You Sit Back, You Smile, And This Is What You Hum...

I missed my blogging anniversary. It was on the 27th... It's been a whole year since I started this. If anyone cares to see how all this started, you can head over to my Myspace page... I was reading them over last night, and I was pretty pleased with my writing... I mean, I think I've improved, of course, but I wasn't cringing in shame, so I wasn't doing too bad back then.

I haven't been posting lately, which is for a number of reasons. One, the main reason, is because nothing is really happening in my life right now. The thing is, I only really post when big events are happening in my life or, like now, just to let you guys know that I'm still alive. The thing is, I've had people tell me lately that I seem to only write when I'm sad, and I actually believed this too... But I realized, reading through my old blogs, that that is not exactly true. I've written some very, very happy stuff, when things were going my way. The fact that a lot of the stuff I have been writing lately has been upset and depressed is mainly due to the fact that shit just wasn't going my way lately... I had a break-up, the whole Brianne thing... Of course the stuff I write is going to be depressed. The stuff before that? Well, look at the situation I was in... I had a right to be upset. Now, granted, I could have, and should have changed that situation, because I am a firm believer in taking the blame for anything that you can blame yourself for; that's existentialism for you. But, hey, I'm 17... I don't have all the answers. I don't even know what the questions are!

The thing is, that's the reason you guys never see me happy. When I am just in a regular sad mood, when I'm depressed, I write, because it is cathartic. When I'm in a regular happy mood, which is most of the time, I don't post about it because it is my default emotional state, and it is nothing new. I only really post when I have something to say. I whine and write about sad stuff so that I don't have to whine about it in real life.

Now the thing is, people have called me emo for this blog, and this used to make me angry, because I am most certainly not. Emotional? Yes. Emo? No. And don't even try to tell me that it's the same thing, because we are all aware of the negative connotations that "emo" carries. But, anyway, I used to get angry at this, until I realized that that is partially my fault. I have given you guys a skewed view of me as a person. By posting about this sad stuff all the time, I give the view that I am always sad. This is very untrue, but that's how it seems. So for that, I am sorry... Just realize that, in reading this blog, that you get a picture of me as a person... But it is not the complete picture, by any means.

Jill was talking to me about some relationship problems with Josh the other day, and I actually felt a genuine desire to help her, rather than yell at her and tell her that this was all her fault anyway, as I would have wished to do up until not too long ago. She told me that Josh was trying to change her, and one of those changes was not being friends with me anymore. I told her that you do not try to change the people you love... If you like someone, if you are satisfied with someone, you do not try to change that person. That seems reasonable, right? I mean, we're not going to stop being friends, that's a simple fact... Why quibble about it. Yeah, you know what, I might go down and see her again, and he'll have to live with the fact that he has to trust her for that weekend, on her own. That's how it goes.

It's raining out, I fucking hate the rain... I do not like getting wet. I have to walk to school to get some work done in yearbook... But, that 40 is calling my name too... Oh well, we'll see what happens. I'm not technically on the clock today, so it's my call. Sweet...

Vaya con amor, my friends;

Christopher.

Music: Catch-22 - 1234, 1234