...Just To Break My Own Fall...

I took my sister to the Santa Clause parade, we walked there and back, and now my extremities are on fire from the cold. I was an hour and a half long (approximately), and I am not a huge fan of parades in general... But, to be honest, it was kind of fun to actually get along with my sister for once. And... The parade wasn't all bad.

I knew Brianne was going to be in it... I don't think she told me, I just kind of knew... I mean, with her skating and all, it made sense. It caught me completely by surprise when I saw her, and my heart actually skipped a beat or two... And I waved, and smiled, and she looked surprised to see me, and then she waved and smiled back... And then she was gone, and I was left sitting there, but wanting to run after her and jump up onto the float myself.

I realized two things when I saw her today... One, I realized that I really like her, a lot. I realized that it's always going to kinda sorta hurt as long as I know that she's with Mark. And two... I realized that I really can't blame her for anything. To be angry at her, deserved or not, would put our friendship in danger, and I would never do that... As long as I have that, I have hope. And frankly, I never expected to be able to sweep her off her feet and forget about him... I mean, frankly, I was always scared that if we ever went out that I'd never be able to live up to his legacy, that I'd always just be filler, that I wouldn't be able to treat her as she deserves to be treated. And I haven't totally given up on thoughts of her and I going out, but the fact is, perhaps it's better this way. Because this is the way that it is...

But not forever.

Music: Regina Spektor -- Fidelity

Start Another Fire And Watch It Slowly Die...

I am more at peace with everything. I mourn my lost chance, and I would much prefer things had happened differently, but I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot change that which I have no control over.

I'm happy for her, as long as she is happy, and that is what matters in the end. It's not like what happened here is what happened with Jill... This is on a much smaller scale, different players, a different scene, a modified script... This is not the same production. My role in this particular play is not even the same... In the original, I was the tragic hero, and here I am once again fifth business. I can live with that, as long as I am reassured that this God damned typecasting is going to stop... I swear, I have the skill to play out a bigger role, just give me the script, give me the spotlight, and open the curtain.

And then you'll see.

Music: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Over And Over Again (Lost and Found)

...You'd Think The World Was Ending...

Fuck.

Fuck!

I should've written this ages ago, days ago in the least, but I put it off, put it off, because happiness just doesn't make for good blogging, happiness does not make for good story-telling, there was never a good soap-opera without pathetic sadness and anger. So, I will fulfill your expectations here, all you who tell me I'm "emo" when I write things like this, and never mind the cathartic aspect, because it's much fucking better to label me, no matter how hard I fight to tell you why I'm not, ignoring the fact that I really have no other "emo" tendencies, I don't dress in black, I don't cut myself, I don't mope all day long, and in fact my only crime has been honesty in my writing, telling you how I feel is the sin that I've allowed myself, and if you read this and call me "emo", well... I am what I am.

Wait a minute... Fuck you! If there's one thing I've gained from these experiences, it's a sense of self-worth. No... That is not the right term, that is the wrong word... More a sense of... Solidarity with myself. I know now that I have to be happy with who I am... And I will gain just as much respect for sticking to my guns and staying true to myself than I will with always compromising and thus always getting the short end of the stick. If I want to derive a sick sense of pride from making others happy at the expense of myself, then I will. But not at the cost of my overall sanity, not at the cost of a piece of my soul. I will give my soul fully, or not at all... Not in bits and pieces. That's not my style.

Josh, the next time you choose to mock me in your blog by using a paragraph of mine, try to make sure that paragraph doesn't make your writing style seem like that of a half-retarded rhesus monkey.

Anyway, Jill is with Josh. C'est la vie. Perhaps not how life should be, not how it should've happened in my mind, but that's how it ended up. Fuck, it's just... I don't know, half the times I've talked to her since then, especially when it's been her with Josh, it just feels like exactly that... Her with Josh, and me on my own. Me against them. I hate that feeling, because, fuck, it used to be me and her against him... He was just our minor distraction, and he was going to be out of the way eventually, it was just a matter of time... And suddenly the tables switched? Suddenly I'm the minor distraction in their relationship?!?

I will not be relegated to the minor leagues! I will not fade away into oblivion!

And now I know, that what we had, will be so hard for me to get back... It is so hard now, talking to her, to get past what she's done, and our conversations are never the same, and maybe they never will be, because a part of me is going "I love you, I miss you, I'm not over you..." and another part of me, locked in the back, but nonetheless demanding to be heard, is screaming "Look what she did to you! Look what she let him do! Stand up for yourself!". And I can't get past the fact that it didn't even stop after we broke up, she still fucking took his feelings into account more than she did mine, because fuck, he's her boyfriend... But I was the one who was hurting, and I was the one who needed to be fucking coddled for once... Oh well. At least I can say, though I bore the brunt of the attack, the bulk of the pain, I took it face first, head up, tears in my eyes and bone in my back... For once in that whole fucking mess.

And then... I don't know how to tell this story. There is this girl named Brianne. Me and Brianne are extremely close... We are like best friends, and we have been for a very long time. We sort of lost touch for a while, we fell apart, but a little while ago we rekindled that which we once had, and everything was good! Now the thing about Brianne and I is... Once upon a time ago, in the days of elementary school, I like Brianne. And the funny thing is, Brianne liked me. But neither of us knew it, I was fucking blind, and I won't say this about her, but she didn't see it either. And the thing is, I realized, a little while ago, that that feeling hadn't exactly died. But she felt it would be better with us as friends, because she didn't want to ruin what we had, and she always said that there was a possibility in the future... And so I denied my feelings, openly and to myself, but I always held on to that hope. You see, I learned something... After Jill, I felt as though I'd never really like anyone again, that no one would be able to hold a candle to her... And when I realized what I felt for Brianne, I suddenly realized how fucking... Teenage that was. How naive I was to believe in the exclusivity of emotion, to think that I would never like another girl... So, without even knowing it, Brianne helped me through that break-up as much as anyone did.

And we got close... And we got closer... And we got to where I was pretty sure that I actually stood maybe possibly a good chance of having her. And she knew it too... And in fact, knowing what they had planned that night, she perhaps knew more than me...

And tonight, her and Mark got back together.

And I am happy or her, so happy for her! I'm not joking, I'm not being sarcastic, the fact that she's happy with it makes me happy... Or makes me believe I should be happy. It's a spark of flame on doused kindling at the moment, to be honest. Because I know that we're still best friends, as we'll still tell each other all our secrets, and we'll still be as close as we were before... And I know that she'll be happier with him than she would've been with me anyway, and I know that I was silly to get my hopes up, and I know that this is ultimately the best possible thing for her, the best option.

But fuck.

I am now a firm believer in people learning to break the fuck up. Damn it, every single one of you, stop getting my hopes up! If I walk into one more rebound feeling, I am going to fucking take a bat to my competition, and then maybe to myself if I still have the energy.

Not to play to the aforementioned stereotype, but why the fuck is everyone going to be happy but me? Damn it, if I see one more happy couple out there I am going to torch my nearest Hallmark store. And if I see one more couple complain, well... I'm going to take that torch to myself. Yes, I understand things aren't all rainbows and butterflies. Yes, I realize that you guys have problems too, all of you... But no, the grass is not greener on the other side. I'm allergic to grass anyway.

Ergh, the self-pity level in this room just knocked itself up about 12 notches.

*Sigh* I did forget how good this feels though... My thoughts are down and composed so that I don't have to be.

Oh! Also, before I forget, would you all be so kind as to sign your comments when you make them? I don't want to have to take away the ability to remain anonymous, because anonymity is certainly a valid choice, but I do like to know who is complimenting/insulting me. I don't mind being yelled at, but I would like to know who I'm supposed to be refuting. Thank you.

Alright, bed. Don't worry, this will continue to be updated more often...Dark clouds on the horizon or not. Until then... I need sleep.

Music: Regina Spektor -- Ghost of Corporate Future

...We're Both At Fault, We're Both To Blame...

I think I've lost the urge to do this... To do anything. I can feel a slow apathy creeping in, and I know that that apathy is really just the grasping tendrils of a larger depression waiting on the horizon.

I thought the passage of time would have started to ease my pain by now, but it's clear that a week is not even close to the required amount of time. Every little thing about... them, still hurts me... Their little pet names, the pictures of them together... I thought that I would have accepted it by now, but no.

The bastard is still emailing me too... Does she realize that he can't keep his mouth shut to save his life? Or, more applicable, to save their relationship? That poor son of a bitch doesn't even realize the aces I have up my sleeve. And the sad thing is, out of respect to her, he never will.

He just stands there and kicks me while I lie curled up in the fetal position. And the sad thing? She stands by and watches, and sure, maybe it hurts her, and maybe she shields her eyes, turns her head and looks away... Good, I don't want her to watch me while I'm in pain like that. But the fact is, it keeps happening, and yeah, I hold her responsible for that. We are judged by the company we keep, for better or for worse... And the fact is, she picked him. Now, I'm going to judge her on that.

Do I want to cut all contact with her? Would that ease this pain? No, and yes. Maybe things would stop, on that side, though a new pain, almost unimaginable, would come up on the other side. Time, as it always does, might ease that pain... But nothing is a sure thing. The fact is, we love each other, and for that to die... I would feel more empty than I do now, and that is a hard thing to even consider.

I need a walk now... I don't know what kind of state I'll be in when I get home, or what kind of mood either... I wish I could say that it can only go up, but that would be a bit of a lie. I feel like shit right now, certainly, but it can always get worse. Here's to hoping it doesn't...

Now let's go complete that toast.

...Honesty As Popular As A Plague...

Today has been... Strange.

I was really hyper all day, with one exception (just before I went to Writer's Craft to do my Drama test), and I had what was, for all intents and purposes, an excellent day.

Then I came home, feeling pretty good. And then, I cried.

It was strange... I guess I finally opened back up, I'd been numb for a while... It's hard to explain, but... For the couple days previous to this, whenever I would think back on Jill and I, all our great memories, I would feel... Well, not nothing, but not exactly what I expected to either. It was just sort of a "Yeah, that was nice. Ah... Good times." It just wasn't... Affecting me. At all. It scared the hell out of me, to be honest.

But today... Today, for better or for worse, I got the feeling back. I thought about all the amazing times we had, and all the amazing times we still should be having, the times that are now ruined by our breakup, and I wept. That's right, not cried, but wept.

Jill asked me if I wanted to make a "clean break". She told me it would hurt her very deeply, but if it was what I wanted, we could do it. I told her that, in my opinion, there is no such thing as a clean break; that break would be messier than anything. People will tell me that I'm being an idiot, that this can only lead to more pain, but the bare fact is... I still love her, and she still loves me. She's just too far away for this to work, because we are too young for that shit... 2 hours is far too many. But she may not always be so far... Toronto is close enough, isn't it? She wanted me to tell her that there is still a chance, still an opportunity for us, once she is closer. I refused to tell her that, for a number of reasons... Because I don't want to be the backup guy, because I'm really not sure what will be going on by then... But the truth of the matter is, I wanted to say yes, so much... Because, when it comes down to it, I believe that the answer is yes.

This is not over. I've come to realize, through Brianne, through Danielle, that once I like somebody, and I mean really like them, they never really leave my heart. Once I love someone, I will love them forever, for better or for worse, and that's just how it is. Sometimes those feelings change slightly, to be sure, but at the core of them is still that burning love that I am truly capable of... Everyone gets a piece of that love, but some much more than others. And Jill... Jill is as far away from an exception as you can get. I don't know how to think of Jill as anything but that girl that I love so deeply... That's why it scares me to think of seeing her again, because I don't know if I can adjust, and I don't know if I want to, and I really don't know if we will. It's kind of an all-or-nothing thing with us, or so it feels to me... Either we are going to meet as friends and it will tear me apart for the loss of that feeling, or we will meet and slip back into those old habits. I mean... She wants there to be another opporunity. I want there to be another opportunity... But the thing is, I cannot temper the flames of emotion that I feel for her, I cannot control them... Either they die, or they burn hot. I'm not sure if I can just turn them on or off... We could try, but do we want to risk that? What if I can never get that feeling back? What if simply trying burns me again?

For better, or for worse, this is not over. Nothing lasts forever; not even nothing lasts forever.

...I Know It's Gonna Be Alright; Someway, Somehow tonight...

I just got back from the STD's show.

My head pounds. My chest burns. My throat hurts. My body aches. My stomach's sick.

It was the best show I've ever been to.

There were five bands... I think. I don't quite remember, all I know is that I was skanking for all the bands except one, a good amount of each set. I didn't stop at all for the STD's, and the whole time I was either skanking with everyone else or holding down the middle, dancing like a fool, keeping the poor little kids who needed a break from getting crushed.

Speaking of little kids, we were like the oldest kids there... Everyone else was just so young! Plus, I swear, I saw approximately 3 people who were not wearing black, not counting our group. Kevin wore a white Cannington shirt, Alex wore a red cowboy type shirt, and I wore that orange Moroccan shirt that Jill always hated so much, yet remains my favourite of all the clothes I own. I wore my black fedora too, and my bowling shoes, which proved absolutely perfect for my style of skanking. I love them.

Plus, True Trout played Gay Rude Boys Unite, and Sink Florida Sink, which was absolutely awesome. Thennnnnn, the STD's played Santeria! Plus, they played all my favourite songs, making for one crrrraaaaazzzzyyyy night. It was... The best night I've had since... Well, since the last time I saw Jill, to be honest.

I miss her. I miss her terribly. I know that, in my heart and in my mind, I still love her. Despite what she did to me, despite what she let happen, and despite the final result of all my greatest efforts, I still love her.

I've realized now... It was the distance. I know you all thought that I changed once I started going out with her... I ceased to be the fun-loving, free-spirited, irascible little scamp you all knew and loved. It's true. And you all thought that it was Jill that did it to me. And that... Could not be farther from the truth.

It wasn't her. I always knew that it couldn't have been her, because she made me so happy, she brought out the best in me... So how could it be that she also managed to squash that "best" so often? Simple; she didn't. It was never her... it was the distance between us. I was always pining for her, always wanting to be close to her, because that is who I am... I am needy, I am touchy, I need to be able to hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and all those good things. Sure, the distance thing might have worked, I know I could've made it work... But I would've remained the shell that I was. And now, I can tell you guys honestly and impartially, that that was never her fault.

The future scares me. I don't know what I'm going to do without her... I know that I'll survive, I will come out of the fire stronger than I was before, but I have no idea how. I don't want to be alone... I want someone to hold and to care for, to do things for, to love. I liked the feeling of being a boyfriend, and as I stated before, I was damn good at it. I want to go back to it... But I was alone for so long here, in this little town, and I'm not sure if that's going to change this time around. All I can do is hope.

So Jill... I miss you. I love you. I know you love me too, and always did. Nothing, no distance, will change that. We may not be able to show our love as we once used to, but we are both stronger simply for having that love. Thank you, for everything you did. Sorry for everything I couldn't do. I know now that I did indeed have the time of my life.

I can see those dark clouds of depression on the horizon... Loneliness and sadness threaten to overtake me, not now, but eventually. I know that I will have to go through that again...

My only recourse is to keep on dancing.

Never stop dancing.

...Time Of Your Life...

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

This song… I listened to it last night, when I was with Brianne and Hunter and Destinee, and it’s always made me cry, every time… But this time, it did not. Because… Because I felt far too empty to cry.

I don’t feel too empty to cry right now.

Do you know the last time I heard this song Jill? It was the party… I remember it, and we danced, and you wanted to hold me so that I didn’t cry, but I did, just a bit, and yet it was more out of happiness than sadness, so it was okay.

And now, I can’t even… I just don’t know what to do. I miss being with her, just feeling that I was, so much. There was a lot of pain, a lot of it, but…

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

I learned so much from this, things that gave me great joy, things that I never wanted to know, things about people, about emotion, about myself… Things that I will keep with me forever.

I was optimistic in the end, right up until I asked her that question, I still had faith that she’d pick me. It was something unpredictable… And I’m not sure if, in the end, it was right.

But I hope you had the time of your life.

..And We Are Stronger Than Everything They Taught Us That We Should Fear...

Today was... Not good. At all. This breakup is so much worse than the last one, because this one feels permanent, you know? But then... Jill told me it doesn't exactly have to be. I mean... I don't know. But I am actually really starting to believe that it was the distance, and only the distance, that killed us... Because she is taking this about as hard as I am.

Now, I would get into a depressing little rant about my day, but no... I no longer feel like that, for the next few minutes any way. And who do we have to thank for this new outlook? Why, none other than everyone's bestest buddy, Joshie! Awww, t'ank you Joshie, you've managed to make me see that there's more to this than "getting the girl."

He's still emailing me. That asshole is actually still emailing me! He can't be content with "winning", he can't be content with her, he thinks now he can strike with impunity, from afar, and laugh in his invincibility. Well... Here, just to show you the extent to which his douchebaggery goes, here is his latest little email:

"lol oh i hear your just charming, you wanna watch out. should have kept up the good behaviour might have improved your chances down the road, since love is eternal and all...oh yeah might want to keep a little control on your hostile emotions, jill is practically having seizures because of the vibes your sending out, tsk tsk. i got back stabbed and i wasn't THIS malicious. Christ you've had a month to deal..that must be the whole age thingy kicking in

ps i'm still waiting for that whole apoligy thing

pps you made her cry...those tears are yours alone"

No names have been changed to protect the innocent... Because no one is innocent here. And the spelling and grammer mistakes? All his.

So, he starts off with a threat, to which I respond "Right here buddy, right here." (You can insert the raised middle finger for yourself... And in your case Josh, right up your ass. Though, I'm sure you were far ahead of me on that one.)

I'm going to skip over that whole sarcasm part... Man, stick to the shit you do best, intelligent sarcasm... Not your strong suit. What is your strong suit? Well, being a general asshole is really the only thing that I can think of. So, yeah, stick to that, and good luck out there in the world.

Now, he got back stabbed and wasn't THIS malicious? And I made her cry? Well... Shit! God damn it all, what have I done?!?

Man, she made me cry too. We both cried. That is what you do in a breakup, idiot.

The apology thing? To clarify, he wants me to apologize for all my lying. Well, man, I'm going to say this once more, and "God" willing, the millionth time might be the charm. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. Are you new to this whole "thought" thing? Is your life that mind-numbing that you've forgotten how to use that thing floating inside your skull? I haven't been lying! Argh! Your total disregard for what is blantantly obvious is actually now to the point of being fucking comical! I... I cease to see how you function in every day life. Are you that insulated from reality? Did you kill too many brain cells over at Greg's? None of these would even add up. Bravo Joshie, bravo... Your rampant idiocy astounds even me.

He says "You've had a whole month to deal." Listen, Josh, have you given any thought, any thought at all, as to why Jill might be crying? After all this time, it was this blog that made her break down? Fuck, please! Maybe... Jesus Christ, a thought! Maybe it's because we broke up, you fucking knob! And maybe, just maybe, she cries because she loved me, and still does, and is sad to see that this distance between us is just too much! Ever thought of that?

Okay, okay, I am aware of the lunacy of using the word "thought" in a sentence directed at him. You'll excuse me if I blame it on the alcohol... Or, you know, the emotional wrecking. Either or.

So, anyway, to sum up... This is the asshole that she picked. This is the miserable excuse for a decent human being that she loves enough to choose him over me. Perhaps he has redeeming qualities, though you'll excuse me if I don't hazard a guess as to what those may be... Even my poor little brain has its limits.

I'll give you guys an actual update on my life tomorrow. But now, I go to bed, satisfied, my righteous anger a warm glow in my belly. Or maybe that's the vodka, who can tell?

...The Disco Before The Breakdown...

I am many things. I am drunk, I am broken, I am angry, I am upset. I am lost, I am confused. I am alone.

It happened last night, I think everybody except me was waiting for it, including her. I was optimistic right until the end.

"This situation isn't good."

"No, it's not."

"I need to know honestly... If I was to give you the choice, right now, between me and him, who would you pick?"

"Him. I'm sorry."

...

That was the end. She tried to make me feel better for the rest of the conversation, and I tried to hold it together until I got off the phone with her. It wasn't until the end... I knew, that when I hung up, that it was goodbye for a while. I knew, that when I hung up, that things would never again be the same. I broke down before I had the chance to catch myself.

Dave made it better though... We went out bowling, and he and Brianne made me remember that I was maybe possibly going to make it through this... If I could be with them all the time, this wouldn't be nearly as hard.

I learned so much from this experience, and I think you guys deserve for me to impart those lessons upon you... But right now, in the throes of my depression, I only remember one lesson: The asshole gets the girl. Nice guys finish last. It's always darkest just before it goes pitch-black. Life has been trying to teach me these things for 17 years, and I think maybe I'm just starting to understand now.

There's so much I want to say to her, so much I want her to know... I want her to know exactly how much I loved her. I want her to know what she threw away, and that she'll never have that again. I want her to know that their relationship will never be the same... I want her to know that I hope she sees me... When she's kissing him, she'll think of me, if only for a fleeting moment. Every time they're having fun, she'll think, just for a moment, that things would be so much better if it was me sharing it with her, rather than him. Every time he does something horrible to her, something mean to her as he seems so fond of doing, she might, just for a moment, remember that I never, ever would have done that to her, that I would have always treated her just as she deserved... Like a queen. In the deepest, darkest, angriest recesses of my mind, I hope that forever this choice will leave a bitter taste in her mouth, in her heart. I hope she remembers me, now and forever.

I... I want her to hurt, to know what she's done, to know what this has done to me, to know that I will never, ever be the same.

But most of all, I want her to know that I love her. I thought I'd stopped, maybe, but now... I know that this is for the best, and I have no regrets, except that I wish she could've seen what she meant to me. I know this is right... But I still love her.

I'm pretty angry at the world right now... Angry at the world, at her, and most of all at myself. I just wish... I just wish I knew exactly what he had that I didn't. The distance thing? We would've made that work, Jill. There is... Something else. I can reconcile myself with one fact: He never "won". I lost. And there is a big, big difference there.

There is one other thing I take from this. I was never sure before, I was untested, and I always had the feeling, but I was so scared that I would be wrong... But, and I can say this with no hint of arrogance, in the end... I made a damn good boyfriend.

And now... Where do I go from here? If I live through the night, I think things will get better tomorrow. I don't want to be alone, and I see those dark clouds on the horizon... The looming depression, the old foe that I once had, back to the basics of being me. But those are secondary concerns... Right now, I want to die. I won't die, unless I make an active effort at it, so I think I'm safe.

I'm going for a walk now, I'm already starting to get that headache... And I know what it means. And one day... I'll be able to tell you guys that I'm okay. Just... Not right now.

...And They're Just Pieces Of Paper...

*Sigh*

Yes, that's always a good way to start a blog.

I saw Borat today, it was absolutely awesome... Seeing it with the guys was exactly the kind of thing I needed, exactly the kind of thing I need to get out and do more often. I'd forgotten how therapeutic it was to just relax like that... I pretty much forgot all my troubles, until near the end of the movie at least, when I started to miss Jill a lot... It's our anniversary you see, and I started to feel really guilty that I was out with the guys instead of at home talking to her. Of course, to be fair, she was supposed to be at piano, so I wouldn't have been talking to her anyway, but nevertheless.

I'm a little... I don't know, a little depressed, a little thrown off at the moment. I went to Jill's livejournal, to see her latest post as she told me to... And was greeted with pictures of her and Josh kissing. Because that's exactly what I wanted to fucking see. *Sigh* It's just, she used to warn me about that kind of thing, when she was going to do it... And it's quite hard to look at my girlfriend kissing another guy... I mean, I know it happens, clearly, but I would rather it wasn't happening as a still life right in front of my face.

Oh well, I'll get over it. I love you darling... Happy four months.

(Addendum: Fuck! Arrrrgggghhhh... And now they're hanging out, isn't that just a fucking kick in the teeth? I'm supposed to phone her at nine... I do, she's not there, okay, must be busy. Yeah, fucking right she was busy. She could've given me a little warning, Jesus Christ... And then I phone twenty minutes later, and she's acting weird, and something's up, but I don't want to accuse her, I don't want to say "Oh, Josh is over, that's just fucking great..."

"I love you."

"You too."

Happy fucking four months.)

(Addendum: Alright... I think I've calmed down. But that really, really hurt. Enough so that I'm not even sure I was overreacting... But you know what? She'll make it better... I bet it wasn't even her fault. I love you Jill.)

(Addendum: *Sigh* Again. Apparently, it technically is her fault. She knew he was coming over... She just forgot to tell me. I just put more symbollism into today then she did... Which is understandable, I suppose... The phone thing, it's hard... So it would've been smarter to just forget about today and pretend that sunday was the 7th. But... No one informed me of the plan. Hence, Josh coming over really, really hurt. But... At least she feels bad, so I know she cares.)

...Doesn't Mean I'm Going Backwards...

I've lost the urge to blog... I hope this is only a temporary thing, because I enjoy it so much... I hope this isn't my natural apathy taking root once more.

It's a shame, because plenty is happening in my life, and I want to share it with you guys... Because it helps.

Me and Jill are doing so well... and then we aren't, and then we are. It's... confusing, but no one ever said this would be easy. Oh God, that reminds me of that song... But then, oddly enough, that song reminds me of that night, at the Halloween party. Remember it baby? I actually might be able to listen to it now.

But, anyway, I'm counting down the days until I see her again... There are too many, but there always are, aren't there? Things may be uncertain now, I may get worried, and she may get scared, and we may not know the future... But the fact is, everything's better when we're together. Everything else just... Melts away. As long as I can hold on until then, nothing else will really matter, because to be in her arms once more is worth every single heartache I have to endure until then.

I love you darling.

...As Long As I Know How To Love...

I feel... Strange. I don't know, I don't know what it is, but I feel liberated, empowered... At this moment, I like who I am. And I think I'm starting to remember that that's the most important thing to me... Being comfortable with me, liking the person that I am.

I've forgotten that, in the last little while, I lost sight of that; I did some things, made some decisions that I really wasn't happy with, decisions that I felt, and still feel, reflect on who I am as a person. And I can't take those decisons back, as much as I'd like to... But I can learn from them. In fact, if I don't learn from them, I am doomed to repeat them, repeat my mistakes, and be hurt again and again and again. And I cannot do that.

I compromise. That's who I am, I'm a diplomat, I am concerned with everyone else before myself. But sometimes, sometimes I take that to a dangerous extreme. Compromising shouldn't be painful for me, or it shouldn't be too painful... Because making people feel better brings me such joy. That joy should balance out everything, it should make me feel satisfied in the end, even if I might seem to get the lesser end of the bargain. But... That only works up to a point. Eventually, there comes a time when a decision, a compromise is so painful to me, when I'm really not getting any joy out of it... And yet I make it anyway. And that... That is not something for me to be proud of. I can look at that and say "Yeah, look at me, I'm so good it hurts, I am so willing to do the right thing that I will bring myself to self-loathing, I will bring myself to thoughts of suicide, just so that someone else can be happy." Well, you know what? That's not a good thing. That doesn't make me a good person, a martyr... That makes me an idiot. There is no mincing words... That is just plain stupid. I love to make people happy... But I can't really do that unless I myself am happy, I have no right to give advice, to listen to problems, or to spread any joy, if I am not happy with the person that I am. And I see that now.

And that's why I don't lie anymore. That's why I don't run. Because I recognized that a while ago, and I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, taking a stand for yourself really feels good. So she can feed him whatever he wants to hear, and he can blelieve whatever he wants to believe... And I can't stop that. Nothing I do can stop that. But the fact is, now I see that. I know that I cannot do everything, I am not Superman, I'm just Christopher, and that's all I'll ever be. And if I'm not comfortable being what I am, then what wil become of me? It's a moot point, because I am.

Thank you, to everyone that made me see that... And thank you most of all to Dave. You, my friend, you taught me that I might not be such a bad guy... That in the end, I have many flaws to be sure, but that they are flaws that, in my twisted, strange way, I might actually be a little proud of those flaws. And, even better than that, I have strengths, there are parts of me that are really, really good. Despite my willingness to cause myself so much pain, despite my tendancy to dump it on other people, in spite of my whining and bitching at a situation that is, quite honestly, my own damn fault, I am actually a great guy. And Jill, thank you for showing me that, while there aren't many, there are actually some girls, some amazing, unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true girls, that might actually love me for who I am. Or at least there's one.

I love you.

...And I'll Be Homeward Bound Again...

(I'm not sure how this is going to come out... My computer appears to have made the decision to implode while I was gone, and now will not remove itself from 16 colours at 640x480 resolution. Translation? I can't see a bloody thing. *Sigh* This is not what I need right now. Oh well, to the blog!)

We're on our way home now, we just finished our lunch stop (at Burger King, of all places), and we are now homeward bound once more. Dave just switched seats with Hunter so that he could sit with Brianne, and I am now left with no one to talk to and joke around with... But, it gives me plenty of time to write, so perhaps it's for the best in the end.

Today has been kind of hard on the Jill front... I've been missing her terribly all morning. Actually, it started last night, at the mall, with Dave, in the bookstore... We saw a copy of Wicked, and I remembered that she was going with him on Saturday (tonight)... Argh, it's infuriating to think about, because I know she'll have a great time, because she wanted to go so much... And I want her to have a great time! I want her to have to time of her life! Just... Not with him. The thought of them together is painful, it fills me with such... Revulsion? Dread? Sadness? A mix of them all, really. And I want to be there, with her, so much, I want to be holding her hand through the play, stealing kisses and enjoying everything immensely... To hold her and love her and... Hell, just to see her would make me just that little more sane, just that little more complete. I console myself with the knowledge that, had I not been away, it would've been me going with her. Given the choice, she would've taken me, and that's the one thing that gives me peace, the one thing that I can use to justify to my friends, to justify to Dave why I'm still doing this... Because, were circumstances different, it would've been me this time, and it will be me next time.

...

Seven hours later.

Give or take an hour, I suppose. We're about to cross the border, and I'm losing the light for writing...

Ha ha, that was awesome! We just crossed the border, here's basically how it went:
"How many people?"
"49"
"Spend more than $500?"
"No"
"Alcohol or Tobacco?"
"Nope"
"Welcome to Canada."

And... The bus appears to have broken down. Cross your fingers... Oh, no, there we go. Yay team.

*Sigh* Well, don't those two look happy over there? I'm vaguely uncomfortable... Hunter is crowding my seat a bit... And other people's happiness is depressing me. I mean, I don't want to be home... Mother yelling, worrying about school, worrying about my relationship with Jill... I don't know, it was like, up there, she was just my girlfriend, all the guys made fun of the fact that I had to email her, it was all in good fun, and I was away, so I couldn't really affect anything... But now, I'm back, and she's still my girlfriend, but now that power is back, and with it all the responsibility, and I have to worry about Josh, whether he knows, whether he ever will, whether I care... It's just like any return from a vacation I guess, return to the stress. I'm okay.

Did you know that we've coined a new term, apparently? It's the "Chris Ross okay", where you say you're okay, but you're really a mess of pain and anguish, but you try to hide it all until you can blog it out.

Speaking of which, Graeme yelled at me about blogging, he told me that I should let it out in the regular way... And I know there are plenty of people who think that, who think my blogging is stupid, who think I'm whining, or want attention, or I shouldn't make it public... Well, you know what? Fuck you. In the nicest way possible. If this is what helps, I'm going to do it, independant of what you think. Let it out in normal ways? Get with the fucking times... This is normal. Or, if it's not, it's becoming normal, and I'm helping it to get there. Like it or not, hate the phrase or don't (I do), the paradigm is shifting... Like it or not, hate the idea or don't (I don't), the internet is taking over, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. I'm going to spread out my pain, independant of what you say or do or think or feel, and if you don't want to take a piece of that for me, then by all means do not, I don't hold it against you, for I neither expect you to, nor know why you would. I would, and I don't really understand why. That's just how it is.

Dave told me that I'm the "other man"... I'm not, right? In my opinion, with the strength of our love, he is... But, I guess I can see now, I realize how stupid that would sound to him. Because we're all the "other man" to someone... It's all a matter of perspective.

Well, enough writing for now... I will admit though, I feel better. Well, a bit better. Besides, tomorrow... Tomorrow, I get to talk to her again, to tell her I love her again, to hear her say it back, and not to stop missing her, never that, but to feel just that little bit better about it. Because that's just what she does, makes me feel that much better.

I love you Jill.

...

I'm home now.

I'm depressed, I wish I was still back on the trip. Dave, man, you don't know how much I enjoyed it... I know there were times when it seemed like I didn't, but honestly, I loved it. Just hanging out with you guys... It was great. Just having you there to talk to, when I needed it, was perfect. Everything I said on the bus, about our friendship, was completely true. I can't really say it in words man, but... Thanks.

I know it doesn't seem like I'm happy. I lost that happiness it seems, that's how it looks... But, look back in my blogs. See all those entries about me being depressed? I'm talking about pre-Jill, hell, pre-Janine, all that shit before? I've always been depressed... And I always haven't been. The problem is, I only ever write when I'm upset, because it's therapy to me. So people reading this get this skewed view of me, of who I am, which is most unfortunate. And I know it seems like I'm unhappy a lot around everyone too, that I'm missing her too often, that I'm too moody... But I've always been like that. The fact is, I get more and more comfortable showing my emotion when more people know about it, about me... Because now I can point to my blogs, without having to tell the story, and say "There, that is why I'm upset, how I feel." And now... I feel comfortable enough to let everything out, to be happy when I feel like it, to be sad when I feel like it. I don't have to bottle things inside anymore, and I refuse to do it... This is my own little rebellion. I'm going to be exactly as moody as I feel like being, and the fact that I can do that around you guys, my friends, is a testament to exactly how much faith I have in you guys, to exactly how much I care about you, and think you care about me. You guys make it so that I don't have to hide anymore... And yeah, there's some good natured teasing, and yeah, I can accept that, and sometimes even take a secret pleasure in it, because now I have a thing, a niche, I'm that kid who will let it all out, who will tell you my life's story, an open book and a closed book all at once... I'm that guy. I'm Chris. And you guys have let me have that. Thanks.

...

I go to bed now. My final thoughts, before I sleep... I wish I was back with my friends. I wish I was back with her. I wish I was anywhere but the dreary, bleak house which I call my home... Welcome to teenage life. But, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow scares me, tomorrow excites me, everything might happen tomorrow, nothing might happen tomorrow. And I won't know until it's already far too late. But, no matter what, there is that one glimmer of hope; tomorrow brings me her.

I love you Jillian.

We just got out of the National Cathedral... Do you know the difference between a Cathedral and a Church? I do. It's strange though... It was amazingly beautiful (God I wish you could've been there darling... I know you love them as much as I do... One day we're going to tour all the great Cathedrals we can find... And have sex in every one of them. He he he he he... Seriously though, the Cathedral thing, let's do it.) But anyway, it was so beautiful, but I came away with no greater appreciation of religion, no greater love for the workings of "God"... Only a greater love for the workings of man. I love the human race.

I felt really lonely today... I kind of felt like the third wheel, so I tried to dance and be happy, and it worked, but then it didn't, and I felt so lonely. I miss her so much... Last night was the worst... Dave phoned Jodi, Brianne phoned Mark, Luke phoned Krista... And I wanted to phone you so much baby, but I don't have the money, I don't even really have the money for this... (I did some shopping last night, you may be indirectly involved in that darling...) And I felt so incredibly lonely, I missed you so much, and I wasn't the same for the rest of the night, I was just so detatched, lost in thoughts of you... *Sigh* Only a few more days , I'll hear your voice, I'll kiss your lips, and hold you in my arms, I'll be okay... Until then I drift, a mind forever voyaging, coming up for air and sinking under again. I miss you sweetheart, and I'm thinking of you alllll the time... You never really leave my mind. Don't forget about me while I'm gone, okay? I know that sounds stupid... But I just... Ah, I don't see why I should be on anyone else's mind, I don't see why you should be thinking of me when there are better things for you... So please don't, okay?

I love you.

We did so much yesterday, it was amazing. Arlington National Cemetary was incredible... So many graves, too many graves... Just a sea of white, as far as the eye could see... It was sobering. We did a night tour of the different monuments in Washington, it was incredible... There are so many! The WWII memorial was absolutely breathtaking, with the fountain in the middle and... And we saw the Lincoln memorial, which was amazing, and it was just so... Big! The steps the statue, and the view... My God, the view! We also saw the Vietnam memorial, which I can best describe as Arlington in compact form... 58,000 casualties, all together... I actually had to sit down, it just hit me so hard. The Korean War memorial was amazing, you just have to be there to get the effect... Finally the FDR memorial. It was very cool, but the best part was walking along the waterm with an amazing view of the obelisk and the Jefferson memorial reflecting in the water... Dave was walking with Brianne and Ashley, and I was walking with them... But then I started to fall behind... And I stopped to look out over the water... And it was just so beautiful! I wanted so, so much to be able to share it with you sweetheart... It would have been so much better with you. Everything's better with you. She wrote me an email... That doesn't sound like much, right? But... I didn't think she'd get the time to, I didn't expect it... I expected a quick "Hello, I love you, Goodbye." And instead she wrote me this long, sweet email... And it made me feel so good. I swear, my heart actually swelled. I don't think she really knows how much it meant to me. Honey, do you know how much it meant to me? It came just when I needed it most, it made me so happy. Thank you. Everything, everything is reminding me of her... I'm not joking darling, you're everywhere, I can see you everywhere... I miss you terribly, I miss you all terribly, but I miss you most of all. I love being here, it's amazing... But I'm counting the days until I can talk to you again, until I can see you again, until I'm in your arms again. I love you baby.

This morning started off really well... Mr. Aggett took Dave, Graeme, Austin and I on a really amazing walking tour of the Gettysburg battlefield, up to the most important site, the "bloody angle"... It was incredible, you could actually envision the 13,000 Confederate soldiers who marched Pickett's Charge on their way to die. Now we're on our way to a 2 hour bus tour. I'm pretty excited.

I missed you quite a bit this morning, honey. I think it was because I couldn't talk to you last night... It was just that painful longing that you can't shake off... My friends helped a lot, but I could still feel it digging at me. I expected that it would start to go away as the days passed, but... I just miss you so much darling.

Tour now, more later.

Well, we're still on the tour, but I think I can take a few minutes out to write. The tour has been quite good so far, I really like our guide... Cool guy. Still missing you terribly though. Arriving at Little Roundtop now... To be continued.

Alright, we're on our way to Washington now, moving on from Gettysburg... Which was great, but I'm pretty excited for Washington now that we're on our way.

I haven't really stopped thinking about you since we left though darling. We're having lots of fun, just like you told me I would... But I can't shake that feeling that I should be around, that I'm missing stuff that I should be around for, because that's my job. I keep getting these flashbacks to our times together... The beach, the party, your car... It's like withdrawl, but better because I'm thinking of you, and thinking of you is always a pleasure. But, I just know it won't stop until I speak to you again. I just hope everything is going well for you.

I told a couple of my close friends about the weekend (yes, all about it), and about some of the stuff that happened. They were really happy to hear about us, and about how great you are, and that everything's okay... No, better than okay, much better, better than ever before. They were sympathetic, which is always nice... It's good to know I have friends who care about me... But not as great as it is everytime I remember that I have a girlfriend who cares more than anyone else.

I love you baby.