Burn, Burn, Burn...

On some level, I suppose I respect her choice, to never talk to me again. But on every other level, I hate her for it.

She deserves to not feel pain every time she talks to me. I hurt her, I know that, and I wish it didn't have to turn out that way. I hurt her. And I'm sorry for that. She always knew I was sorry... But still, she's well within her rights to never speak to me again. And I guess the consequences of that won't really matter to her.

But there are consequences. I hate her for it. Desertion, to me... it is the highest crime. She should know that, and she should know why... And you can tell me that I'm clinging to the past, but what happened all those many years ago has shaped me, just a bit, and so those little quirks I have now I bear on a psychological, almost Freudian level. And I can't shake them. And so for this, I hate her. Abandonment... I cannot forgive it. I had resolved that no one would abandon me again... and so I guess, on some level, that's why I never really believed she was serious. I thought, if I gave her some time, she'd come back... because that's how it always happened, so long ago, right? But no. She's gone. And so my mind has alright lit her memory aflame, most of the good times, the happy times, are gone in a blaze... because if I remember that happy people, people who love me, might one day be gone for good, I'll never be able to love again. I'll go back to the times when I was a kid, a loner, and I kept people at arms length. And I will *not* go back to that hell again. No woman will make me go back there.

Jill hurt me. Jill hurt me fucking bad. But Jill never abandoned me. She stuck around, and sometimes it was more like a cancerous growth, but things got better, didn't they? And I forgave Jill. We didn't know what we were doing... we were just kids. But this calculated decision...

So, goodbye, alright?

Goodbye. I wish I could've remembered you fondly.