Wait Until The Dust Settles...

*Sigh* I went downtown with my last two waterbottles of wine, with the intention of drinking and finding something fun to do. I sat down by the lake, and drank with myself, and was happy. And then I got up... and walked around for a while... and started feeling more drunk... and suddenly realized that there was nothing for me to do but go home and be kinda drunk for the rest of the night.

And as soon as I got home Mom started bitching at me, and my mood just sunk lower and lower, until I was at the point where I was smacking my computer for being a little too slow, or a little too loud, or whatever I felt at the time. And I got to that point where I would be talking to people, or not talking to people... and someone would say something in such a way, or someone would not say something, or not respond in the way I wanted, or someone would not be online, or someone's blog would not say the things I wanted it to say...

And I came back to that old, selfish fantasy... where I could curl up in my bed, and blink my eyes, and a month would have gone past, or whatever time I wanted, and I wouldn't know it, but everyone else would, and I would walk into school, a triumphant hero (in my own mind at least), and everyone would be amazed, they would ask where I had been, tell me how much they had missed me, they had never realized it before but they never wanted me to go away again, and I would be reminded that there are people that love me, and I really am important to people, and to life in general.

And it's an urgent thing, I need this power *right* *now*, and I need to just be able to blink and pass this time... because by tomorrow, I won't want this. I'll be happy again tomorrow, I think, and I will love you all tomorrow, I think, and I'll probably even remember that I am also loved. So if I am to have my revenge for things not going as I want them to, I need to take it right now, because I am not a vengeful person. This power will be wasted on me by tomorrow.

Maybe I'll just have a nap.