A Mi Manera...

Hm, you know, it's weird... I wanted to write a blog, I've been wanting to write one for a day or two, but I just couldn't seem to get the motivation to do it... I don't know, I've just been in such a good mood lately, my ups seem more up and my downs less down, and I kind of think that that's why I haven't felt like writing. But now... Well, I've kind of been put into a slightly bad mood, a slightly sad state, and it's strange because it's really due to one person accidentally exploiting a strange weakness of mine... And they never could have known, and they certainly never would have done it had they known, because they are one of the sweetest, nicest people that I know... Which is why it hurt all the more. I won't say who it was, because I love them too much, and I certainly won't explain the problem, because... Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed by it. Yes, I was wrong... I guess I do still get embarrassed occasionally.

Now, over to other news... Jill and I. Sometimes the extent to which my emotions and feelings can jerk me around astounds even me, despite their penchant for doing this all my life. I completely forgave her, basically... I'm back to telling her I love her, and I'm back to meaning it completely. The thought that I might have stopped loving her, that that emotion had been killed, was so scary to me... I did not see myself as the kind of guy who would be able to lose that. And apparently... I'm not. I still hold her completely responsible for what she did, but the fact is, I can understand it now too. And I think that if she learned any lesson from it, if I had any part in making her into a better person because of it, then it was all completely worth it.

She reminded me how much I love existentialism, and how much I love egalitarianism... How much I believe in being completely responsible for your actions, how much I believe that we create who we are with every choice that we make, that no one can do it for us... How we can blame no one for the faults within us, how we can only blame ourselves; and yet, blame is not exactly the right word. Blame is so useless... It's recognition that we must have, and from recognition we can bring about change, because everything about us can be changed, the power of the mind can overcome almost any obstacle... You don't like something about yourself? Too timid, too shy, too submissive, too overbearing, too angry, too lazy, too... long winded? Then change it! I cannot blame my parents for the fact that I am lazy... Despite the fact that they never instilled within me a sense of work ethic, by the sheer recognition of that fact I have only myself to blame for that lack of work ethic. She reminded me of how I believe so firmly in equality, across all barriers of sex, race, religion, social background... Everything. How everyone has the potential for such good within them, such good... And such evil as well.

Remember, we create ourselves every second of every minute of every day... Every choice we make tells us who we are; nothing can be taken back, but everything can be made better... Or made worse. No one is a bad person unless they choose to be... And we all must accept responsibility for the total freedom that we have across all spectrum's. We are "condemned to be free", as Sartre once said, and it is this total freedom that scares us into deluding ourselves that we have limits, that there are laws and codes and barriers that impede us from acting freely. And these barriers are not necessarily bad things... I am a pacifist, and that is a barrier that I have created for myself, because it is what I think is right. I accept responsibility for that fact, just as I realize that I could easily break past it, and accept responsibility for that as well.

Urgh, okay, time to get down off my soapbox and go eat supper. What shall I have for supper? Well you see, I am ultimately free to choose whatever I wish for supper, but I must accept responsibility for my cho...

Just kidding.

Music: The Gipsy Kings - A Mi Manera