Thought I Knew What Love Was... What Did I Know?

I just got out of the shower, so I am feeling warm and clean and good... I had a blog completely written in my head while I was in there, but I have since then lost it and I have to start from scratch. The words don't quite flow like they used to, but I think I'm still capable of getting this all out. Basically, Jill and I are through. The story is... Nothing new, and that's really a large part of the problem, the fact that this is simply the kind of shit that has always been happening. Basically, to make a long, convoluted story much shorter, she said some extremely mean things to me, apologized, and then proceeded to tell me that the reason she said them was because he had been upset and she wanted to make him happier.

Now this is all yesterday's news, literterally, in that it happened yesterday. And yesterday I would have told you that I was never going to forgive her, never going to speak to her again. Today... I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm still angry as hell at her, for what she's done to me... But even more what she's done to us. I mean... The thing is, I can pretty much forgive her one day, that's a given; I've never been one for holding a grudge, it's just not something that I do. But the thing is... I'm not sure if I can ever look at her the same way again, knowing what she's done, and what she's capable of doing. And it's sad, because that is kind of one of the reasons I'm almost forgiven her... Because she's shown me that she is by no means perfect. And the thing is, I used to think she was, I really did, and perhaps that's my fault for holding her up to such a high standard... But now I've realized, because of this, that she's only human, and I can frankly get by without her. Things would be better with her in the picture, perhaps, or perhaps they would be worse, it's actually hard to say now.

I think I've stopped loving her.

I think, of all the things that have happened, it's strange that this is the thing that would do it. But, no matter how strange it is, the fact is that I'm not sure if I can ever love her like I used to. Which is a damn shame, because there was so much love there, so much... You have to admit it took a lot of damage to kill that. I mean, this is what... Two break-ups, many large slights made against me, countless little ones... You guys could count it better than I could, because I was blind for so long to the bad things that were happening. But now, I can see it all... And they're standing happily right at the centre of that shit-storm. And I wish them all the best... So long as they remember that sure, right now, what you do to other people doesn't seem to matter, because you have each other and that's all you need... But when the day comes when you don't have each other anymore (and that day will come), you will have to own up to everything you've done. And I won't be there waiting to pick you up when you fall... You can get up yourself this time.

So, how does this apply to any of you guys? Well, there are lessons that we all can, and must, learn from this. Remember that the little things will eventually build up to a big thing... And the longer you let those little things build up, the bigger that ball becomes until eventually it is capable of destroying all that you have created. I let the little things build and build and build, and finally there were just too many of them to ignore, and all it took was that one more medium-sized issue to sink the whole damn ship. Another thing I've realized from this is that it it is really actually possible to kill a feeling, to kill that love that someone feels for you... You can actually wrong them enough so that things will never be the same. Always remember that... Forgiveness is not a sure thing.

So it's a day later, and I still feel this way, this anger and this pity and this sadness for what we lost... And I think that means that I'm going to stay like this. I think I should, too, because I think there comes a point when transgressions deserve to be punished.

So basically, I've forgiven her. But I've forgiven her because I don't wish to have that hate in my heart. A very wise woman once told me that "the world is so much better when you're happy", and that I cannot let them weigh me down... I have to just be happy. So, the fact is, I've forgiven her, because they are not worth the extra baggage that it would take to be angry at them. I have forgiven her because she has made it so much easier to move on, now that she has shown me the kinds of things she does... I don't want a girl who would do those things to other people, and I sure as fuck don't want a girl who would do those things to me.

And... My God. I just had the weirdest sensation of having a weight taken off my shoulders. It was so cliched, but I was sitting there, thinking about how this was a weight off my shoulders, and all of a sudden it was... I went from reasonably happy (for a Monday morning) to very, very happy (for a Monday morning). I mean, at first I was afraid... Shit, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without her by my side... But then I spent a single night just thinking how she did me wrong... And I grew strong! I learned how to get along...

I wiiiillllll surrrrrvvvvviiiiivvvvveeeeeee...

She always hated that song...

God I love that song.

Music: Don Henly - The Boys of Summer (acoustic)