...The Disco Before The Breakdown...

I am many things. I am drunk, I am broken, I am angry, I am upset. I am lost, I am confused. I am alone.

It happened last night, I think everybody except me was waiting for it, including her. I was optimistic right until the end.

"This situation isn't good."

"No, it's not."

"I need to know honestly... If I was to give you the choice, right now, between me and him, who would you pick?"

"Him. I'm sorry."

...

That was the end. She tried to make me feel better for the rest of the conversation, and I tried to hold it together until I got off the phone with her. It wasn't until the end... I knew, that when I hung up, that it was goodbye for a while. I knew, that when I hung up, that things would never again be the same. I broke down before I had the chance to catch myself.

Dave made it better though... We went out bowling, and he and Brianne made me remember that I was maybe possibly going to make it through this... If I could be with them all the time, this wouldn't be nearly as hard.

I learned so much from this experience, and I think you guys deserve for me to impart those lessons upon you... But right now, in the throes of my depression, I only remember one lesson: The asshole gets the girl. Nice guys finish last. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch-black. Life has been trying to teach me these things for 17 years, and I think maybe I'm just starting to understand now.

There's so much I want to say to her, so much I want her to know... I want her to know exactly how much I loved her. I want her to know what she threw away, and that she'll never have that again. I want her to know that their relationship will never be the same... I want her to know that I hope she sees me... When she's kissing him, she'll think of me, if only for a fleeting moment. Every time they're having fun, she'll think, just for a moment, that things would be so much better if it was me sharing it with her, rather than him. Every time he does something horrible to her, something mean to her as he seems so fond of doing, she might, just for a moment, remember that I never, ever would have done that to her, that I would have always treated her just as she deserved... Like a queen. In the deepest, darkest, angriest recesses of my mind, I hope that forever this choice will leave a bitter taste in her mouth, in her heart. I hope she remembers me, now and forever.

I... I want her to hurt, to know what she's done, to know what this has done to me, to know that I will never, ever be the same.

But most of all, I want her to know that I love her. I thought I'd stopped, maybe, but now... I know that this is for the best, and I have no regrets, except that I wish she could've seen what she meant to me. I know this is right... But I still love her.

I'm pretty angry at the world right now... Angry at the world, at her, and most of all at myself. I just wish... I just wish I knew exactly what he had that I didn't. The distance thing? We would've made that work, Jill. There is... Something else. I can reconcile myself with one fact: He never "won". I lost. And there is a big, big difference there.

There is one other thing I take from this. I was never sure before, I was untested, and I always had the feeling, but I was so scared that I would be wrong... But, and I can say this with no hint of arrogance, in the end... I made a damn good boyfriend.

And now... Where do I go from here? If I live through the night, I think things will get better tomorrow. I don't want to be alone, and I see those dark clouds on the horizon... The looming depression, the old foe that I once had, back to the basics of being me. But those are secondary concerns... Right now, I want to die. I won't die, unless I make an active effort at it, so I think I'm safe.

I'm going for a walk now, I'm already starting to get that headache... And I know what it means. And one day... I'll be able to tell you guys that I'm okay. Just... Not right now.