Desert Us Not, We Are Between The Wars

Whew, alright. Perfect time to get on this... I kept meaning to sit down and write last night, and the night before, and the night... yeah. Anyway. It seems like my mind has some sort of pathological aversion to doing anything that it even considers work, even when that work is both not required and makes me happy. But, um... What did I want to talk about? Women, loneliness, drinking, and not moths. No motherfucking moths.

I decided a couple days ago that I'm pretty sure I'm swearing off hard liquor. It just does shit to my stomach... and then I'm just not having fun. I like my stomach. Actually, stomach pains are, to me, my least favourite pain... there's just so much that can go wrong down there. My lungs hurt, my asthma is bad. My ear hurts, maybe it's an infection. My head hurts, it's a headache. My stomach hurts, I'm probably bleeding internally and death is imminent. Or some shit like that. But anyway, I think I'm drinking straight-up wine now. It's tasty, cheap, and you get plenty. Yummm...

Well, that's the stuff on drinking. Moving on... *Sigh*. All I can do is sigh. I'm lonely. There's no doubt about that. There's no crippling depression, or anything like that, I just feel... sad about it all. I already kind of struck out with one girl, and by struck out I mean I found out she didn't have the same feelings as me, which was both completely expected and fairly upsetting. Ah well, these things happen. I just have bad luck. The girls I like are taken, or... I don't know. Whatever.

I do crave human contact though. More than anything, I think that's what I require to feel actually loved. A hug, a cuddle... the more contact the better. Not in a sexual way, but a loving way. I feel bad for those people who aren't really into that, hugging and such, because... no matter what, I always feel completely rejected. I know the person doesn't really want a hug, and they'll probably just feel uncomfortable, and then it'll just end up being awkward for both of us... I guess I'm always just assuming I'll win them over. I'm going to stop. I decided that right now... It's just better that way.

But I need contact. And I do wish that I had one person for whom that contact was a given. But... that's not just something you can just force to happen. It has to come on its own... If I try to force it, in the end I'll just be as unhappy as I was in my other relationships. I feel this intense passion, this... I don't know what it is. It's that feeling, you know, that it's me against the world, and I *will* survive. But at the same time, there's a melancholy feeling to it too. I want to run out to a party and drink and be drunk and sing songs, happy and sad, and to be happy and sad, all at once. To drink with that fierce conviction, throw it back like I'm going to drink my pain away, even though I know I'm really just playing Russian Roulette... To know that I'm going to end up both happier and sadder, or maybe just sadder... but to take that chance that maybe I'll be happier. I always, always have to take that chance... because there will come a day when it pays off, and all this will have been for something, not nothing.

One day.