...And I'll Be Homeward Bound Again...

(I'm not sure how this is going to come out... My computer appears to have made the decision to implode while I was gone, and now will not remove itself from 16 colours at 640x480 resolution. Translation? I can't see a bloody thing. *Sigh* This is not what I need right now. Oh well, to the blog!)

We're on our way home now, we just finished our lunch stop (at Burger King, of all places), and we are now homeward bound once more. Dave just switched seats with Hunter so that he could sit with Brianne, and I am now left with no one to talk to and joke around with... But, it gives me plenty of time to write, so perhaps it's for the best in the end.

Today has been kind of hard on the Jill front... I've been missing her terribly all morning. Actually, it started last night, at the mall, with Dave, in the bookstore... We saw a copy of Wicked, and I remembered that she was going with him on Saturday (tonight)... Argh, it's infuriating to think about, because I know she'll have a great time, because she wanted to go so much... And I want her to have a great time! I want her to have to time of her life! Just... Not with him. The thought of them together is painful, it fills me with such... Revulsion? Dread? Sadness? A mix of them all, really. And I want to be there, with her, so much, I want to be holding her hand through the play, stealing kisses and enjoying everything immensely... To hold her and love her and... Hell, just to see her would make me just that little more sane, just that little more complete. I console myself with the knowledge that, had I not been away, it would've been me going with her. Given the choice, she would've taken me, and that's the one thing that gives me peace, the one thing that I can use to justify to my friends, to justify to Dave why I'm still doing this... Because, were circumstances different, it would've been me this time, and it will be me next time.

...

Seven hours later.

Give or take an hour, I suppose. We're about to cross the border, and I'm losing the light for writing...

Ha ha, that was awesome! We just crossed the border, here's basically how it went:
"How many people?"
"49"
"Spend more than $500?"
"No"
"Alcohol or Tobacco?"
"Nope"
"Welcome to Canada."

And... The bus appears to have broken down. Cross your fingers... Oh, no, there we go. Yay team.

*Sigh* Well, don't those two look happy over there? I'm vaguely uncomfortable... Hunter is crowding my seat a bit... And other people's happiness is depressing me. I mean, I don't want to be home... Mother yelling, worrying about school, worrying about my relationship with Jill... I don't know, it was like, up there, she was just my girlfriend, all the guys made fun of the fact that I had to email her, it was all in good fun, and I was away, so I couldn't really affect anything... But now, I'm back, and she's still my girlfriend, but now that power is back, and with it all the responsibility, and I have to worry about Josh, whether he knows, whether he ever will, whether I care... It's just like any return from a vacation I guess, return to the stress. I'm okay.

Did you know that we've coined a new term, apparently? It's the "Chris Ross okay", where you say you're okay, but you're really a mess of pain and anguish, but you try to hide it all until you can blog it out.

Speaking of which, Graeme yelled at me about blogging, he told me that I should let it out in the regular way... And I know there are plenty of people who think that, who think my blogging is stupid, who think I'm whining, or want attention, or I shouldn't make it public... Well, you know what? Fuck you. In the nicest way possible. If this is what helps, I'm going to do it, independant of what you think. Let it out in normal ways? Get with the fucking times... This is normal. Or, if it's not, it's becoming normal, and I'm helping it to get there. Like it or not, hate the phrase or don't (I do), the paradigm is shifting... Like it or not, hate the idea or don't (I don't), the internet is taking over, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. I'm going to spread out my pain, independant of what you say or do or think or feel, and if you don't want to take a piece of that for me, then by all means do not, I don't hold it against you, for I neither expect you to, nor know why you would. I would, and I don't really understand why. That's just how it is.

Dave told me that I'm the "other man"... I'm not, right? In my opinion, with the strength of our love, he is... But, I guess I can see now, I realize how stupid that would sound to him. Because we're all the "other man" to someone... It's all a matter of perspective.

Well, enough writing for now... I will admit though, I feel better. Well, a bit better. Besides, tomorrow... Tomorrow, I get to talk to her again, to tell her I love her again, to hear her say it back, and not to stop missing her, never that, but to feel just that little bit better about it. Because that's just what she does, makes me feel that much better.

I love you Jill.

...

I'm home now.

I'm depressed, I wish I was still back on the trip. Dave, man, you don't know how much I enjoyed it... I know there were times when it seemed like I didn't, but honestly, I loved it. Just hanging out with you guys... It was great. Just having you there to talk to, when I needed it, was perfect. Everything I said on the bus, about our friendship, was completely true. I can't really say it in words man, but... Thanks.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm happy. I lost that happiness it seems, that's how it looks... But, look back in my blogs. See all those entries about me being depressed? I'm talking about pre-Jill, hell, pre-Janine, all that shit before? I've always been depressed... And I always haven't been. The problem is, I only ever write when I'm upset, because it's therapy to me. So people reading this get this skewed view of me, of who I am, which is most unfortunate. And I know it seems like I'm unhappy a lot around everyone too, that I'm missing her too often, that I'm too moody... But I've always been like that. The fact is, I get more and more comfortable showing my emotion when more people know about it, about me... Because now I can point to my blogs, without having to tell the story, and say "There, that is why I'm upset, how I feel." And now... I feel comfortable enough to let everything out, to be happy when I feel like it, to be sad when I feel like it. I don't have to bottle things inside anymore, and I refuse to do it... This is my own little rebellion. I'm going to be exactly as moody as I feel like being, and the fact that I can do that around you guys, my friends, is a testament to exactly how much faith I have in you guys, to exactly how much I care about you, and think you care about me. You guys make it so that I don't have to hide anymore... And yeah, there's some good natured teasing, and yeah, I can accept that, and sometimes even take a secret pleasure in it, because now I have a thing, a niche, I'm that kid who will let it all out, who will tell you my life's story, an open book and a closed book all at once... I'm that guy. I'm Chris. And you guys have let me have that. Thanks.

...

I go to bed now. My final thoughts, before I sleep... I wish I was back with my friends. I wish I was back with her. I wish I was anywhere but the dreary, bleak house which I call my home... Welcome to teenage life. But, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow scares me, tomorrow excites me, everything might happen tomorrow, nothing might happen tomorrow. And I won't know until it's already far too late. But, no matter what, there is that one glimmer of hope; tomorrow brings me her.

I love you Jillian.