...Just To Break My Own Fall...

I took my sister to the Santa Clause parade, we walked there and back, and now my extremities are on fire from the cold. I was an hour and a half long (approximately), and I am not a huge fan of parades in general... But, to be honest, it was kind of fun to actually get along with my sister for once. And... The parade wasn't all bad.

I knew Brianne was going to be in it... I don't think she told me, I just kind of knew... I mean, with her skating and all, it made sense. It caught me completely by surprise when I saw her, and my heart actually skipped a beat or two... And I waved, and smiled, and she looked surprised to see me, and then she waved and smiled back... And then she was gone, and I was left sitting there, but wanting to run after her and jump up onto the float myself.

I realized two things when I saw her today... One, I realized that I really like her, a lot. I realized that it's always going to kinda sorta hurt as long as I know that she's with Mark. And two... I realized that I really can't blame her for anything. To be angry at her, deserved or not, would put our friendship in danger, and I would never do that... As long as I have that, I have hope. And frankly, I never expected to be able to sweep her off her feet and forget about him... I mean, frankly, I was always scared that if we ever went out that I'd never be able to live up to his legacy, that I'd always just be filler, that I wouldn't be able to treat her as she deserves to be treated. And I haven't totally given up on thoughts of her and I going out, but the fact is, perhaps it's better this way. Because this is the way that it is...

But not forever.

Music: Regina Spektor -- Fidelity