...Honesty As Popular As A Plague...

Today has been... Strange.

I was really hyper all day, with one exception (just before I went to Writer's Craft to do my Drama test), and I had what was, for all intents and purposes, an excellent day.

Then I came home, feeling pretty good. And then, I cried.

It was strange... I guess I finally opened back up, I'd been numb for a while... It's hard to explain, but... For the couple days previous to this, whenever I would think back on Jill and I, all our great memories, I would feel... Well, not nothing, but not exactly what I expected to either. It was just sort of a "Yeah, that was nice. Ah... Good times." It just wasn't... Affecting me. At all. It scared the hell out of me, to be honest.

But today... Today, for better or for worse, I got the feeling back. I thought about all the amazing times we had, and all the amazing times we still should be having, the times that are now ruined by our breakup, and I wept. That's right, not cried, but wept.

Jill asked me if I wanted to make a "clean break". She told me it would hurt her very deeply, but if it was what I wanted, we could do it. I told her that, in my opinion, there is no such thing as a clean break; that break would be messier than anything. People will tell me that I'm being an idiot, that this can only lead to more pain, but the bare fact is... I still love her, and she still loves me. She's just too far away for this to work, because we are too young for that shit... 2 hours is far too many. But she may not always be so far... Toronto is close enough, isn't it? She wanted me to tell her that there is still a chance, still an opportunity for us, once she is closer. I refused to tell her that, for a number of reasons... Because I don't want to be the backup guy, because I'm really not sure what will be going on by then... But the truth of the matter is, I wanted to say yes, so much... Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that the answer is yes.

This is not over. I've come to realize, through Brianne, through Danielle, that once I like somebody, and I mean really like them, they never really leave my heart. Once I love someone, I will love them forever, for better or for worse, and that's just how it is. Sometimes those feelings change slightly, to be sure, but at the core of them is still that burning love that I am truly capable of... Everyone gets a piece of that love, but some much more than others. And Jill... Jill is as far away from an exception as you can get. I don't know how to think of Jill as anything but that girl that I love so deeply... That's why it scares me to think of seeing her again, because I don't know if I can adjust, and I don't know if I want to, and I really don't know if we will. It's kind of an all-or-nothing thing with us, or so it feels to me... Either we are going to meet as friends and it will tear me apart for the loss of that feeling, or we will meet and slip back into those old habits. I mean... She wants there to be another opporunity. I want there to be another opportunity... But the thing is, I cannot temper the flames of emotion that I feel for her, I cannot control them... Either they die, or they burn hot. I'm not sure if I can just turn them on or off... We could try, but do we want to risk that? What if I can never get that feeling back? What if simply trying burns me again?

For better, or for worse, this is not over. Nothing lasts forever; not even nothing lasts forever.