Rumors Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated...

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he must look at himself in the mirror, when he must take a measure of himself and decide that he's being silly. I mean really, a blog? An online diary? What have I been thinking? What sort of man am I? Yes, there comes a time in every man's life when he must grow up.

So that is why it is with a melancholy smile that I must announce my retirement from this silly little world we call blogging. Livejournal? Blogger? What was I thinking?

Goodbye.

...

...

Ha!

I really, really hope I got at least one person going with that. Come on... Announcing my retirement? How conceited could I get? (The answer is much, much more conceited). But anyway...

I haven't written in a while, obviously... I guess I just haven't been in the mindset to write anything. Just... haven't been in the mood, I suppose. The loss of my laptop didn't exactly help, either... I'm much less inclined to be on the computer when I have to sit down here in this uncomfortable chair, the tower beside me making decidedly funny noises and threatening to crash if the stars themselves have not aligned properly... Basically, this computer sucks. So, combine that with the fact that I've actually been fucking busy lately, and you have a few good reasons why I have not blogged as of late.

Yeah, it's awesome to be too busy to blog... I've been busy doing stuff with Carolyn, with Dave, with Brianne, with The Kids... I've just been all over the place lately.

Oh, yeah, I had a birthday too... 4 days ago I guess it was. I'm 18 now... Porn, voting, credit cards, lottery tickets, adulthood... All these things are now within my grasp. It's... Well, it doesn't feel that different. It's almost disappointing... But I guess I haven't really sat down and thought about it yet. I think I should make an attempt to be more arrogant about the fact that I'm an adult and you guys are still fucking kids (er, those of you who are fucking kids). Yes, that will make me feel grown up.

We watched Mean Creek yesterday. It was incredible. Go watch it... Right now. (Sorry Carolyn)

Hmmm... What else...

I don't know, I've been really satisfied with myself lately. I mean, life... Life is good, life is bad, it's having its ups and downs as usual... For that matter, I'm having my ups and downs as usual... I definitely noticed some times yesterday, watching movies with The Gang (yes, all the capitalizations are purposeful) when my mood would just take a nosedive... It was definitely most noticeable when I was sitting alone... In fact, the only times I ever noticed it happening were the times I say by myself. I just need... To be close to people, you know? When I'm apart, when I'm not cuddled with someone else, or just in contact... I feel all alone, and the worst feeling in the world is to feel all alone in a crowd of people.

I think all alone is the scariest phrase in the English language. I think it's the scariest thing to be... All alone. It's okay to be by yourself... But being alone is different. I hate that feeling.

Anyway, tangent. I've been really satisfied with myself lately... I've just been in love with who I am, to be honest. I'm completely happy with myself... Even when I've done something that would have seemed wrong to me before, I haven't been upset about it... It's like I suddenly got stronger, over night almost.

If that seemed arrogant, it was. But it's okay, because that's not all... I'm in love with us. People. The entire human race. I mean, I love each of us individually, it's true... Almost everyone. And it's not some sort of shallow emotion, it's not me saying that I love people but I really just like people, am happy with them... I feel a burning love for every God damned person around. I love the moments when I get so manic that I have to hug everyone I talk to, over and over and over, no matter how much it weirds them out... Those are my favourite moments of the day. There are times when I absolutely love being unbalanced, when I'm hyperactive and it seems like I can just do everything and see everyone all at once... When I'm so full of energy that it feels like my heart is going to burst and I might not even mind if it did... Those moments make up for ever single time that I feel depressed.

Anyway, tangent. I love the human race. For all our faults, for all the stupid shit we pull, we are just so... Incredible. All that we do, and all that we are capable of... Our infinite power. Carolyn told me it was a pretty twisted example, but let's use global warming... Think about it. We accidentally tamed the Canadian winter! We didn't even mean to, but we did. What could we do if we could harness that power? That's why I hate these trivial little conflicts of ours that divide us... It's always a reminder that we are so different, that to harness that power would be so difficult, and more so so dangerous, for if wielded wrongly, the destruction we could wrought is unimaginable. But, despite all this, we... We are incredible. It's weird, you know? I love riots. I love to hear about these things, these riots and coups and chaos... Because it's all examples of our human power. It's destructive, to be sure, and I mourn that... But did Graham Greene not say that destruction is another form of creation? I wish that power was being put to a constructive use, but even so... The power. I'm always telling Dave... I want to be in a riot, I want to be in a protest... I want to see that power, raw and virile and eternal... I want to see it in action.

I've decided that I thrive on chaos. That's why I just can't stand to stay organized, that's why I'm so random and haphazard, why all these things excite me so... There is nothing better that sliding down the hill of life on one ski, no idea what the fuck you are doing, constantly on the verge of crash and burn... But loving every minute of it.

Oh, what I was just talking about, before the chaos... That's basically humanism. My love of the human race is humanism manifest... There's a quote, where is it now... Ah! Pearl S. Buck said "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels." Well, for me, it's the same, you know? But not only heaven and angels do I disregard... It's the same with all things, pretty much. I mean, animals, I know they have their place, but... Well, there was that philosophy question, way back when, where we were asked "If you were to hit a dog, and you were to hit a human, which would cause you to feel worse?" And, well, I thought it was a no-brain answer... and I was absolutely amazed to find the number of people who said they'd feel just as bad, if not worse, about the dog... Because yes, of course I would feel bad, for all living things are sacred... But that pales in comparison to how I would feel about the person. It was then that I realized that I simply thought differently. Or nature... I love nature. I love it so very much, but... "Of moral purpose I see no trace in Nature. That is an article of exclusively human manufacture – and very much to our credit." (T.H. Huxley)

To sum up Humanism (and humanism): "A humanist is someone who does the right thing even though they know that no one is watching." (Dick McMahan)

It's funny, you know... I was thinking the other day, and I was telling Carolyn about this... I don't want to die. Makes sense, right? But the thing is... I don't want to die ever. I don't see myself ever being ready for it. I mean, think about it... All this shit is going down in this lifetime. Peak oil. Population exceeding food growth. Social security running out. Global warming. All this stuff is going to happen... And we don't get to see the aftermath. We get to make the choices, we get to play the cards... And then we don't get to see if we win. I want to be there, you know? If the world goes to hell, I want to be right in the middle of all the chaos. Death is going to be one great adventure, but... I love this too much to leave. And I don't ever see that stopping.