It's Only Me...

You'll excuse me for this, but I don't know what else to do... My rage is threatening to boil over and I keep thumbing the knife on the desk in front of me with the intent to bury it in my chest just so I won't have to look at it anymore. I'm just so... Angry! ARGH! FUCK! I don't know what to do to calm down, I NEVER know what to do to calm down, and I'm hoping that this blog will siphon off some rage as it so often siphons off some of my pain and sorrow.

I had been talking to Jill, which is fine usually, but we started to talk about her parents, and about how they are... somewhat wary about me seeing Jill again. Now, on the one hand, that is understandable... But on the other hand, they can go fuck themselves. I really like her parents, and I was pretty sure they now disliked me, and not because I had done anything wrong, no, simply because I had been the victim of a bad situation, and I guess it's just fucking easier to go with the "winning team" than it is to stick with the guy that was never anything but nice, and polite, and... Ah, fuck. Anyway... What hurt most was thinking that her Dad didn't like me, because I had always thought that her Dad was one of the coolest people around... And we had always got along quite well. Well, Jill didn't want to just let that go, she didn't want me thinking that her Dad didn't like me when he really did, so she went and talked to him about it. Fine, that's the LAST thing I would have wanted her to do, but she was just trying to help. And the verdict? Well, he still likes me, I'm a "good kid", but he sees me as the "other man" now, and thinks that I still want her for sex and whatnot.

Well fuck you! Argh... Who the fuck ever said that I still wanted that, huh? The "other man"? I'm her friend! So fuck you! I'm glad I'm a "good kid", that's just fucking fabulous, but the fact is I'm glad you think so little of me as to assume that's what I'm in this friendship for. And the thing is... Argh, this is not really directed at him, though yeah I am fucking pissed off that he said that about me (and don't fucking call me kid with that connotation... Never call me kid and follow it up with a but. That goes for all of you.), and yeah I am somewhat yelling at him... But moreso I am expressing my rage at the prevailing opinion around here, and I am expressing my anguish at the thought of one more opinion expressed of me being the "other man"...

Because you know what? I am, in too many situations. I have a friend, who says it often, and I would previously get mad at him for it, because despite the truth behind it, it still hurts. But you know what? There is so much truth behind it, and I see that now... And I'm done with it. I am so through with being second in anyone's heart, I am absolutely fucking done with being the "other man"... There was a time when I would never had done something like that, when I would have refused to be the cause of strife in someone else's relationship. And then there came a time when I changed my tune, because I felt that I had no right to tell someone who they could and could not be with... And whether that was through sheer desperation, I don't know, but it was a choice I made willingly, with full knowledge of the consequences. And now... I'm going back, and not through any desire to stop causing strife in people's relationships... Frankly, I would be happy with causing as much strife for him as I possibly could. But now... This is for me. This is so that I feel that I'm no longer second best, so that I no longer have to worry about where I stand in a person's affections, so that I can be completely confident in the future that I really am a guy worth trying to keep.

This is for me.

(Addendum: It worked... That and finding an old piece of writing for me to edit have had an immeasurable calming effect. Yay for words.)