Someday We'll Find It...

It's not fucking fair, alright? It's not fucking fair. I was really happy, just... an hour ago, perhaps. Everything was right with the world. It was going to be okay, you know? And in my head, I already had a blog written out. And then... I just hit this fucking wall of emotion, and I'm not even sure what triggered it, but I felt like I wanted to break down. All of a sudden I felt unloved, ignored, lonely... All that shit. With no cause, no cause at all! And worse... it was that numbness, you know? I couldn't feel the love, even though I know it's all there. Amber told me she loved me, like usual, but I couldn't feel a thing, only that sense of wanting to cry, and those vague tuggings of a deeper depression. I knew it to be true, in my mind, and in my heart, but I couldn't feel anything. I guess I'm not completely done with this. It's like... cresting a hill, to realize you've still got a good ride ahead of you. And I'm so up and down, over and over and over, it's times like these when "mood stabilizers" actually sound like a useful thing. I kind of want to see someone about all this, but my told me the other day... We can't afford it. I already have to get a job, the money from which will go directly into the "please don't shut off our fucking phone" fund. *Sigh*. Gah!

Oh, yeah, I've felt angry a lot more often lately too. I don't know if it's this added stress or what, but I have punched more walls in the last little while than in a long, long time.

I will say this though, the remnants of that other blog that I had written in my head... It is nice to know people care, and someone earlier made my day completely by coming out of nowhere and actually, honest-to-God caring, worrying even, about me. And that immediately made me feel about ten times better about myself. Sometimes... people are just really, really cool. So, thank you.

And now... I need to go to bed.

There's Nothing Out There...

I'm at the point where I don't like talking about this stuff because I hate sounding like a broken record. It's just... Jeeze. I'm even getting worried about myself now, you know? It's like... All these people love me, you know, and I know that... but it doesn't heal me, it doesn't make me feel better. It's like I can't feel it. What does that mean? Why hasn't this gone away yet? I always felt things so intensely, but it was always a cycle thing, you know? It was quick, it was disorienting, it was hard to deal with... but I got used to it, right? I had this terrible vision, laying on the couch... Of what if this was how it was going to end? It was like... a supernova. A boy, who felt things so intensely, until eventually he burned out. And he wasn't the same. And he was me, obviously. It seems stupid, but at the same time... what do I know of life? How do I know that that doesn't happen? If this goes on for much longer... I'm going to need a professional. I mean that too. But right now... I actually just need someone to hold me, for a while, and I need to cry all this out. So far, I know people love me, but I seem too far away from that. I need it right beside me, and maybe then, I'll feel it too.

Everyone, but especially Dave... Listen to "Little Birds" by Neutral Milk Hotel... Or, Jeff Mangum, rather. Read the story behind it, and then listen to it... Thanks to Dave letting me rip their CD, I've really gotten into them, and this song... My God. It's actually too intense emotionally for me right now.

Oh wow. Oh, wow. This is really bad, guys. I don't remember ever, ever having an emotional mix like this. I really, really, actually, honest-to-God, this isn't just me being cliched and crying for attention, hate my family, my life, and... okay, those two things, at the moment. I told them that too, just now. I have actually had an unbelievably bad run of luck in the last few days, and pile that on top of the fact that I've already been going through the worst bout of depression I can remember... I mean, this shit never lasts this long for me. It's been like two weeks. And, usually, I get depressed, but then a lot of the time when I'm depressed it's like an undercurrent, you know, but on the surface I can maintain an aura of happiness, because on the surface, I really am happy, you know? But today, walking by myself, downtown... I couldn't believe it, there was no happiness. I caught my reflection in a passing window and was forced to ask what had happened, what's happened to me? This is bad, guys, I'm actually at the point where I don't know what to do, it's not one of those "sleep it off, tomorrow is a new day sort of things", it's at the point where I can't do this myself anymore, I really almost want to ask for help, and I mean real help, but... I think I can last a little while longer, and try to salvage this myself. I cut myself, a little while ago, I alluded to it in one of my blogs, and I can't say it felt good, but for a moment I almost understood why those kids did it, you know? And a few minutes ago, I was just so overwhelmed, I almost did it again, right in front of my Mom, just so that she'd understand. Holy shit, that's not something I admit, let alone something I do, right? That is completely not me. I can't figure out if I should just erase that sentence and act like it never happened, like before, but... I've always been one for full disclosure. Won't happen again though, I don't think. But I'm at the end of my rope, I've tied my knot, I'm hangin' on, but I'm getting tired. I want to actually sleep, right now, I'm pretty tired, I took some night-time sinus medication, I should rest. Goodnight.

Say Goognight and Go...

I left drama night because I was so upset, all my Melba Toast is gone and I just realized it, I have heartburn that is so bad it seems to be digging a hole in my chest, my favourite girl in the world is not here to help me with my problems, and on top of it all, I have to retype every word in this blog 3 or 4 times before it makes any sense at all. I'm not having a good go of things at the moment, to be honest.

I had a great time earlier this evening, Kevin and I bought the most massive bottle of wine, and drank the entire thing... Seriously, we bought like a 60 of wine and drank it all. I am having such a hard time typing. We talked about shit, and I rarely feel closer to anyone than I do when I'm drunk with Kevin. We're... urgh, I can't even explain it, but we're really, really close, and especially when we drink.

And then we went to drama night together, and Dave had some really funny jokes at improv, and I had a good time. But... it slowly built up the whole time, and by the time improv was done, I just felt so lonely and depressed that I told Kev I was going to the washroom, then gathered my stuff from my locker and walked home.

I feel so much like that line from "We Used to Vacation" by The Cold War Kids... I want to listen to it, hold on... "But at the meetings I felt so empty..." And it's not just what he says, it's how he sings it... And I did, I felt so empty, I just couldn't sit there anymore, surrounded by people who did know what was going on...

There was a girl there, a girl I really, really like, and just seeing her made me upset too, because it seemed like she was just so... I don't know. It seemed like I could never approach her, like she was this girl that was just so out of my league...

My mind has not yet fixed itself, and this worries me. I'm sure it will happen...

I need a shower. I'm so drunk, and upset... I just wanted to cause myself some pain, I just... I don't know. I can't believe I left Kevin there. I hope he doesn't worry. I'm surprised at how well
I know the keyboard.

I'm lonely...

What If You Knew Her And...

I don't even know how to comment on the Virginia shootings... It's just that feeling, you know, of "what the fuck am I doing sitting here? kids are dying, man, kids are dying and I can't do a God damned thing." It's that feeling of powerlessness. Ohio by CSNY keeps running through my head, and I want to immortalize them in a poem, in a song, in something. But my creative juices have felt dry for so long. It reminds me of that amazing poem 110 Stories, about 9/11, and little snippets of news and things keeps running though my head, and I don't know why, but the one thing that keeps looping over and over and over is the one line, "they're saying the shooter killed himself." I want more information, I want to know what was wrong with him, because I don't want to hate him for what he did. The methodical... my God, I was always so thankful that no one had ever done it... like that... but then he did. And I keep telling myself, "my God, we have to do something"... But what can I do? What can we do?

It Takes More Than This To Make Sense Of The Day...

It's weird... I was just in this hyper, crazy high, both emotionally and physically, and it was awesome, I felt back to my old self again. And then... bam, I just crashed, not physically (because I'm posting a blog at 3 in the morning), but emotionally... I just took a complete fucking nose dive. I don't even really know what triggered it... I mean, I kind of do, but not really. I'm still just... depressed. And, as someone said today (about themselves, but it applies) lonely, and empty. I do feel empty... And it's great when I'm out with friends, distracted, and even at school, most of the time, I'm okay around people... but at home, it always comes back. And it's probably been like two weeks now... it's starting to get bad. I don't like this much at all. Someone told me today that I had seemed "off" lately, which as weird because I thought I was hiding it well, other than here, and then Amber agreed that I was a little off, and hell, I agree too. I gotta snap out of this. Can't think straight at 3 in the fucking morning though. Gotta get to bed...

And That's The Very Thing When You're Dealing With Me...

I've already started to get a hangover headache... So tonight is a good night for blogging. It has been... God, how do you even describe it? I want to say "it's been a shitty night", but there are so many ranges of shitty that that just doesn't do it justice. I mean, really shitty? Amazingly shitty? Impressively shitty? Ah, why quibble of small details. It's been a bad night, alright?

It's been a bad last little while, actually. Whenever I haven't been at school, except for a few notable exceptions, I've been really depressed about women lately. Just... It's one of those times when it seems like everyone has got someone but me, you know? It's just been one of those times. So, I've been pretty fucking down for like a week and a half. And tonight has just been like the crowning of all that, the confirmation that I'm not altogether completely crazy. I was at the bar with Tom, I ended up walking him home, I got home myself, started feeling down pretty fucking quickly, plus I was drunk... The first time I started to cry was when I got up to get some chocolate to make me feel better and I fell down, and out of just pure frustration I burst into tears, like a little fucking kid... I didn't really have a good cry though. I dragged myself back onto the couch, and sat down, and kept talking on MSN... And I was just feeling about as low as I could go, you know? So I made a gamble, a last-ditch attempt at wringing some good cheer out of the evening, in a completely unfair way... I asked Amber, if we lived closer, would we date?

And she said no, she didn't think so. She was really, really nice about it. She didn't even have to tell me the truth either, I mean I live so far away, it wouldn't really have mattered if she lied... But she told me the truth anyway, and holy Jesus fucking Christ, did it ever hurt. I was drunk, and so completely and totally fucking just overwhelmed by emotion, I did something completely stupid and uncharacteristic of me, and I'm not ashamed at all, because of the sheer enormity of what I felt. I mean, I had a fairly fucking big crush on her, right? I talk about her more than I talk about any other girl, and for good reason. She is so different, and so much better than most other girls I have ever met... And I haven't even seen her in... well, it's been many months. But anyway... I mean, she still loves me, and in fact she says she adores me, but she doesn't see things in that way... And, I mean, she's so incredible, she actually almost managed to do it without me feeling as though I was being essentially completely rejected.

But... not completely. It brought up the classic questions, "what's wrong with me", "what aren't I doing right", the normal shit. That's bad enough. Plus I was really angry at myself for being so ridiculously stupid in asking, to take such a risk with a friendship that is more dear to me than almost any other. I mean, what if I'm still thinking about this in a week, when I talk to her, and it makes me upset then too? It was really an incredibly stupid move. But it's done.

So tonight was pretty fucking rough. I haven't felt a grievous injury like that in a good, long while. It was such that I didn't even manage to get a good cry out of it, just some sporadic breaks, at the most ridiculous times too. In Ole Black 'n' Blue Eyes by the Fratellis, there was one lyric, sung in such a way... Or when Rebellion (Lies) by Arcade Fire came on, and I tried to sing to it, but my voice kept breaking, and the sound of that made me break down... Or just the way I threw down the dish towel in such a defeated way... Ergh. Bad shit.

So I hurt, physically, and emotionally, and I have an incredible headache now... I don't think I'm going to the morning tomorrow. I'll definitely be there for the afternoon though.

So... I need to sum things up for myself. I don't know if I talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Ummm... depressed, stupid question, nothing is Amber's fault, Amber is wonderful, Amber doesn't feel that way, grievous emotional injury that will take a while to heal, not going to school in the morning...

I think I'm taking a break from the internet. I think it's starting now. I can't decide if this will help my depression or make it worse. No internet for a while though, right? Well, no MSN, and probably not emails. No LJ. A few days in the least, a week optimally, more if necessary. I think that's all I wanted to cover. I should stop getting drunk on weekdays. I think it might happen more though. Free beer is always hard to turn down. We'll see though... I'm thinking about not coming out of my room and shutting myself up in there for days on end and losing weight and being tragic and having everyone worry about me. I mean, it won't happen, I don't have the patience, but it's an entertaining thought.

Anyway, I'm going to go sob into my blankets and drift off to sleep. That was supposed to sound overwrought and emo, yes, with just a hint of truth. Plllleeeeaaasssseeee let it be the sleep part.

Ciao.

Take The Skinheads Bowling...

Well, I'm in a much better mood today, obviously. I won't tell you to ignore all of what I said in that last post. Just... most of it. That's just how I work... Long, long periods where I love myself above all other people, and then a night/day where I thrash and drown in a mixed pool of self-loathing and self-pity. I don't think I'm a bad guy, at all, for what happened. The fact is, I made some mistakes, of course I did... If I did everything perfectly now, at this age, this point in my life, what would be the purpose of the next x number of years? I mean, seriously, mistakes shape us into who we are. Dealing with mistakes, whether gracefully or... well, through my methods, is as important as avoiding those mistakes in the first place.

So, yeah, I did some bad things. But I'm not exactly ashamed of them... because I'm proud of how I dealt with things, I did what I thought was best, and I'm happy with that. I know that not everyone will understand, and some people might think I made the wrong decision, or think less of me for it... but to me, I think it's usually safe to assume that all decisions are made with the best of intentions, for the best, because it's impossible to really, actually know someone's true motives, and I think they're usually benign. We all think we're doing what's best... and I know Maria would say that intentions don't matter for anything, and it's the end result that matters... but I've always disagreed with that. Intentions matter just as much. The nature of life is that decisions made have such a high chance of being screwed up, the end result perverted and mutated into something other than what we wanted. Life does not take into account our intentions, because life does not care one way or another whether we live or die, are happy or sad. But as human beings, we are not so fickle, we are not so callous... we *do* care about each other. So if life has no regard for our intentions, then we should. Because sometimes, when everything goes wrong, the shit hits the fan, and you're standing right in front of it... they're all we have to go on. They're all we have to remind ourselves that everybody fucks up... but no one wants to.

I love rants that I didn't even plan out. I think I had something of a purpose here... oh well, never mind. I'm back to being happy with life, and loving all people... last night, everything in the world just annoyed me, but I think that's gone now. There was some truth in what I said last night... and I wish I wasn't so God damned sensitive all the time, because it's really quite unfair to people. I'll take offense at the littlest, tiniest things... but I'll almost never actually say so. It just kind of festers there until eventually, hopefully, I completely forget about it. But sometimes I don't, and I'm just left with a vague memory of something mean someone said, and that's not good for anyone. I remember the other night, something Rachel said, almost certainly jokingly, that hurt me... and I don't remember what it was, but I do remember it happened, and really, I'd rather just forget and ignore it entirely. Because she almost certainly meant no offense with it... but there's just one little part of my Mind that tells me that maybe, just maybe she did... it's stupid. I'd like to stop. But... what can you do?

Alright, done for now. Lookit that, two updates in two days! Are we beginning to see a trend here? Tune in tomorrow for... wait. I don't owe you people anything. I promise nothing!