Someday We'll Find It...

It's not fucking fair, alright? It's not fucking fair. I was really happy, just... an hour ago, perhaps. Everything was right with the world. It was going to be okay, you know? And in my head, I already had a blog written out. And then... I just hit this fucking wall of emotion, and I'm not even sure what triggered it, but I felt like I wanted to break down. All of a sudden I felt unloved, ignored, lonely... All that shit. With no cause, no cause at all! And worse... it was that numbness, you know? I couldn't feel the love, even though I know it's all there. Amber told me she loved me, like usual, but I couldn't feel a thing, only that sense of wanting to cry, and those vague tuggings of a deeper depression. I knew it to be true, in my mind, and in my heart, but I couldn't feel anything. I guess I'm not completely done with this. It's like... cresting a hill, to realize you've still got a good ride ahead of you. And I'm so up and down, over and over and over, it's times like these when "mood stabilizers" actually sound like a useful thing. I kind of want to see someone about all this, but my told me the other day... We can't afford it. I already have to get a job, the money from which will go directly into the "please don't shut off our fucking phone" fund. *Sigh*. Gah!

Oh, yeah, I've felt angry a lot more often lately too. I don't know if it's this added stress or what, but I have punched more walls in the last little while than in a long, long time.

I will say this though, the remnants of that other blog that I had written in my head... It is nice to know people care, and someone earlier made my day completely by coming out of nowhere and actually, honest-to-God caring, worrying even, about me. And that immediately made me feel about ten times better about myself. Sometimes... people are just really, really cool. So, thank you.

And now... I need to go to bed.