asleep soon, because the faster I am asleep, the faster morning will come. Christmas is a welcome distraction from life.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Another Travelin' Song...

Alriiiight... Here goes nothing. I again have not been in the mood to write lately, as nothing has really sparked my interest, or evoked any sort of "Oh shit, I have to get this down!" sort of feeling. I sometimes feel like degrading (not the right word at all... I just mean "changing") to some sort of blog where I write every thought that comes into my head, because those sort of things are often hilarious and I would feel better because I update more... But I am far too lazy. Nope, no random thoughts, no internet memes, nothing too interesting... So I'll be content to let you guys check in when I actually decide to get off my ass (proverbially, of course, I'm on my ass right now) and write something down, which is apparently not too often.

God damn but I have a bad headache. All our headache medicine is the extra-strength stuff that has caffeine in it, and I know if I take that I'll be up much later than I should... On the other hand, with the schedule I keep I'll be up for another four hours anyway... Okay, when I'm done this, I will.

The internet is starting to depress me. I... Urgh, I don't feel like writing this all out. Hold on, I explained this all to Jill a little while ago, lemme just find that and copy and paste it... Fuck I'm lazy. Ah, there:

I'm tired of all the ways that it depresses me, and pisses me off, and just generally makes me unhappy; I'm tired of waiting for people, I'm tired of not talking to people even when they're right there online, I'm tired of no one talking to me, I'm tired of no one initiating conversations... I'm sick of no one really talking to each other anymore, just having meaningless conversations... I'm sick of having this entire virtual world at my fingertips and being bored as absolute fuck... I'm just sick of sitting on the computer all day, getting nothing accomplished, always being in a state of waiting... Waiting for people to come, waiting for people to talk, waiting for something to happen... I'm sick of being at its whim.

Yes, that sums it up pretty well. I mean... For the most part, I come home from school, go into my room, sit on the computer, get up once to go eat dinner, get up twice to take a piss (or... to take pisses? Pluralize that)... And that's pretty much it. I sit here until I get a headache (like now? Fuck...), I sit here 'til it's far too late (2 am on most nights), and then I complain about how hard it is to get up in the mornings? Jeeze... So anyway, the point of this is, I'm considering taking a break from the internet. Just... Walking away. Not going on for a few days. What will I do? I don't know... Take a walk or something. Something fun, fuck, there's gotta be something fun... Right? I don't know. I just keep getting these headaches that tell me I've been sitting here for far too long, it's time to get up and do something with my time... If I get the camera I'm asking for, I think I'll have a lot more reason to be outside. So, let's all pray for that, eh?

Of course, there are certain people who I only ever talk to online... Jill, naturally, and Laura, who I'd hate to miss... And also Carolyn, a large part of the reason I'm still sticking around... Just because she's so cool. I mean, I can talk to Dave, and Deanna, and Lauren, and all those people at school... But when will I talk to my beloved Carolyn? (Or Laura, or Jill, etc.) So... I'm still here. For a while.

Hmmm... What else did I want to talk about... Music. Two pieces, to be exact. First of all, I was listening to the secret version of You Oughta Know off Jagged Little Pill the other day, and I let it run through as I sometimes do... And what comes on? This secret song! And it is soooooo good... It's just Alanis Morisette with some slight reverb effects, and that's it. My God, I swear, it would bring a grown man to his knees, it is, bar none, one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Please, please listen to it. Second, I was listening to the song Crack Music by Kanye West the other day, and the whole song is good, it's all about how crack was put in the ghettos as a method of social control for the blacks, in order to to quash the influence of the Black Panthers and keep the black activists down. But now, the situation is reversed; black musicians put out this "gangsta rap", this "crack music", and all the suburban white kids are buying it up like it's... well, like it's crack. And it's almost a form of revenge, because now the black people are getting back the money that's been stolen from them all throughout American history... But anyway, the last part is my favourite, this little rant that Kanye does at the end of the song, almost beat-poet style, and it's just so... So vengeful and angry, but at the same time so smug and cocky... The lyrics:

See I done did all this ole bullshit
And to attone I throw a little somethin', somethin' on the pulpit.
We took that shit, measured it and then cooked that shit
And what we gave back was crack music
And now we ooze it through they nooks and crannies
So our mammas aint got to be they cooks and nannies
And we gonna repo everything they ever took from grammy
Now the former slaves trade hooks for grammy's
This dark diction has become America's addiction
Those who ain't even black use it
We gonna keep baggin' up this here "crack music".

I just love the anger, the cockiness... I actually do really like Kanye West. I've listened to All Falls Down about twenty times in the last few days. He's got some good lyrics... Roses, Through The Wire, All Falls Down, Jesus Walks... It's all good stuff. Ergh, headache.

So anyway, it doesn't feel like Christmas, and I was going to rant about the fact that it doesn't feel like Christmas, but my head hurts. I will do so... Tomorrow? Probably not. Sometime soon. Preferably... Before Christmas.

(Addendum: Man, I was listening to Crack Music again, and the fucking internet site got one of the lyrics wrong... It says "Merril-Lynch" instead of what it actually should be... But when I listened to the lyrics for myself and realized that he says "Merril-Lynched" I realized "Woah, that's a reallly good play on words!
We invested in that it's like we got Merril-Lynched
And we been hangin from the same tree ever since
It's a really good lyric now that I realized what it actually was. Good work, Kanye.)

It's Only Me...

You'll excuse me for this, but I don't know what else to do... My rage is threatening to boil over and I keep thumbing the knife on the desk in front of me with the intent to bury it in my chest just so I won't have to look at it anymore. I'm just so... Angry! ARGH! FUCK! I don't know what to do to calm down, I NEVER know what to do to calm down, and I'm hoping that this blog will siphon off some rage as it so often siphons off some of my pain and sorrow.

I had been talking to Jill, which is fine usually, but we started to talk about her parents, and about how they are... somewhat wary about me seeing Jill again. Now, on the one hand, that is understandable... But on the other hand, they can go fuck themselves. I really like her parents, and I was pretty sure they now disliked me, and not because I had done anything wrong, no, simply because I had been the victim of a bad situation, and I guess it's just fucking easier to go with the "winning team" than it is to stick with the guy that was never anything but nice, and polite, and... Ah, fuck. Anyway... What hurt most was thinking that her Dad didn't like me, because I had always thought that her Dad was one of the coolest people around... And we had always got along quite well. Well, Jill didn't want to just let that go, she didn't want me thinking that her Dad didn't like me when he really did, so she went and talked to him about it. Fine, that's the LAST thing I would have wanted her to do, but she was just trying to help. And the verdict? Well, he still likes me, I'm a "good kid", but he sees me as the "other man" now, and thinks that I still want her for sex and whatnot.

Well fuck you! Argh... Who the fuck ever said that I still wanted that, huh? The "other man"? I'm her friend! So fuck you! I'm glad I'm a "good kid", that's just fucking fabulous, but the fact is I'm glad you think so little of me as to assume that's what I'm in this friendship for. And the thing is... Argh, this is not really directed at him, though yeah I am fucking pissed off that he said that about me (and don't fucking call me kid with that connotation... Never call me kid and follow it up with a but. That goes for all of you.), and yeah I am somewhat yelling at him... But moreso I am expressing my rage at the prevailing opinion around here, and I am expressing my anguish at the thought of one more opinion expressed of me being the "other man"...

Because you know what? I am, in too many situations. I have a friend, who says it often, and I would previously get mad at him for it, because despite the truth behind it, it still hurts. But you know what? There is so much truth behind it, and I see that now... And I'm done with it. I am so through with being second in anyone's heart, I am absolutely fucking done with being the "other man"... There was a time when I would never had done something like that, when I would have refused to be the cause of strife in someone else's relationship. And then there came a time when I changed my tune, because I felt that I had no right to tell someone who they could and could not be with... And whether that was through sheer desperation, I don't know, but it was a choice I made willingly, with full knowledge of the consequences. And now... I'm going back, and not through any desire to stop causing strife in people's relationships... Frankly, I would be happy with causing as much strife for him as I possibly could. But now... This is for me. This is so that I feel that I'm no longer second best, so that I no longer have to worry about where I stand in a person's affections, so that I can be completely confident in the future that I really am a guy worth trying to keep.

This is for me.

(Addendum: It worked... That and finding an old piece of writing for me to edit have had an immeasurable calming effect. Yay for words.)

And It's All Your State Of Mind...

It's Saturday morning. No, no, Saturday afternoon, whatever, almost the same thing. What matters is that it's Saturday. I'm in that after-drunk state... My mind is cloudy and loopy, I can't really focus on anything... My ears are making everything muffled and distant, I think one of them may be ringing, but I don't care enough to concentrate and check.

I'm not going to get into details about what happened last night... I'm not in the mood to attempt to remember little details. Dane and Kevin and I went to pick up some money from Paul... I ended up downing about three shots of whiskey while I was in the basement, and when I say "downing", what I mean is chugging, because the asshole who said I could have a shot was fairly adamant about me getting one chance at it, and fuck if I'm not going to get as much as I can while I can get it. Upstairs we managed to convince one of the kids to bring us up a glass of the stuff, and I got about two shots from the glass before we left. Downtown, we bought three bottles of wine from Reid's, and drank a bottle each outside the bowling alley. I can distinctly remember listing off the reasons that I loved everyone (Kevin: "Hey! You stopped just before you got to me!"), and... Well, I know a lot happened. I puked outside, which is impressive in that I managed to get all the way down the stairs and open the door before throwing up all over the ground; I'm getting better. I threw up in the alley beside the bowling alley for a while, and then felt immeasurably better. I ended up dry-heaving a little later, sitting on my ass with my legs spread, body bent, wracked with waves of pain until eventually it stopped and I got up, feeling much better about everything. I also know that at some point I started kissing Lucie, without realizing that she had a boyfriend (she told me at some point, to be fair, and I probably paid no mind to it). We kissed, and we held hands as we walked down the street, and she curled up in my lap to sleep at one point, then got up so that I could do the same.

*Sigh* I don't know how to write this... I don't know what I should be saying, how I should be explaining myself, if I should be explaining myself. I mean, I like this girl, I really do... I feel like shit because she has a boyfriend, and the last thing I want to do is screw that up for her at all. I feel even worse if she regrets it, and not because that makes me feel bad about myself, but because it means that I have been a part of a memory that she regrets about herself, and I don't want to do that to her. The thing is... It wasn't because I was drinking. I don't suddenly become a different person when I'm drinking, although I'm quite sure that there are now a bunch of my friends who are of that opinion. I simply become... More of myself when I've had something to drink, and sometimes perhaps more of Chris is too much Chris, I guess I get hard to handle, hard to control, even for myself... And I don't regret anything, but I do things that I feel people think me obligated to regret. The thing is, this is another page in another chapter in my life, and if I had to pick between sitting comfortably on my couch at home, bored out of my skull and missing out on life, or heaving my guts out in an alley in small-town Ontario, you can be damn sure I'll take whatever experiences life will give me. Sometimes when you're sucking the marrow of life you get a sour taste in your mouth... Savour it, because we can never know joy until we know despair, the yin-yang dualism of life is as inescapable as life itself, and frankly, there is so much good mixed in with the bad that we find. The fact is, some people might tell me that I had a bad night last night, that it was nothing to be proud of. And you know what? Maybe, just maybe, I had a bad night, as standards go. But I had a great time.

Besides, always remember that standards are completely objective. To all those that never find themselves retching in an alley on a Friday night, I pity you. As I'm lying on that cold, wet pavement, I'm learning something about humility, about my natural human foolishness, about how to survive myself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts onto the dirty pavement. Life is too God damned short for us to look down upon one another, because there's a real good chance that one day we'll all have just as much reason to be embarrassed about ourselves, and just as much worry about what others are going to think of us come dawn the morning after (or school on Monday). Which is why I say we do away with embarrassment, we take all the chances that life throws our way, and yeah, we fall on our asses (or knees, if you're trying not to get it on you) a few times... Because you can be damn sure that when you do fall down, I'll be waiting right there to pick you right back up. You can wash puke out of your shoes later; I say that from experience.

So you know what? I will admit that I am worried about what people think of me. There were people with us, last night, who probably had no idea what I do on my own time, and you can bet that this was an eye opening experience for them. And I'm worried that they think less of me, that they will look down upon me, that they are disappointed by my behaviour. And the fact is, I can certainly understand why they would be. Would I, if I were them? No. And I can say that honestly and proudly... No, I would not look down upon me, because I know what it's like, I know how it is, and I think I am now a better person for having known that. I can still remember that one night, with Danielle, walking Paul home, first in a shopping cart, then draped over my shoulders, barely pulling him along... As he turned, and in one great heave, emptied the contents of his stomach upon my shoes... As we dragged him home, and I made up his bed for him, and then dragged him to the toilet, and then re-made his bed after he puked in it again... And I remember the prevailing thought as all this was happening, about how I was better than this, and that feeling of slight superiority over him because of it all. And now... I will never feel that way again. I will never again look down upon him as he lies retching on his kitchen floor. And I am glad, so very glad, to not be that person, to not have that supreme arrogance, to be a changed man. I feel now only love for the down-and-out, the momentarily helpless, because I know who they are... And I feel only joy at being able to help them back onto their feet with the knowledge that I might be doing the exact same thing in five minutes, five days, five years... Because how can we look down upon someone when we've stood in that same trench, made that same mess, survived that same night? And how can we look down upon ourselves when all that's come of those nights are a few ruined articles of clothing and a much deeper appreciation of the human condition?

Look, I've gotten a little preachy here, I can see that. And it may look like I've written all this just to cover my ass for a few foolish things I've done in the past. But the fact is, I've been wanting to say this for a while now, and I'm glad I finally got the chance to do it. I want to thank everyone who's ever helped me out of a tight spot, and everyone friend who's ever understood exactly why I do to myself what I do to myself. And to everyone who has ever learned even the slightest lesson from me, I say: "Don't mention it." I might not always be the best role model (A quote from a conversation last night: "I sometimes catch myself thinking "Is this something that Chris would do?"" "...How many shots have I had?"), but if there's anyone out there that has ever learned from my (poor) example, then it's all been worth it. Besides, it's great fodder for a book!

I hearken back to the motto that I have borrowed from Great Big Sea: "In this beautiful life, there's always some sorrow... And it's a double-edged knife, but there's always tomorrow..."

Sometimes, it's damn healthy to be on the other side of that blade.

(Addendum: I meant to talk about how distant and alone I felt, with only myself in this little bubble to keep me company... And writing this seems to have been the metaphorical equivalent of putting my arm around my own shoulder and going "Hey man, I'm always here for you." Thanks, me.)

Oh Yeah, Oh No!

Before I go on with my post about last night's show, I would ask you all to read these lyrics:

Sometimes when facing common trouble
When whole town is screwed
We become actually human
Act like Prometheus would
Suddenly there is more humor
And a party tabor style
People ringing one another
"Yo man, how was your blackout?"

Suddenly there is more music
Made with the buckets in the park
Girls are dancing with the flashlights
I got only one guitar!
And you see brothers and sisters
All engaged in sport of help
Making merry out of nothing
Like in refugee camp!

Oh yeah, oh no!
It doesn't have to be so
It is possible any time anywhere
Even without any dough!
Oh yeah, oh no!
It doesn't have to be so
The forces of the creative mind are unstoppable!

And you think, "All right, now people
They have finally woked up!"
But as soon as the trouble over
Watch them take another nap
Nobody is making merry
Only trotting scared of boss
Everybody's making hurry
For some old forgotten cause

But one thing is surely eternal
It's condition of a man
Who don't know where he is going
Who don't know where does he stand
Who's dream power is corked bottle
Put away in dry dark place
Who's youth power is well buried
Under propaganda waves

Who's dream life is in opposition
With the life he leads today
Who's beaten down in believing
It just kinda goes this way!

Oh yeah, oh no! It doesn't have to be so
It is possible any time anywhere
Even without any dough!
Oh yeah, oh no! It doesn't have to be so!
The forces of the creative mind are unstoppable!

That is a song called Oh No by Gogol Bordello, who after one listen last night on my way home from the show have become one of my favourite bands out there. In their broken English, they have crafted as perfect a Socialist anthem as I have ever seen... Love and fun and brotherhood are possible with or without money... All it takes is a sense of fellowship and a love for one another. I strongly, strongly urge you to give them a listen... How could any genre called "gypsy punk" ever be bad?

So, the show last night was very, very awesome... Pre-show, Graeme picked Alex, Joey and I up at my house, and we headed out to Newmarket listening to Choking Victim. I downed 2 caffeine pills before we left, and then another one in the car. We stopped off at Harvey's, where I bought a small fries (As that was all I could afford, though Alex offered to pay for my meal), and ate those and a fuckload of pickles (Alex asked for a "substantial wad" of pickles, it was excellent.) I downed my vodka, and then Alex and I shared a slow dance in the middle of Harvey's, where one poor little boy pointed us out to his Dad, who in turn shot us the dirtiest look. We kept dancing.

We got to the show, and the bands were, in order of playing, Riot Control, Crooked Hook, Outbred Inlaws, Buzz Deluxe, the STDs, the Heatskores, and the Expos (the Donuts). Riot Control is a band headed by the friend of a friend (Dave's friend Alex), and though I wasn't expecting too too much, they turned out to be much better than expected. I wouldn't drive all the way to Newmarket to see just them, but I'd also much prefer they opened over a lot of other local bands. Crooked Hook I remember nothing about, except turning to Alex to remark "They are a good filler band!", so the last comment about Riot Control applies to them too. The Outbred Inlaws were very good, very good indeed... The lead singer opened the set with the band's tagline: "Putting the cunt in country". I knew, after this, that they had to be at least half-way competent, and they proved to well exceed that... They were good enough, and fun enough, that I bought one of their CDs (for $3), after borrowing the money off Alex of course. It turns out the lead singer is actually a really nice guy too. Finally, Buzz Deluxe proved to be good psychobilly, and despite the fact that they weren't the STDs (I had thought they were up next), and I had resigned myself to sitting Buzz Deluxe out, I ended up dancing, at least for a little while.

The STDs were up next, and despite the fact that upon the opening chord the pit exploded into violence, and I ended up being punched in the throat and then thrown off to the side, I had a great time during their set. The skanking was a little more violent than I prefer during such a ska-centered band, and some stupid kids were going through the circle for the express purpose of punching people and generally stirring shit up, it ended up being a really, really good set. I don't quite remember, but I believe they opened with Skank it Up, and I don't quite remember, but I believe they closed with My Friend The Criminal (if that is the correct title, I'm not sure). All in all, great set, great band, I will be back.

the Heatskores... Ah, the Heatskores. I was reaaalllyyy excited to see them, as I haven't in a good long while, and they didn't disappoint (as they never do). I don't remember much of their set, only they didn't play Tapioca (sigh) and that the opening of The Day The Heatskores Died was one of the highlights of my night, it was absolutely fantastic.

Finally, the Expos played. At this point, I was completely dead, as was Alex, we were both crashing off our caffeine pills (which we had been taking periodically throughout the show, I don't know how many they had had, but I was up to probably about 8 or 9), and we sat out most of the set on the side, just grooving out to the music. I was somewhat disappointed that the Heatskores hadn't closed, but as soon as I heard the Expos, all those thoughts were pushed out of my mind. They were just so... Good. Mellow, but so, so danceable, and the crowd clearly loved them. The vibe was so different too... No circle skanking, no pushing in the pit, just a mass of kids all dancing and feeling the music. Finally, Alex and I couldn't take it anymore, and had to get up and dance. We ended up sharing another dance in the middle of the crowd, and then just grooved out and skanked until the set was over.

Also, Yvonne Moir (the saxophone player) is probably the hottest woman I have ever seen on a stage, ever. Seriously. If she wasn't going out with that guy from that band... I would still not hit on her, because I'm pretty sure she's about 6 years older than me... Wait, why would that stop me? Because I am a child at heart.

My state during the show varied... The start was excellent, but then I started to cramp up from the caffeine/alcohol-induced dehydration... Finally, my heartburn got so bad that even water started to burn going down. I got punched in the throat as I mentioned before, and got nailed a few times while standing at the front... I got pushed around constantly while trying to skank, and I got launched into the crowd a couple of times. All this is expected at shows though, and it ended up being a really, really excellent show. I saw Shannon again, which was really cool, and I really like her, she's a cool girl. Alex and I did another little sing-along together, and found out we actually harmonize pretty damn well when we're singing together... Our folk-punk band is going to be awesome.

So... Yeah, that's about it. I'm off to listen to Gogol Bordello, and maybe go down to get some lunch later... Or something. I greatly dislike Sundays... But man, do I need a day of rest.

A Mi Manera...

Hm, you know, it's weird... I wanted to write a blog, I've been wanting to write one for a day or two, but I just couldn't seem to get the motivation to do it... I don't know, I've just been in such a good mood lately, my ups seem more up and my downs less down, and I kind of think that that's why I haven't felt like writing. But now... Well, I've kind of been put into a slightly bad mood, a slightly sad state, and it's strange because it's really due to one person accidentally exploiting a strange weakness of mine... And they never could have known, and they certainly never would have done it had they known, because they are one of the sweetest, nicest people that I know... Which is why it hurt all the more. I won't say who it was, because I love them too much, and I certainly won't explain the problem, because... Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed by it. Yes, I was wrong... I guess I do still get embarrassed occasionally.

Now, over to other news... Jill and I. Sometimes the extent to which my emotions and feelings can jerk me around astounds even me, despite their penchant for doing this all my life. I completely forgave her, basically... I'm back to telling her I love her, and I'm back to meaning it completely. The thought that I might have stopped loving her, that that emotion had been killed, was so scary to me... I did not see myself as the kind of guy who would be able to lose that. And apparently... I'm not. I still hold her completely responsible for what she did, but the fact is, I can understand it now too. And I think that if she learned any lesson from it, if I had any part in making her into a better person because of it, then it was all completely worth it.

She reminded me how much I love existentialism, and how much I love egalitarianism... How much I believe in being completely responsible for your actions, how much I believe that we create who we are with every choice that we make, that no one can do it for us... How we can blame no one for the faults within us, how we can only blame ourselves; and yet, blame is not exactly the right word. Blame is so useless... It's recognition that we must have, and from recognition we can bring about change, because everything about us can be changed, the power of the mind can overcome almost any obstacle... You don't like something about yourself? Too timid, too shy, too submissive, too overbearing, too angry, too lazy, too... long winded? Then change it! I cannot blame my parents for the fact that I am lazy... Despite the fact that they never instilled within me a sense of work ethic, by the sheer recognition of that fact I have only myself to blame for that lack of work ethic. She reminded me of how I believe so firmly in equality, across all barriers of sex, race, religion, social background... Everything. How everyone has the potential for such good within them, such good... And such evil as well.

Remember, we create ourselves every second of every minute of every day... Every choice we make tells us who we are; nothing can be taken back, but everything can be made better... Or made worse. No one is a bad person unless they choose to be... And we all must accept responsibility for the total freedom that we have across all spectrum's. We are "condemned to be free", as Sartre once said, and it is this total freedom that scares us into deluding ourselves that we have limits, that there are laws and codes and barriers that impede us from acting freely. And these barriers are not necessarily bad things... I am a pacifist, and that is a barrier that I have created for myself, because it is what I think is right. I accept responsibility for that fact, just as I realize that I could easily break past it, and accept responsibility for that as well.

Urgh, okay, time to get down off my soapbox and go eat supper. What shall I have for supper? Well you see, I am ultimately free to choose whatever I wish for supper, but I must accept responsibility for my cho...

Just kidding.

Music: The Gipsy Kings - A Mi Manera

Thought I Knew What Love Was... What Did I Know?

I just got out of the shower, so I am feeling warm and clean and good... I had a blog completely written in my head while I was in there, but I have since then lost it and I have to start from scratch. The words don't quite flow like they used to, but I think I'm still capable of getting this all out. Basically, Jill and I are through. The story is... Nothing new, and that's really a large part of the problem, the fact that this is simply the kind of shit that has always been happening. Basically, to make a long, convoluted story much shorter, she said some extremely mean things to me, apologized, and then proceeded to tell me that the reason she said them was because he had been upset and she wanted to make him happier.

Now this is all yesterday's news, literterally, in that it happened yesterday. And yesterday I would have told you that I was never going to forgive her, never going to speak to her again. Today... I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm still angry as hell at her, for what she's done to me... But even more what she's done to us. I mean... The thing is, I can pretty much forgive her one day, that's a given; I've never been one for holding a grudge, it's just not something that I do. But the thing is... I'm not sure if I can ever look at her the same way again, knowing what she's done, and what she's capable of doing. And it's sad, because that is kind of one of the reasons I'm almost forgiven her... Because she's shown me that she is by no means perfect. And the thing is, I used to think she was, I really did, and perhaps that's my fault for holding her up to such a high standard... But now I've realized, because of this, that she's only human, and I can frankly get by without her. Things would be better with her in the picture, perhaps, or perhaps they would be worse, it's actually hard to say now.

I think I've stopped loving her.

I think, of all the things that have happened, it's strange that this is the thing that would do it. But, no matter how strange it is, the fact is that I'm not sure if I can ever love her like I used to. Which is a damn shame, because there was so much love there, so much... You have to admit it took a lot of damage to kill that. I mean, this is what... Two break-ups, many large slights made against me, countless little ones... You guys could count it better than I could, because I was blind for so long to the bad things that were happening. But now, I can see it all... And they're standing happily right at the centre of that shit-storm. And I wish them all the best... So long as they remember that sure, right now, what you do to other people doesn't seem to matter, because you have each other and that's all you need... But when the day comes when you don't have each other anymore (and that day will come), you will have to own up to everything you've done. And I won't be there waiting to pick you up when you fall... You can get up yourself this time.

So, how does this apply to any of you guys? Well, there are lessons that we all can, and must, learn from this. Remember that the little things will eventually build up to a big thing... And the longer you let those little things build up, the bigger that ball becomes until eventually it is capable of destroying all that you have created. I let the little things build and build and build, and finally there were just too many of them to ignore, and all it took was that one more medium-sized issue to sink the whole damn ship. Another thing I've realized from this is that it it is really actually possible to kill a feeling, to kill that love that someone feels for you... You can actually wrong them enough so that things will never be the same. Always remember that... Forgiveness is not a sure thing.

So it's a day later, and I still feel this way, this anger and this pity and this sadness for what we lost... And I think that means that I'm going to stay like this. I think I should, too, because I think there comes a point when transgressions deserve to be punished.

So basically, I've forgiven her. But I've forgiven her because I don't wish to have that hate in my heart. A very wise woman once told me that "the world is so much better when you're happy", and that I cannot let them weigh me down... I have to just be happy. So, the fact is, I've forgiven her, because they are not worth the extra baggage that it would take to be angry at them. I have forgiven her because she has made it so much easier to move on, now that she has shown me the kinds of things she does... I don't want a girl who would do those things to other people, and I sure as fuck don't want a girl who would do those things to me.

And... My God. I just had the weirdest sensation of having a weight taken off my shoulders. It was so cliched, but I was sitting there, thinking about how this was a weight off my shoulders, and all of a sudden it was... I went from reasonably happy (for a Monday morning) to very, very happy (for a Monday morning). I mean, at first I was afraid... Shit, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without her by my side... But then I spent a single night just thinking how she did me wrong... And I grew strong! I learned how to get along...

I wiiiillllll surrrrrvvvvviiiiivvvvveeeeeee...

She always hated that song...

God I love that song.

Music: Don Henly - The Boys of Summer (acoustic)

You Sit Back, You Smile, And This Is What You Hum...

I missed my blogging anniversary. It was on the 27th... It's been a whole year since I started this. If anyone cares to see how all this started, you can head over to my Myspace page... I was reading them over last night, and I was pretty pleased with my writing... I mean, I think I've improved, of course, but I wasn't cringing in shame, so I wasn't doing too bad back then.

I haven't been posting lately, which is for a number of reasons. One, the main reason, is because nothing is really happening in my life right now. The thing is, I only really post when big events are happening in my life or, like now, just to let you guys know that I'm still alive. The thing is, I've had people tell me lately that I seem to only write when I'm sad, and I actually believed this too... But I realized, reading through my old blogs, that that is not exactly true. I've written some very, very happy stuff, when things were going my way. The fact that a lot of the stuff I have been writing lately has been upset and depressed is mainly due to the fact that shit just wasn't going my way lately... I had a break-up, the whole Brianne thing... Of course the stuff I write is going to be depressed. The stuff before that? Well, look at the situation I was in... I had a right to be upset. Now, granted, I could have, and should have changed that situation, because I am a firm believer in taking the blame for anything that you can blame yourself for; that's existentialism for you. But, hey, I'm 17... I don't have all the answers. I don't even know what the questions are!

The thing is, that's the reason you guys never see me happy. When I am just in a regular sad mood, when I'm depressed, I write, because it is cathartic. When I'm in a regular happy mood, which is most of the time, I don't post about it because it is my default emotional state, and it is nothing new. I only really post when I have something to say. I whine and write about sad stuff so that I don't have to whine about it in real life.

Now the thing is, people have called me emo for this blog, and this used to make me angry, because I am most certainly not. Emotional? Yes. Emo? No. And don't even try to tell me that it's the same thing, because we are all aware of the negative connotations that "emo" carries. But, anyway, I used to get angry at this, until I realized that that is partially my fault. I have given you guys a skewed view of me as a person. By posting about this sad stuff all the time, I give the view that I am always sad. This is very untrue, but that's how it seems. So for that, I am sorry... Just realize that, in reading this blog, that you get a picture of me as a person... But it is not the complete picture, by any means.

Jill was talking to me about some relationship problems with Josh the other day, and I actually felt a genuine desire to help her, rather than yell at her and tell her that this was all her fault anyway, as I would have wished to do up until not too long ago. She told me that Josh was trying to change her, and one of those changes was not being friends with me anymore. I told her that you do not try to change the people you love... If you like someone, if you are satisfied with someone, you do not try to change that person. That seems reasonable, right? I mean, we're not going to stop being friends, that's a simple fact... Why quibble about it. Yeah, you know what, I might go down and see her again, and he'll have to live with the fact that he has to trust her for that weekend, on her own. That's how it goes.

It's raining out, I fucking hate the rain... I do not like getting wet. I have to walk to school to get some work done in yearbook... But, that 40 is calling my name too... Oh well, we'll see what happens. I'm not technically on the clock today, so it's my call. Sweet...

Vaya con amor, my friends;

Christopher.

Music: Catch-22 - 1234, 1234

...Just To Break My Own Fall...

I took my sister to the Santa Clause parade, we walked there and back, and now my extremities are on fire from the cold. I was an hour and a half long (approximately), and I am not a huge fan of parades in general... But, to be honest, it was kind of fun to actually get along with my sister for once. And... The parade wasn't all bad.

I knew Brianne was going to be in it... I don't think she told me, I just kind of knew... I mean, with her skating and all, it made sense. It caught me completely by surprise when I saw her, and my heart actually skipped a beat or two... And I waved, and smiled, and she looked surprised to see me, and then she waved and smiled back... And then she was gone, and I was left sitting there, but wanting to run after her and jump up onto the float myself.

I realized two things when I saw her today... One, I realized that I really like her, a lot. I realized that it's always going to kinda sorta hurt as long as I know that she's with Mark. And two... I realized that I really can't blame her for anything. To be angry at her, deserved or not, would put our friendship in danger, and I would never do that... As long as I have that, I have hope. And frankly, I never expected to be able to sweep her off her feet and forget about him... I mean, frankly, I was always scared that if we ever went out that I'd never be able to live up to his legacy, that I'd always just be filler, that I wouldn't be able to treat her as she deserves to be treated. And I haven't totally given up on thoughts of her and I going out, but the fact is, perhaps it's better this way. Because this is the way that it is...

But not forever.

Music: Regina Spektor -- Fidelity

Start Another Fire And Watch It Slowly Die...

I am more at peace with everything. I mourn my lost chance, and I would much prefer things had happened differently, but I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change that which I have no control over.

I'm happy for her, as long as she is happy, and that is what matters in the end. It's not like what happened here is what happened with Jill... This is on a much smaller scale, different players, a different scene, a modified script... This is not the same production. My role in this particular play is not even the same... In the original, I was the tragic hero, and here I am once again fifth business. I can live with that, as long as I am reassured that this God damned typecasting is going to stop... I swear, I have the skill to play out a bigger role, just give me the script, give me the spotlight, and open the curtain.

And then you'll see.

Music: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Over And Over Again (Lost and Found)

...You'd Think The World Was Ending...

Fuck.

Fuck!

I should've written this ages ago, days ago in the least, but I put it off, put it off, because happiness just doesn't make for good blogging, happiness does not make for good story-telling, there was never a good soap-opera without pathetic sadness and anger. So, I will fulfill your expectations here, all you who tell me I'm "emo" when I write things like this, and never mind the cathartic aspect, because it's much fucking better to label me, no matter how hard I fight to tell you why I'm not, ignoring the fact that I really have no other "emo" tendencies, I don't dress in black, I don't cut myself, I don't mope all day long, and in fact my only crime has been honesty in my writing, telling you how I feel is the sin that I've allowed myself, and if you read this and call me "emo", well... I am what I am.

Wait a minute... Fuck you! If there's one thing I've gained from these experiences, it's a sense of self-worth. No... That is not the right term, that is the wrong word... More a sense of... Solidarity with myself. I know now that I have to be happy with who I am... And I will gain just as much respect for sticking to my guns and staying true to myself than I will with always compromising and thus always getting the short end of the stick. If I want to derive a sick sense of pride from making others happy at the expense of myself, then I will. But not at the cost of my overall sanity, not at the cost of a piece of my soul. I will give my soul fully, or not at all... Not in bits and pieces. That's not my style.

Josh, the next time you choose to mock me in your blog by using a paragraph of mine, try to make sure that paragraph doesn't make your writing style seem like that of a half-retarded rhesus monkey.

Anyway, Jill is with Josh. C'est la vie. Perhaps not how life should be, not how it should've happened in my mind, but that's how it ended up. Fuck, it's just... I don't know, half the times I've talked to her since then, especially when it's been her with Josh, it just feels like exactly that... Her with Josh, and me on my own. Me against them. I hate that feeling, because, fuck, it used to be me and her against him... He was just our minor distraction, and he was going to be out of the way eventually, it was just a matter of time... And suddenly the tables switched? Suddenly I'm the minor distraction in their relationship?!?

I will not be relegated to the minor leagues! I will not fade away into oblivion!

And now I know, that what we had, will be so hard for me to get back... It is so hard now, talking to her, to get past what she's done, and our conversations are never the same, and maybe they never will be, because a part of me is going "I love you, I miss you, I'm not over you..." and another part of me, locked in the back, but nonetheless demanding to be heard, is screaming "Look what she did to you! Look what she let him do! Stand up for yourself!". And I can't get past the fact that it didn't even stop after we broke up, she still fucking took his feelings into account more than she did mine, because fuck, he's her boyfriend... But I was the one who was hurting, and I was the one who needed to be fucking coddled for once... Oh well. At least I can say, though I bore the brunt of the attack, the bulk of the pain, I took it face first, head up, tears in my eyes and bone in my back... For once in that whole fucking mess.

And then... I don't know how to tell this story. There is this girl named Brianne. Me and Brianne are extremely close... We are like best friends, and we have been for a very long time. We sort of lost touch for a while, we fell apart, but a little while ago we rekindled that which we once had, and everything was good! Now the thing about Brianne and I is... Once upon a time ago, in the days of elementary school, I like Brianne. And the funny thing is, Brianne liked me. But neither of us knew it, I was fucking blind, and I won't say this about her, but she didn't see it either. And the thing is, I realized, a little while ago, that that feeling hadn't exactly died. But she felt it would be better with us as friends, because she didn't want to ruin what we had, and she always said that there was a possibility in the future... And so I denied my feelings, openly and to myself, but I always held on to that hope. You see, I learned something... After Jill, I felt as though I'd never really like anyone again, that no one would be able to hold a candle to her... And when I realized what I felt for Brianne, I suddenly realized how fucking... Teenage that was. How naive I was to believe in the exclusivity of emotion, to think that I would never like another girl... So, without even knowing it, Brianne helped me through that break-up as much as anyone did.

And we got close... And we got closer... And we got to where I was pretty sure that I actually stood maybe possibly a good chance of having her. And she knew it too... And in fact, knowing what they had planned that night, she perhaps knew more than me...

And tonight, her and Mark got back together.

And I am happy or her, so happy for her! I'm not joking, I'm not being sarcastic, the fact that she's happy with it makes me happy... Or makes me believe I should be happy. It's a spark of flame on doused kindling at the moment, to be honest. Because I know that we're still best friends, as we'll still tell each other all our secrets, and we'll still be as close as we were before... And I know that she'll be happier with him than she would've been with me anyway, and I know that I was silly to get my hopes up, and I know that this is ultimately the best possible thing for her, the best option.

But fuck.

I am now a firm believer in people learning to break the fuck up. Damn it, every single one of you, stop getting my hopes up! If I walk into one more rebound feeling, I am going to fucking take a bat to my competition, and then maybe to myself if I still have the energy.

Not to play to the aforementioned stereotype, but why the fuck is everyone going to be happy but me? Damn it, if I see one more happy couple out there I am going to torch my nearest Hallmark store. And if I see one more couple complain, well... I'm going to take that torch to myself. Yes, I understand things aren't all rainbows and butterflies. Yes, I realize that you guys have problems too, all of you... But no, the grass is not greener on the other side. I'm allergic to grass anyway.

Ergh, the self-pity level in this room just knocked itself up about 12 notches.

*Sigh* I did forget how good this feels though... My thoughts are down and composed so that I don't have to be.

Oh! Also, before I forget, would you all be so kind as to sign your comments when you make them? I don't want to have to take away the ability to remain anonymous, because anonymity is certainly a valid choice, but I do like to know who is complimenting/insulting me. I don't mind being yelled at, but I would like to know who I'm supposed to be refuting. Thank you.

Alright, bed. Don't worry, this will continue to be updated more often...Dark clouds on the horizon or not. Until then... I need sleep.

Music: Regina Spektor -- Ghost of Corporate Future

...We're Both At Fault, We're Both To Blame...

I think I've lost the urge to do this... To do anything. I can feel a slow apathy creeping in, and I know that that apathy is really just the grasping tendrils of a larger depression waiting on the horizon.

I thought the passage of time would have started to ease my pain by now, but it's clear that a week is not even close to the required amount of time. Every little thing about... them, still hurts me... Their little pet names, the pictures of them together... I thought that I would have accepted it by now, but no.

The bastard is still emailing me too... Does she realize that he can't keep his mouth shut to save his life? Or, more applicable, to save their relationship? That poor son of a bitch doesn't even realize the aces I have up my sleeve. And the sad thing is, out of respect to her, he never will.

He just stands there and kicks me while I lie curled up in the fetal position. And the sad thing? She stands by and watches, and sure, maybe it hurts her, and maybe she shields her eyes, turns her head and looks away... Good, I don't want her to watch me while I'm in pain like that. But the fact is, it keeps happening, and yeah, I hold her responsible for that. We are judged by the company we keep, for better or for worse... And the fact is, she picked him. Now, I'm going to judge her on that.

Do I want to cut all contact with her? Would that ease this pain? No, and yes. Maybe things would stop, on that side, though a new pain, almost unimaginable, would come up on the other side. Time, as it always does, might ease that pain... But nothing is a sure thing. The fact is, we love each other, and for that to die... I would feel more empty than I do now, and that is a hard thing to even consider.

I need a walk now... I don't know what kind of state I'll be in when I get home, or what kind of mood either... I wish I could say that it can only go up, but that would be a bit of a lie. I feel like shit right now, certainly, but it can always get worse. Here's to hoping it doesn't...

Now let's go complete that toast.

...Honesty As Popular As A Plague...

Today has been... Strange.

I was really hyper all day, with one exception (just before I went to Writer's Craft to do my Drama test), and I had what was, for all intents and purposes, an excellent day.

Then I came home, feeling pretty good. And then, I cried.

It was strange... I guess I finally opened back up, I'd been numb for a while... It's hard to explain, but... For the couple days previous to this, whenever I would think back on Jill and I, all our great memories, I would feel... Well, not nothing, but not exactly what I expected to either. It was just sort of a "Yeah, that was nice. Ah... Good times." It just wasn't... Affecting me. At all. It scared the hell out of me, to be honest.

But today... Today, for better or for worse, I got the feeling back. I thought about all the amazing times we had, and all the amazing times we still should be having, the times that are now ruined by our breakup, and I wept. That's right, not cried, but wept.

Jill asked me if I wanted to make a "clean break". She told me it would hurt her very deeply, but if it was what I wanted, we could do it. I told her that, in my opinion, there is no such thing as a clean break; that break would be messier than anything. People will tell me that I'm being an idiot, that this can only lead to more pain, but the bare fact is... I still love her, and she still loves me. She's just too far away for this to work, because we are too young for that shit... 2 hours is far too many. But she may not always be so far... Toronto is close enough, isn't it? She wanted me to tell her that there is still a chance, still an opportunity for us, once she is closer. I refused to tell her that, for a number of reasons... Because I don't want to be the backup guy, because I'm really not sure what will be going on by then... But the truth of the matter is, I wanted to say yes, so much... Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that the answer is yes.

This is not over. I've come to realize, through Brianne, through Danielle, that once I like somebody, and I mean really like them, they never really leave my heart. Once I love someone, I will love them forever, for better or for worse, and that's just how it is. Sometimes those feelings change slightly, to be sure, but at the core of them is still that burning love that I am truly capable of... Everyone gets a piece of that love, but some much more than others. And Jill... Jill is as far away from an exception as you can get. I don't know how to think of Jill as anything but that girl that I love so deeply... That's why it scares me to think of seeing her again, because I don't know if I can adjust, and I don't know if I want to, and I really don't know if we will. It's kind of an all-or-nothing thing with us, or so it feels to me... Either we are going to meet as friends and it will tear me apart for the loss of that feeling, or we will meet and slip back into those old habits. I mean... She wants there to be another opporunity. I want there to be another opportunity... But the thing is, I cannot temper the flames of emotion that I feel for her, I cannot control them... Either they die, or they burn hot. I'm not sure if I can just turn them on or off... We could try, but do we want to risk that? What if I can never get that feeling back? What if simply trying burns me again?

For better, or for worse, this is not over. Nothing lasts forever; not even nothing lasts forever.

...I Know It's Gonna Be Alright; Someway, Somehow tonight...

I just got back from the STD's show.

My head pounds. My chest burns. My throat hurts. My body aches. My stomach's sick.

It was the best show I've ever been to.

There were five bands... I think. I don't quite remember, all I know is that I was skanking for all the bands except one, a good amount of each set. I didn't stop at all for the STD's, and the whole time I was either skanking with everyone else or holding down the middle, dancing like a fool, keeping the poor little kids who needed a break from getting crushed.

Speaking of little kids, we were like the oldest kids there... Everyone else was just so young! Plus, I swear, I saw approximately 3 people who were not wearing black, not counting our group. Kevin wore a white Cannington shirt, Alex wore a red cowboy type shirt, and I wore that orange Moroccan shirt that Jill always hated so much, yet remains my favourite of all the clothes I own. I wore my black fedora too, and my bowling shoes, which proved absolutely perfect for my style of skanking. I love them.

Plus, True Trout played Gay Rude Boys Unite, and Sink Florida Sink, which was absolutely awesome. Thennnnnn, the STD's played Santeria! Plus, they played all my favourite songs, making for one crrrraaaaazzzzyyyy night. It was... The best night I've had since... Well, since the last time I saw Jill, to be honest.

I miss her. I miss her terribly. I know that, in my heart and in my mind, I still love her. Despite what she did to me, despite what she let happen, and despite the final result of all my greatest efforts, I still love her.

I've realized now... It was the distance. I know you all thought that I changed once I started going out with her... I ceased to be the fun-loving, free-spirited, irascible little scamp you all knew and loved. It's true. And you all thought that it was Jill that did it to me. And that... Could not be farther from the truth.

It wasn't her. I always knew that it couldn't have been her, because she made me so happy, she brought out the best in me... So how could it be that she also managed to squash that "best" so often? Simple; she didn't. It was never her... it was the distance between us. I was always pining for her, always wanting to be close to her, because that is who I am... I am needy, I am touchy, I need to be able to hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and all those good things. Sure, the distance thing might have worked, I know I could've made it work... But I would've remained the shell that I was. And now, I can tell you guys honestly and impartially, that that was never her fault.

The future scares me. I don't know what I'm going to do without her... I know that I'll survive, I will come out of the fire stronger than I was before, but I have no idea how. I don't want to be alone... I want someone to hold and to care for, to do things for, to love. I liked the feeling of being a boyfriend, and as I stated before, I was damn good at it. I want to go back to it... But I was alone for so long here, in this little town, and I'm not sure if that's going to change this time around. All I can do is hope.

So Jill... I miss you. I love you. I know you love me too, and always did. Nothing, no distance, will change that. We may not be able to show our love as we once used to, but we are both stronger simply for having that love. Thank you, for everything you did. Sorry for everything I couldn't do. I know now that I did indeed have the time of my life.

I can see those dark clouds of depression on the horizon... Loneliness and sadness threaten to overtake me, not now, but eventually. I know that I will have to go through that again...

My only recourse is to keep on dancing.

Never stop dancing.

...Time Of Your Life...

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

This song… I listened to it last night, when I was with Brianne and Hunter and Destinee, and it’s always made me cry, every time… But this time, it did not. Because… Because I felt far too empty to cry.

I don’t feel too empty to cry right now.

Do you know the last time I heard this song Jill? It was the party… I remember it, and we danced, and you wanted to hold me so that I didn’t cry, but I did, just a bit, and yet it was more out of happiness than sadness, so it was okay.

And now, I can’t even… I just don’t know what to do. I miss being with her, just feeling that I was, so much. There was a lot of pain, a lot of it, but…

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

I learned so much from this, things that gave me great joy, things that I never wanted to know, things about people, about emotion, about myself… Things that I will keep with me forever.

I was optimistic in the end, right up until I asked her that question, I still had faith that she’d pick me. It was something unpredictable… And I’m not sure if, in the end, it was right.

But I hope you had the time of your life.

..And We Are Stronger Than Everything They Taught Us That We Should Fear...

Today was... Not good. At all. This breakup is so much worse than the last one, because this one feels permanent, you know? But then... Jill told me it doesn't exactly have to be. I mean... I don't know. But I am actually really starting to believe that it was the distance, and only the distance, that killed us... Because she is taking this about as hard as I am.

Now, I would get into a depressing little rant about my day, but no... I no longer feel like that, for the next few minutes any way. And who do we have to thank for this new outlook? Why, none other than everyone's bestest buddy, Joshie! Awww, t'ank you Joshie, you've managed to make me see that there's more to this than "getting the girl."

He's still emailing me. That asshole is actually still emailing me! He can't be content with "winning", he can't be content with her, he thinks now he can strike with impunity, from afar, and laugh in his invincibility. Well... Here, just to show you the extent to which his douchebaggery goes, here is his latest little email:

"lol oh i hear your just charming, you wanna watch out. should have kept up the good behaviour might have improved your chances down the road, since love is eternal and all...oh yeah might want to keep a little control on your hostile emotions, jill is practically having seizures because of the vibes your sending out, tsk tsk. i got back stabbed and i wasn't THIS malicious. Christ you've had a month to deal..that must be the whole age thingy kicking in

ps i'm still waiting for that whole apoligy thing

pps you made her cry...those tears are yours alone"

No names have been changed to protect the innocent... Because no one is innocent here. And the spelling and grammer mistakes? All his.

So, he starts off with a threat, to which I respond "Right here buddy, right here." (You can insert the raised middle finger for yourself... And in your case Josh, right up your ass. Though, I'm sure you were far ahead of me on that one.)

I'm going to skip over that whole sarcasm part... Man, stick to the shit you do best, intelligent sarcasm... Not your strong suit. What is your strong suit? Well, being a general asshole is really the only thing that I can think of. So, yeah, stick to that, and good luck out there in the world.

Now, he got back stabbed and wasn't THIS malicious? And I made her cry? Well... Shit! God damn it all, what have I done?!?

Man, she made me cry too. We both cried. That is what you do in a breakup, idiot.

The apology thing? To clarify, he wants me to apologize for all my lying. Well, man, I'm going to say this once more, and "God" willing, the millionth time might be the charm. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. Are you new to this whole "thought" thing? Is your life that mind-numbing that you've forgotten how to use that thing floating inside your skull? I haven't been lying! Argh! Your total disregard for what is blantantly obvious is actually now to the point of being fucking comical! I... I cease to see how you function in every day life. Are you that insulated from reality? Did you kill too many brain cells over at Greg's? None of these would even add up. Bravo Joshie, bravo... Your rampant idiocy astounds even me.

He says "You've had a whole month to deal." Listen, Josh, have you given any thought, any thought at all, as to why Jill might be crying? After all this time, it was this blog that made her break down? Fuck, please! Maybe... Jesus Christ, a thought! Maybe it's because we broke up, you fucking knob! And maybe, just maybe, she cries because she loved me, and still does, and is sad to see that this distance between us is just too much! Ever thought of that?

Okay, okay, I am aware of the lunacy of using the word "thought" in a sentence directed at him. You'll excuse me if I blame it on the alcohol... Or, you know, the emotional wrecking. Either or.

So, anyway, to sum up... This is the asshole that she picked. This is the miserable excuse for a decent human being that she loves enough to choose him over me. Perhaps he has redeeming qualities, though you'll excuse me if I don't hazard a guess as to what those may be... Even my poor little brain has its limits.

I'll give you guys an actual update on my life tomorrow. But now, I go to bed, satisfied, my righteous anger a warm glow in my belly. Or maybe that's the vodka, who can tell?

...The Disco Before The Breakdown...

I am many things. I am drunk, I am broken, I am angry, I am upset. I am lost, I am confused. I am alone.

It happened last night, I think everybody except me was waiting for it, including her. I was optimistic right until the end.

"This situation isn't good."

"No, it's not."

"I need to know honestly... If I was to give you the choice, right now, between me and him, who would you pick?"

"Him. I'm sorry."

...

That was the end. She tried to make me feel better for the rest of the conversation, and I tried to hold it together until I got off the phone with her. It wasn't until the end... I knew, that when I hung up, that it was goodbye for a while. I knew, that when I hung up, that things would never again be the same. I broke down before I had the chance to catch myself.

Dave made it better though... We went out bowling, and he and Brianne made me remember that I was maybe possibly going to make it through this... If I could be with them all the time, this wouldn't be nearly as hard.

I learned so much from this experience, and I think you guys deserve for me to impart those lessons upon you... But right now, in the throes of my depression, I only remember one lesson: The asshole gets the girl. Nice guys finish last. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch-black. Life has been trying to teach me these things for 17 years, and I think maybe I'm just starting to understand now.

There's so much I want to say to her, so much I want her to know... I want her to know exactly how much I loved her. I want her to know what she threw away, and that she'll never have that again. I want her to know that their relationship will never be the same... I want her to know that I hope she sees me... When she's kissing him, she'll think of me, if only for a fleeting moment. Every time they're having fun, she'll think, just for a moment, that things would be so much better if it was me sharing it with her, rather than him. Every time he does something horrible to her, something mean to her as he seems so fond of doing, she might, just for a moment, remember that I never, ever would have done that to her, that I would have always treated her just as she deserved... Like a queen. In the deepest, darkest, angriest recesses of my mind, I hope that forever this choice will leave a bitter taste in her mouth, in her heart. I hope she remembers me, now and forever.

I... I want her to hurt, to know what she's done, to know what this has done to me, to know that I will never, ever be the same.

But most of all, I want her to know that I love her. I thought I'd stopped, maybe, but now... I know that this is for the best, and I have no regrets, except that I wish she could've seen what she meant to me. I know this is right... But I still love her.

I'm pretty angry at the world right now... Angry at the world, at her, and most of all at myself. I just wish... I just wish I knew exactly what he had that I didn't. The distance thing? We would've made that work, Jill. There is... Something else. I can reconcile myself with one fact: He never "won". I lost. And there is a big, big difference there.

There is one other thing I take from this. I was never sure before, I was untested, and I always had the feeling, but I was so scared that I would be wrong... But, and I can say this with no hint of arrogance, in the end... I made a damn good boyfriend.

And now... Where do I go from here? If I live through the night, I think things will get better tomorrow. I don't want to be alone, and I see those dark clouds on the horizon... The looming depression, the old foe that I once had, back to the basics of being me. But those are secondary concerns... Right now, I want to die. I won't die, unless I make an active effort at it, so I think I'm safe.

I'm going for a walk now, I'm already starting to get that headache... And I know what it means. And one day... I'll be able to tell you guys that I'm okay. Just... Not right now.

...And They're Just Pieces Of Paper...

*Sigh*

Yes, that's always a good way to start a blog.

I saw Borat today, it was absolutely awesome... Seeing it with the guys was exactly the kind of thing I needed, exactly the kind of thing I need to get out and do more often. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it was to just relax like that... I pretty much forgot all my troubles, until near the end of the movie at least, when I started to miss Jill a lot... It's our anniversary you see, and I started to feel really guilty that I was out with the guys instead of at home talking to her. Of course, to be fair, she was supposed to be at piano, so I wouldn't have been talking to her anyway, but nevertheless.

I'm a little... I don't know, a little depressed, a little thrown off at the moment. I went to Jill's livejournal, to see her latest post as she told me to... And was greeted with pictures of her and Josh kissing. Because that's exactly what I wanted to fucking see. *Sigh* It's just, she used to warn me about that kind of thing, when she was going to do it... And it's quite hard to look at my girlfriend kissing another guy... I mean, I know it happens, clearly, but I would rather it wasn't happening as a still life right in front of my face.

Oh well, I'll get over it. I love you darling... Happy four months.

(Addendum: Fuck! Arrrrgggghhhh... And now they're hanging out, isn't that just a fucking kick in the teeth? I'm supposed to phone her at nine... I do, she's not there, okay, must be busy. Yeah, fucking right she was busy. She could've given me a little warning, Jesus Christ... And then I phone twenty minutes later, and she's acting weird, and something's up, but I don't want to accuse her, I don't want to say "Oh, Josh is over, that's just fucking great..."

"I love you."

"You too."

Happy fucking four months.)

(Addendum: Alright... I think I've calmed down. But that really, really hurt. Enough so that I'm not even sure I was overreacting... But you know what? She'll make it better... I bet it wasn't even her fault. I love you Jill.)

(Addendum: *Sigh* Again. Apparently, it technically is her fault. She knew he was coming over... She just forgot to tell me. I just put more symbollism into today then she did... Which is understandable, I suppose... The phone thing, it's hard... So it would've been smarter to just forget about today and pretend that sunday was the 7th. But... No one informed me of the plan. Hence, Josh coming over really, really hurt. But... At least she feels bad, so I know she cares.)

...Doesn't Mean I'm Going Backwards...

I've lost the urge to blog... I hope this is only a temporary thing, because I enjoy it so much... I hope this isn't my natural apathy taking root once more.

It's a shame, because plenty is happening in my life, and I want to share it with you guys... Because it helps.

Me and Jill are doing so well... and then we aren't, and then we are. It's... confusing, but no one ever said this would be easy. Oh God, that reminds me of that song... But then, oddly enough, that song reminds me of that night, at the Halloween party. Remember it baby? I actually might be able to listen to it now.

But, anyway, I'm counting down the days until I see her again... There are too many, but there always are, aren't there? Things may be uncertain now, I may get worried, and she may get scared, and we may not know the future... But the fact is, everything's better when we're together. Everything else just... Melts away. As long as I can hold on until then, nothing else will really matter, because to be in her arms once more is worth every single heartache I have to endure until then.

I love you darling.

...As Long As I Know How To Love...

I feel... Strange. I don't know, I don't know what it is, but I feel liberated, empowered... At this moment, I like who I am. And I think I'm starting to remember that that's the most important thing to me... Being comfortable with me, liking the person that I am.

I've forgotten that, in the last little while, I lost sight of that; I did some things, made some decisions that I really wasn't happy with, decisions that I felt, and still feel, reflect on who I am as a person. And I can't take those decisons back, as much as I'd like to... But I can learn from them. In fact, if I don't learn from them, I am doomed to repeat them, repeat my mistakes, and be hurt again and again and again. And I cannot do that.

I compromise. That's who I am, I'm a diplomat, I am concerned with everyone else before myself. But sometimes, sometimes I take that to a dangerous extreme. Compromising shouldn't be painful for me, or it shouldn't be too painful... Because making people feel better brings me such joy. That joy should balance out everything, it should make me feel satisfied in the end, even if I might seem to get the lesser end of the bargain. But... That only works up to a point. Eventually, there comes a time when a decision, a compromise is so painful to me, when I'm really not getting any joy out of it... And yet I make it anyway. And that... That is not something for me to be proud of. I can look at that and say "Yeah, look at me, I'm so good it hurts, I am so willing to do the right thing that I will bring myself to self-loathing, I will bring myself to thoughts of suicide, just so that someone else can be happy." Well, you know what? That's not a good thing. That doesn't make me a good person, a martyr... That makes me an idiot. There is no mincing words... That is just plain stupid. I love to make people happy... But I can't really do that unless I myself am happy, I have no right to give advice, to listen to problems, or to spread any joy, if I am not happy with the person that I am. And I see that now.

And that's why I don't lie anymore. That's why I don't run. Because I recognized that a while ago, and I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, taking a stand for yourself really feels good. So she can feed him whatever he wants to hear, and he can blelieve whatever he wants to believe... And I can't stop that. Nothing I do can stop that. But the fact is, now I see that. I know that I cannot do everything, I am not Superman, I'm just Christopher, and that's all I'll ever be. And if I'm not comfortable being what I am, then what wil become of me? It's a moot point, because I am.

Thank you, to everyone that made me see that... And thank you most of all to Dave. You, my friend, you taught me that I might not be such a bad guy... That in the end, I have many flaws to be sure, but that they are flaws that, in my twisted, strange way, I might actually be a little proud of those flaws. And, even better than that, I have strengths, there are parts of me that are really, really good. Despite my willingness to cause myself so much pain, despite my tendancy to dump it on other people, in spite of my whining and bitching at a situation that is, quite honestly, my own damn fault, I am actually a great guy. And Jill, thank you for showing me that, while there aren't many, there are actually some girls, some amazing, unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true girls, that might actually love me for who I am. Or at least there's one.

I love you.

...And I'll Be Homeward Bound Again...

(I'm not sure how this is going to come out... My computer appears to have made the decision to implode while I was gone, and now will not remove itself from 16 colours at 640x480 resolution. Translation? I can't see a bloody thing. *Sigh* This is not what I need right now. Oh well, to the blog!)

We're on our way home now, we just finished our lunch stop (at Burger King, of all places), and we are now homeward bound once more. Dave just switched seats with Hunter so that he could sit with Brianne, and I am now left with no one to talk to and joke around with... But, it gives me plenty of time to write, so perhaps it's for the best in the end.

Today has been kind of hard on the Jill front... I've been missing her terribly all morning. Actually, it started last night, at the mall, with Dave, in the bookstore... We saw a copy of Wicked, and I remembered that she was going with him on Saturday (tonight)... Argh, it's infuriating to think about, because I know she'll have a great time, because she wanted to go so much... And I want her to have a great time! I want her to have to time of her life! Just... Not with him. The thought of them together is painful, it fills me with such... Revulsion? Dread? Sadness? A mix of them all, really. And I want to be there, with her, so much, I want to be holding her hand through the play, stealing kisses and enjoying everything immensely... To hold her and love her and... Hell, just to see her would make me just that little more sane, just that little more complete. I console myself with the knowledge that, had I not been away, it would've been me going with her. Given the choice, she would've taken me, and that's the one thing that gives me peace, the one thing that I can use to justify to my friends, to justify to Dave why I'm still doing this... Because, were circumstances different, it would've been me this time, and it will be me next time.

...

Seven hours later.

Give or take an hour, I suppose. We're about to cross the border, and I'm losing the light for writing...

Ha ha, that was awesome! We just crossed the border, here's basically how it went:
"How many people?"
"49"
"Spend more than $500?"
"No"
"Alcohol or Tobacco?"
"Nope"
"Welcome to Canada."

And... The bus appears to have broken down. Cross your fingers... Oh, no, there we go. Yay team.

*Sigh* Well, don't those two look happy over there? I'm vaguely uncomfortable... Hunter is crowding my seat a bit... And other people's happiness is depressing me. I mean, I don't want to be home... Mother yelling, worrying about school, worrying about my relationship with Jill... I don't know, it was like, up there, she was just my girlfriend, all the guys made fun of the fact that I had to email her, it was all in good fun, and I was away, so I couldn't really affect anything... But now, I'm back, and she's still my girlfriend, but now that power is back, and with it all the responsibility, and I have to worry about Josh, whether he knows, whether he ever will, whether I care... It's just like any return from a vacation I guess, return to the stress. I'm okay.

Did you know that we've coined a new term, apparently? It's the "Chris Ross okay", where you say you're okay, but you're really a mess of pain and anguish, but you try to hide it all until you can blog it out.

Speaking of which, Graeme yelled at me about blogging, he told me that I should let it out in the regular way... And I know there are plenty of people who think that, who think my blogging is stupid, who think I'm whining, or want attention, or I shouldn't make it public... Well, you know what? Fuck you. In the nicest way possible. If this is what helps, I'm going to do it, independant of what you think. Let it out in normal ways? Get with the fucking times... This is normal. Or, if it's not, it's becoming normal, and I'm helping it to get there. Like it or not, hate the phrase or don't (I do), the paradigm is shifting... Like it or not, hate the idea or don't (I don't), the internet is taking over, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. I'm going to spread out my pain, independant of what you say or do or think or feel, and if you don't want to take a piece of that for me, then by all means do not, I don't hold it against you, for I neither expect you to, nor know why you would. I would, and I don't really understand why. That's just how it is.

Dave told me that I'm the "other man"... I'm not, right? In my opinion, with the strength of our love, he is... But, I guess I can see now, I realize how stupid that would sound to him. Because we're all the "other man" to someone... It's all a matter of perspective.

Well, enough writing for now... I will admit though, I feel better. Well, a bit better. Besides, tomorrow... Tomorrow, I get to talk to her again, to tell her I love her again, to hear her say it back, and not to stop missing her, never that, but to feel just that little bit better about it. Because that's just what she does, makes me feel that much better.

I love you Jill.

...

I'm home now.

I'm depressed, I wish I was still back on the trip. Dave, man, you don't know how much I enjoyed it... I know there were times when it seemed like I didn't, but honestly, I loved it. Just hanging out with you guys... It was great. Just having you there to talk to, when I needed it, was perfect. Everything I said on the bus, about our friendship, was completely true. I can't really say it in words man, but... Thanks.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm happy. I lost that happiness it seems, that's how it looks... But, look back in my blogs. See all those entries about me being depressed? I'm talking about pre-Jill, hell, pre-Janine, all that shit before? I've always been depressed... And I always haven't been. The problem is, I only ever write when I'm upset, because it's therapy to me. So people reading this get this skewed view of me, of who I am, which is most unfortunate. And I know it seems like I'm unhappy a lot around everyone too, that I'm missing her too often, that I'm too moody... But I've always been like that. The fact is, I get more and more comfortable showing my emotion when more people know about it, about me... Because now I can point to my blogs, without having to tell the story, and say "There, that is why I'm upset, how I feel." And now... I feel comfortable enough to let everything out, to be happy when I feel like it, to be sad when I feel like it. I don't have to bottle things inside anymore, and I refuse to do it... This is my own little rebellion. I'm going to be exactly as moody as I feel like being, and the fact that I can do that around you guys, my friends, is a testament to exactly how much faith I have in you guys, to exactly how much I care about you, and think you care about me. You guys make it so that I don't have to hide anymore... And yeah, there's some good natured teasing, and yeah, I can accept that, and sometimes even take a secret pleasure in it, because now I have a thing, a niche, I'm that kid who will let it all out, who will tell you my life's story, an open book and a closed book all at once... I'm that guy. I'm Chris. And you guys have let me have that. Thanks.

...

I go to bed now. My final thoughts, before I sleep... I wish I was back with my friends. I wish I was back with her. I wish I was anywhere but the dreary, bleak house which I call my home... Welcome to teenage life. But, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow scares me, tomorrow excites me, everything might happen tomorrow, nothing might happen tomorrow. And I won't know until it's already far too late. But, no matter what, there is that one glimmer of hope; tomorrow brings me her.

I love you Jillian.