...As Long As I Know How To Love...

I feel... Strange. I don't know, I don't know what it is, but I feel liberated, empowered... At this moment, I like who I am. And I think I'm starting to remember that that's the most important thing to me... Being comfortable with me, liking the person that I am.

I've forgotten that, in the last little while, I lost sight of that; I did some things, made some decisions that I really wasn't happy with, decisions that I felt, and still feel, reflect on who I am as a person. And I can't take those decisons back, as much as I'd like to... But I can learn from them. In fact, if I don't learn from them, I am doomed to repeat them, repeat my mistakes, and be hurt again and again and again. And I cannot do that.

I compromise. That's who I am, I'm a diplomat, I am concerned with everyone else before myself. But sometimes, sometimes I take that to a dangerous extreme. Compromising shouldn't be painful for me, or it shouldn't be too painful... Because making people feel better brings me such joy. That joy should balance out everything, it should make me feel satisfied in the end, even if I might seem to get the lesser end of the bargain. But... That only works up to a point. Eventually, there comes a time when a decision, a compromise is so painful to me, when I'm really not getting any joy out of it... And yet I make it anyway. And that... That is not something for me to be proud of. I can look at that and say "Yeah, look at me, I'm so good it hurts, I am so willing to do the right thing that I will bring myself to self-loathing, I will bring myself to thoughts of suicide, just so that someone else can be happy." Well, you know what? That's not a good thing. That doesn't make me a good person, a martyr... That makes me an idiot. There is no mincing words... That is just plain stupid. I love to make people happy... But I can't really do that unless I myself am happy, I have no right to give advice, to listen to problems, or to spread any joy, if I am not happy with the person that I am. And I see that now.

And that's why I don't lie anymore. That's why I don't run. Because I recognized that a while ago, and I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, taking a stand for yourself really feels good. So she can feed him whatever he wants to hear, and he can blelieve whatever he wants to believe... And I can't stop that. Nothing I do can stop that. But the fact is, now I see that. I know that I cannot do everything, I am not Superman, I'm just Christopher, and that's all I'll ever be. And if I'm not comfortable being what I am, then what wil become of me? It's a moot point, because I am.

Thank you, to everyone that made me see that... And thank you most of all to Dave. You, my friend, you taught me that I might not be such a bad guy... That in the end, I have many flaws to be sure, but that they are flaws that, in my twisted, strange way, I might actually be a little proud of those flaws. And, even better than that, I have strengths, there are parts of me that are really, really good. Despite my willingness to cause myself so much pain, despite my tendancy to dump it on other people, in spite of my whining and bitching at a situation that is, quite honestly, my own damn fault, I am actually a great guy. And Jill, thank you for showing me that, while there aren't many, there are actually some girls, some amazing, unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true girls, that might actually love me for who I am. Or at least there's one.

I love you.