...I Know It's Gonna Be Alright; Someway, Somehow tonight...

I just got back from the STD's show.

My head pounds. My chest burns. My throat hurts. My body aches. My stomach's sick.

It was the best show I've ever been to.

There were five bands... I think. I don't quite remember, all I know is that I was skanking for all the bands except one, a good amount of each set. I didn't stop at all for the STD's, and the whole time I was either skanking with everyone else or holding down the middle, dancing like a fool, keeping the poor little kids who needed a break from getting crushed.

Speaking of little kids, we were like the oldest kids there... Everyone else was just so young! Plus, I swear, I saw approximately 3 people who were not wearing black, not counting our group. Kevin wore a white Cannington shirt, Alex wore a red cowboy type shirt, and I wore that orange Moroccan shirt that Jill always hated so much, yet remains my favourite of all the clothes I own. I wore my black fedora too, and my bowling shoes, which proved absolutely perfect for my style of skanking. I love them.

Plus, True Trout played Gay Rude Boys Unite, and Sink Florida Sink, which was absolutely awesome. Thennnnnn, the STD's played Santeria! Plus, they played all my favourite songs, making for one crrrraaaaazzzzyyyy night. It was... The best night I've had since... Well, since the last time I saw Jill, to be honest.

I miss her. I miss her terribly. I know that, in my heart and in my mind, I still love her. Despite what she did to me, despite what she let happen, and despite the final result of all my greatest efforts, I still love her.

I've realized now... It was the distance. I know you all thought that I changed once I started going out with her... I ceased to be the fun-loving, free-spirited, irascible little scamp you all knew and loved. It's true. And you all thought that it was Jill that did it to me. And that... Could not be farther from the truth.

It wasn't her. I always knew that it couldn't have been her, because she made me so happy, she brought out the best in me... So how could it be that she also managed to squash that "best" so often? Simple; she didn't. It was never her... it was the distance between us. I was always pining for her, always wanting to be close to her, because that is who I am... I am needy, I am touchy, I need to be able to hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and all those good things. Sure, the distance thing might have worked, I know I could've made it work... But I would've remained the shell that I was. And now, I can tell you guys honestly and impartially, that that was never her fault.

The future scares me. I don't know what I'm going to do without her... I know that I'll survive, I will come out of the fire stronger than I was before, but I have no idea how. I don't want to be alone... I want someone to hold and to care for, to do things for, to love. I liked the feeling of being a boyfriend, and as I stated before, I was damn good at it. I want to go back to it... But I was alone for so long here, in this little town, and I'm not sure if that's going to change this time around. All I can do is hope.

So Jill... I miss you. I love you. I know you love me too, and always did. Nothing, no distance, will change that. We may not be able to show our love as we once used to, but we are both stronger simply for having that love. Thank you, for everything you did. Sorry for everything I couldn't do. I know now that I did indeed have the time of my life.

I can see those dark clouds of depression on the horizon... Loneliness and sadness threaten to overtake me, not now, but eventually. I know that I will have to go through that again...

My only recourse is to keep on dancing.

Never stop dancing.