Do They Know It's Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

It is indeed Christmas... As I start into this, it's 12:41, I'm sitting in the living room, surrounded by Christmas toys, watching my Mother pull out present after present after present, laying them them on the couch again and again (unwrapped, we have this somewhat strange tradition where "Santa's" presents go on the couch or chair, unwrapped; some sort of shrine to the Gods of consumerism, that's my best guess). Mom maxed out her credit card and is flat broke, as every year... I'm vaguely worried about our money situation in the coming months, but only vaguely, because this is par for the course year after year. In all honesty, the amount of stuff that surrounds me, here and under the tree, is scary. Almost all of it is for the girls, which doesn't bother me in the slightest... Actually, I did really good this year, present buying-wise. Case in point: generally, I spend a total of $10 on my sisters. That's all together. This year, I managed to spend $20 each on them (actually, $24 for Kate's I think.) Mom got something worth $59, and I'm pretty sure Dad clocked in at around $30-40. All in all, I spent almost exactly $150, and I even dipped into the $100 that Dad gave me for Christmas in order to do it (by dipped into, I mean I cut it in half, using $50.) For a guy that generally has a budget of about $20-30 for everything, that is not half bad at all. I am pleased.

There's not much for me under that tree, but that really doesn't bother me... I know that I'm getting my camera, just not until... Well, Mom said "not until later", which I'm hoping means mid-January, like my laptop. Considering it's going to be between $500 and $1000, I can certainly accept receiving it late. I plan to carry it everywhere... Between that and my laptop, I am going to be a walking shrine to the Gods of technology; 21st century digital boy indeed (though, Mr. Graffin, I know plenty, thank-you-very-much.)

Hmmm... There's a problem, something I've been mulling over for... Well, for the last little while. It's intensified recently though. See, my mind, it likes to envision the worst-case scenario. Which is fine, fairly normal... But it doesn't do anything to prepare for it or anything. It goes "Hm, let's see how much I can make you hurt... Okay, okay, good... Is that it? Alright, what if we... Oh, you're crying now? Already? But, how about... Goooood..." He's an evil son of a bitch, he is. Then, after I've done this, I go "Alright... Cool," and leave it alone for a while. Then I go back to it after an indeterminate amount of time, and we start our vicious little cycle again.

Basically, I'll be fine, as long as I keep my mind off it... Then, every so often, I start to think about it, and I get confused, and scared, and depressed, and so very worried about the future... And then I think "Hey, it's not happening yet!", and I go back to being okay. Part of the problem is that I've decided to keep silent about this for a while... Though for once this is entirely my own choice. I haven't quite got it straight yet in my own head, and even when I do, I probably won't talk about it here. Well, I might, it depends on my mood at the time. I'll definitely talk about it to certain people, because while I can keep secrets about other people like I'm Fort fucking Knox, I cannot keep a secret about myself if my life (social or otherwise) depended on it. I much prefer things to be out in the open... Or, if not out in the open, then at least out there, for some people to know, so I'm not holding it all inside.

Christmas time always depresses me a bit. By a bit, I mean, sometimes it's a bit, and sometimes it's nothing, and sometimes it's a whole hell of a lot. I feel kind of alone, just like I did last year, except this year I've had a taste of the good life, and have again been relegated to the realm of the lonely. There are times when I really, really wish that I was back with Jill, just so that I would have someone to hold on to and to love... And there are times when I curl my lip into a snarl of defiance, furrow my brow, look up at the world, and say "You know what? I can be fucking happy on my own just fine!" And there are times when I'm not even lying.

It's good that I got this all out now... I feel a bit more at peace with everything. I'm hoping to fall asleep soon, because the faster I am asleep, the faster morning will come. Christmas is a welcome distraction from life.

Merry Christmas to you all.