Take The Skinheads Bowling...

Well, I'm in a much better mood today, obviously. I won't tell you to ignore all of what I said in that last post. Just... most of it. That's just how I work... Long, long periods where I love myself above all other people, and then a night/day where I thrash and drown in a mixed pool of self-loathing and self-pity. I don't think I'm a bad guy, at all, for what happened. The fact is, I made some mistakes, of course I did... If I did everything perfectly now, at this age, this point in my life, what would be the purpose of the next x number of years? I mean, seriously, mistakes shape us into who we are. Dealing with mistakes, whether gracefully or... well, through my methods, is as important as avoiding those mistakes in the first place.

So, yeah, I did some bad things. But I'm not exactly ashamed of them... because I'm proud of how I dealt with things, I did what I thought was best, and I'm happy with that. I know that not everyone will understand, and some people might think I made the wrong decision, or think less of me for it... but to me, I think it's usually safe to assume that all decisions are made with the best of intentions, for the best, because it's impossible to really, actually know someone's true motives, and I think they're usually benign. We all think we're doing what's best... and I know Maria would say that intentions don't matter for anything, and it's the end result that matters... but I've always disagreed with that. Intentions matter just as much. The nature of life is that decisions made have such a high chance of being screwed up, the end result perverted and mutated into something other than what we wanted. Life does not take into account our intentions, because life does not care one way or another whether we live or die, are happy or sad. But as human beings, we are not so fickle, we are not so callous... we *do* care about each other. So if life has no regard for our intentions, then we should. Because sometimes, when everything goes wrong, the shit hits the fan, and you're standing right in front of it... they're all we have to go on. They're all we have to remind ourselves that everybody fucks up... but no one wants to.

I love rants that I didn't even plan out. I think I had something of a purpose here... oh well, never mind. I'm back to being happy with life, and loving all people... last night, everything in the world just annoyed me, but I think that's gone now. There was some truth in what I said last night... and I wish I wasn't so God damned sensitive all the time, because it's really quite unfair to people. I'll take offense at the littlest, tiniest things... but I'll almost never actually say so. It just kind of festers there until eventually, hopefully, I completely forget about it. But sometimes I don't, and I'm just left with a vague memory of something mean someone said, and that's not good for anyone. I remember the other night, something Rachel said, almost certainly jokingly, that hurt me... and I don't remember what it was, but I do remember it happened, and really, I'd rather just forget and ignore it entirely. Because she almost certainly meant no offense with it... but there's just one little part of my Mind that tells me that maybe, just maybe she did... it's stupid. I'd like to stop. But... what can you do?

Alright, done for now. Lookit that, two updates in two days! Are we beginning to see a trend here? Tune in tomorrow for... wait. I don't owe you people anything. I promise nothing!