Memoirs of an Exile, or Lent's Lament, or Hello Blue Wednesday

I should be doing my homework, I suppose... That library assignment is sneering at me from the side of the desk, and it lies only half done, a true testament to my apathy... But, I can do homework any time. I don't want to lose the urge to blog... I want to get something down so I can prove that I'm not completely dead.

I shouldn't even really be on the computer... But I'm doing "homework". Thank God homework is good for something, if nothing other than for lying to my Mother.

I'm actually resisting listening to Cloud Cult because I think it might cheer me up a bit... I have to stay depressed so that I can write why I'm depressed. Temporary solutions will come later.

Of course, I'm not completely sure why... Well, I am, but I'm not, and I am. It's... Well, it's confusing. That's fairly obvious.

Part of it is the fact that I'm lonely... Of course I'm lonely. I'm usually lonely. But that's okay. It's just that... I don't know, I long to just be able to cuddle up with someone who loves me, who I love, or even... Just a mutual feeling of happiness, you know? I'm not asking for love. I want love, but I'm not asking for it. I just want to be... Curled up with my friends, watching movies. At Lee's curled up with Carrie, with Deanna beside me, and Dave and Claire close by... That was the most comfortable I've been in a long, long time. That is what I want, all the time.

It's weird, being single again, worrying again about girls. I decided, after I broke up with Carolyn, that I wasn't going to worry about girls for a while. Fat chance... That didn't last long. There are girls I like, that I'm scared to tell... There are girls I might like, that I'm scared to talk to... It's weird, to be scared again, because I thought for a moment that I had gotten past that, or had at least gained some semblance of courage, but I find myself again paralyzed by fear, convinced that it's probably just better to wait it out. Except... It's probably not.

I've been somewhat self-conscious lately. I've been cycling a lot, more than usual... I'm hitting highs and lows a lot more often these days, and a lot more intensely. I don't know why... And I like it and all, I always have, but it seems to me that it's almost getting to be too much now, you know? That I'm too weird, that I'm coming off too strong, that people are going to think that I'm simply playing a part, that I'm acting, that I'm trying to get people to like me, to remember me. And the thing is... of course I am. I am always secure in the knowledge that, love me, hate me or extremely annoyed by me (most should be), I will be damn hard to forget. But... Well, I'm worried about being annoying, you know? I'm worried that I've gotten too odd, too fast, and that people meeting me, or people who don't know me well enough, are going to be turned off by me, not give me a chance. And I want everyone to love me, y'know, every damn person... And I want them to give me half a chance to love them, and half a chance to prove myself. That's all I'll need.

I almost want a crisis, I want to prove that I am not nearly as useless and trivial as people might think... That I am cool under fire, that I can lead charismatically and with conviction, that when the chips are down you really can count on me, if at no other time than that. I long for chaos... But I always have. I just want some excitement.

I gave up masturbation for Lent. I'm also going to attempt to not shave for 40 days. I'm going to try the fast, too... I call it "Slimming Down for Jesus". Really, I'm just doing this out of respect to the J-man... The Sermon on the Mount is pretty much a perfect Humanist manifesto. Kind of. Minus the stuff about God. And religion. Also... I just wanna see if I can do it.

So, in summation: I don't want to be lonely. There are girls I like, but fear approaching. I am self-conscious, and worry that people don't or won't like me. I want respect. I want love.

I'm really good at being a teenager.

(Seriously though... These mood-swings have reached roller coaster-like proportions. It's... worrying.)

(Also, the title of this is a Vonnegut reference, in both style and something specific. See if you can catch it. (I sometimes forget that Vonnegut is probably one of my favourite human beings to ever walk this earth, and I will weep and drink in equal amounts when he leaves this earth. I want to see him speak. Remind me to mail him sometime.))