Do They Know It's Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

It is indeed Christmas... As I start into this, it's 12:41, I'm sitting in the living room, surrounded by Christmas toys, watching my Mother pull out present after present after present, laying them them on the couch again and again (unwrapped, we have this somewhat strange tradition where "Santa's" presents go on the couch or chair, unwrapped; some sort of shrine to the Gods of consumerism, that's my best guess). Mom maxed out her credit card and is flat broke, as every year... I'm vaguely worried about our money situation in the coming months, but only vaguely, because this is par for the course year after year. In all honesty, the amount of stuff that surrounds me, here and under the tree, is scary. Almost all of it is for the girls, which doesn't bother me in the slightest... Actually, I did really good this year, present buying-wise. Case in point: generally, I spend a total of $10 on my sisters. That's all together. This year, I managed to spend $20 each on them (actually, $24 for Kate's I think.) Mom got something worth $59, and I'm pretty sure Dad clocked in at around $30-40. All in all, I spent almost exactly $150, and I even dipped into the $100 that Dad gave me for Christmas in order to do it (by dipped into, I mean I cut it in half, using $50.) For a guy that generally has a budget of about $20-30 for everything, that is not half bad at all. I am pleased.

There's not much for me under that tree, but that really doesn't bother me... I know that I'm getting my camera, just not until... Well, Mom said "not until later", which I'm hoping means mid-January, like my laptop. Considering it's going to be between $500 and $1000, I can certainly accept receiving it late. I plan to carry it everywhere... Between that and my laptop, I am going to be a walking shrine to the Gods of technology; 21st century digital boy indeed (though, Mr. Graffin, I know plenty, thank-you-very-much.)

Hmmm... There's a problem, something I've been mulling over for... Well, for the last little while. It's intensified recently though. See, my mind, it likes to envision the worst-case scenario. Which is fine, fairly normal... But it doesn't do anything to prepare for it or anything. It goes "Hm, let's see how much I can make you hurt... Okay, okay, good... Is that it? Alright, what if we... Oh, you're crying now? Already? But, how about... Goooood..." He's an evil son of a bitch, he is. Then, after I've done this, I go "Alright... Cool," and leave it alone for a while. Then I go back to it after an indeterminate amount of time, and we start our vicious little cycle again.

Basically, I'll be fine, as long as I keep my mind off it... Then, every so often, I start to think about it, and I get confused, and scared, and depressed, and so very worried about the future... And then I think "Hey, it's not happening yet!", and I go back to being okay. Part of the problem is that I've decided to keep silent about this for a while... Though for once this is entirely my own choice. I haven't quite got it straight yet in my own head, and even when I do, I probably won't talk about it here. Well, I might, it depends on my mood at the time. I'll definitely talk about it to certain people, because while I can keep secrets about other people like I'm Fort fucking Knox, I cannot keep a secret about myself if my life (social or otherwise) depended on it. I much prefer things to be out in the open... Or, if not out in the open, then at least out there, for some people to know, so I'm not holding it all inside.

Christmas time always depresses me a bit. By a bit, I mean, sometimes it's a bit, and sometimes it's nothing, and sometimes it's a whole hell of a lot. I feel kind of alone, just like I did last year, except this year I've had a taste of the good life, and have again been relegated to the realm of the lonely. There are times when I really, really wish that I was back with Jill, just so that I would have someone to hold on to and to love... And there are times when I curl my lip into a snarl of defiance, furrow my brow, look up at the world, and say "You know what? I can be fucking happy on my own just fine!" And there are times when I'm not even lying.

It's good that I got this all out now... I feel a bit more at peace with everything. I'm hoping to fall asleep soon, because the faster I am asleep, the faster morning will come. Christmas is a welcome distraction from life.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Another Travelin' Song...

Alriiiight... Here goes nothing. I again have not been in the mood to write lately, as nothing has really sparked my interest, or evoked any sort of "Oh shit, I have to get this down!" sort of feeling. I sometimes feel like degrading (not the right word at all... I just mean "changing") to some sort of blog where I write every thought that comes into my head, because those sort of things are often hilarious and I would feel better because I update more... But I am far too lazy. Nope, no random thoughts, no internet memes, nothing too interesting... So I'll be content to let you guys check in when I actually decide to get off my ass (proverbially, of course, I'm on my ass right now) and write something down, which is apparently not too often.

God damn but I have a bad headache. All our headache medicine is the extra-strength stuff that has caffeine in it, and I know if I take that I'll be up much later than I should... On the other hand, with the schedule I keep I'll be up for another four hours anyway... Okay, when I'm done this, I will.

The internet is starting to depress me. I... Urgh, I don't feel like writing this all out. Hold on, I explained this all to Jill a little while ago, lemme just find that and copy and paste it... Fuck I'm lazy. Ah, there:

I'm tired of all the ways that it depresses me, and pisses me off, and just generally makes me unhappy; I'm tired of waiting for people, I'm tired of not talking to people even when they're right there online, I'm tired of no one talking to me, I'm tired of no one initiating conversations... I'm sick of no one really talking to each other anymore, just having meaningless conversations... I'm sick of having this entire virtual world at my fingertips and being bored as absolute fuck... I'm just sick of sitting on the computer all day, getting nothing accomplished, always being in a state of waiting... Waiting for people to come, waiting for people to talk, waiting for something to happen... I'm sick of being at its whim.

Yes, that sums it up pretty well. I mean... For the most part, I come home from school, go into my room, sit on the computer, get up once to go eat dinner, get up twice to take a piss (or... to take pisses? Pluralize that)... And that's pretty much it. I sit here until I get a headache (like now? Fuck...), I sit here 'til it's far too late (2 am on most nights), and then I complain about how hard it is to get up in the mornings? Jeeze... So anyway, the point of this is, I'm considering taking a break from the internet. Just... Walking away. Not going on for a few days. What will I do? I don't know... Take a walk or something. Something fun, fuck, there's gotta be something fun... Right? I don't know. I just keep getting these headaches that tell me I've been sitting here for far too long, it's time to get up and do something with my time... If I get the camera I'm asking for, I think I'll have a lot more reason to be outside. So, let's all pray for that, eh?

Of course, there are certain people who I only ever talk to online... Jill, naturally, and Laura, who I'd hate to miss... And also Carolyn, a large part of the reason I'm still sticking around... Just because she's so cool. I mean, I can talk to Dave, and Deanna, and Lauren, and all those people at school... But when will I talk to my beloved Carolyn? (Or Laura, or Jill, etc.) So... I'm still here. For a while.

Hmmm... What else did I want to talk about... Music. Two pieces, to be exact. First of all, I was listening to the secret version of You Oughta Know off Jagged Little Pill the other day, and I let it run through as I sometimes do... And what comes on? This secret song! And it is soooooo good... It's just Alanis Morisette with some slight reverb effects, and that's it. My God, I swear, it would bring a grown man to his knees, it is, bar none, one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Please, please listen to it. Second, I was listening to the song Crack Music by Kanye West the other day, and the whole song is good, it's all about how crack was put in the ghettos as a method of social control for the blacks, in order to to quash the influence of the Black Panthers and keep the black activists down. But now, the situation is reversed; black musicians put out this "gangsta rap", this "crack music", and all the suburban white kids are buying it up like it's... well, like it's crack. And it's almost a form of revenge, because now the black people are getting back the money that's been stolen from them all throughout American history... But anyway, the last part is my favourite, this little rant that Kanye does at the end of the song, almost beat-poet style, and it's just so... So vengeful and angry, but at the same time so smug and cocky... The lyrics:

See I done did all this ole bullshit
And to attone I throw a little somethin', somethin' on the pulpit.
We took that shit, measured it and then cooked that shit
And what we gave back was crack music
And now we ooze it through they nooks and crannies
So our mammas aint got to be they cooks and nannies
And we gonna repo everything they ever took from grammy
Now the former slaves trade hooks for grammy's
This dark diction has become America's addiction
Those who ain't even black use it
We gonna keep baggin' up this here "crack music".

I just love the anger, the cockiness... I actually do really like Kanye West. I've listened to All Falls Down about twenty times in the last few days. He's got some good lyrics... Roses, Through The Wire, All Falls Down, Jesus Walks... It's all good stuff. Ergh, headache.

So anyway, it doesn't feel like Christmas, and I was going to rant about the fact that it doesn't feel like Christmas, but my head hurts. I will do so... Tomorrow? Probably not. Sometime soon. Preferably... Before Christmas.

(Addendum: Man, I was listening to Crack Music again, and the fucking internet site got one of the lyrics wrong... It says "Merril-Lynch" instead of what it actually should be... But when I listened to the lyrics for myself and realized that he says "Merril-Lynched" I realized "Woah, that's a reallly good play on words!
We invested in that it's like we got Merril-Lynched
And we been hangin from the same tree ever since
It's a really good lyric now that I realized what it actually was. Good work, Kanye.)

It's Only Me...

You'll excuse me for this, but I don't know what else to do... My rage is threatening to boil over and I keep thumbing the knife on the desk in front of me with the intent to bury it in my chest just so I won't have to look at it anymore. I'm just so... Angry! ARGH! FUCK! I don't know what to do to calm down, I NEVER know what to do to calm down, and I'm hoping that this blog will siphon off some rage as it so often siphons off some of my pain and sorrow.

I had been talking to Jill, which is fine usually, but we started to talk about her parents, and about how they are... somewhat wary about me seeing Jill again. Now, on the one hand, that is understandable... But on the other hand, they can go fuck themselves. I really like her parents, and I was pretty sure they now disliked me, and not because I had done anything wrong, no, simply because I had been the victim of a bad situation, and I guess it's just fucking easier to go with the "winning team" than it is to stick with the guy that was never anything but nice, and polite, and... Ah, fuck. Anyway... What hurt most was thinking that her Dad didn't like me, because I had always thought that her Dad was one of the coolest people around... And we had always got along quite well. Well, Jill didn't want to just let that go, she didn't want me thinking that her Dad didn't like me when he really did, so she went and talked to him about it. Fine, that's the LAST thing I would have wanted her to do, but she was just trying to help. And the verdict? Well, he still likes me, I'm a "good kid", but he sees me as the "other man" now, and thinks that I still want her for sex and whatnot.

Well fuck you! Argh... Who the fuck ever said that I still wanted that, huh? The "other man"? I'm her friend! So fuck you! I'm glad I'm a "good kid", that's just fucking fabulous, but the fact is I'm glad you think so little of me as to assume that's what I'm in this friendship for. And the thing is... Argh, this is not really directed at him, though yeah I am fucking pissed off that he said that about me (and don't fucking call me kid with that connotation... Never call me kid and follow it up with a but. That goes for all of you.), and yeah I am somewhat yelling at him... But moreso I am expressing my rage at the prevailing opinion around here, and I am expressing my anguish at the thought of one more opinion expressed of me being the "other man"...

Because you know what? I am, in too many situations. I have a friend, who says it often, and I would previously get mad at him for it, because despite the truth behind it, it still hurts. But you know what? There is so much truth behind it, and I see that now... And I'm done with it. I am so through with being second in anyone's heart, I am absolutely fucking done with being the "other man"... There was a time when I would never had done something like that, when I would have refused to be the cause of strife in someone else's relationship. And then there came a time when I changed my tune, because I felt that I had no right to tell someone who they could and could not be with... And whether that was through sheer desperation, I don't know, but it was a choice I made willingly, with full knowledge of the consequences. And now... I'm going back, and not through any desire to stop causing strife in people's relationships... Frankly, I would be happy with causing as much strife for him as I possibly could. But now... This is for me. This is so that I feel that I'm no longer second best, so that I no longer have to worry about where I stand in a person's affections, so that I can be completely confident in the future that I really am a guy worth trying to keep.

This is for me.

(Addendum: It worked... That and finding an old piece of writing for me to edit have had an immeasurable calming effect. Yay for words.)

And It's All Your State Of Mind...

It's Saturday morning. No, no, Saturday afternoon, whatever, almost the same thing. What matters is that it's Saturday. I'm in that after-drunk state... My mind is cloudy and loopy, I can't really focus on anything... My ears are making everything muffled and distant, I think one of them may be ringing, but I don't care enough to concentrate and check.

I'm not going to get into details about what happened last night... I'm not in the mood to attempt to remember little details. Dane and Kevin and I went to pick up some money from Paul... I ended up downing about three shots of whiskey while I was in the basement, and when I say "downing", what I mean is chugging, because the asshole who said I could have a shot was fairly adamant about me getting one chance at it, and fuck if I'm not going to get as much as I can while I can get it. Upstairs we managed to convince one of the kids to bring us up a glass of the stuff, and I got about two shots from the glass before we left. Downtown, we bought three bottles of wine from Reid's, and drank a bottle each outside the bowling alley. I can distinctly remember listing off the reasons that I loved everyone (Kevin: "Hey! You stopped just before you got to me!"), and... Well, I know a lot happened. I puked outside, which is impressive in that I managed to get all the way down the stairs and open the door before throwing up all over the ground; I'm getting better. I threw up in the alley beside the bowling alley for a while, and then felt immeasurably better. I ended up dry-heaving a little later, sitting on my ass with my legs spread, body bent, wracked with waves of pain until eventually it stopped and I got up, feeling much better about everything. I also know that at some point I started kissing Lucie, without realizing that she had a boyfriend (she told me at some point, to be fair, and I probably paid no mind to it). We kissed, and we held hands as we walked down the street, and she curled up in my lap to sleep at one point, then got up so that I could do the same.

*Sigh* I don't know how to write this... I don't know what I should be saying, how I should be explaining myself, if I should be explaining myself. I mean, I like this girl, I really do... I feel like shit because she has a boyfriend, and the last thing I want to do is screw that up for her at all. I feel even worse if she regrets it, and not because that makes me feel bad about myself, but because it means that I have been a part of a memory that she regrets about herself, and I don't want to do that to her. The thing is... It wasn't because I was drinking. I don't suddenly become a different person when I'm drinking, although I'm quite sure that there are now a bunch of my friends who are of that opinion. I simply become... More of myself when I've had something to drink, and sometimes perhaps more of Chris is too much Chris, I guess I get hard to handle, hard to control, even for myself... And I don't regret anything, but I do things that I feel people think me obligated to regret. The thing is, this is another page in another chapter in my life, and if I had to pick between sitting comfortably on my couch at home, bored out of my skull and missing out on life, or heaving my guts out in an alley in small-town Ontario, you can be damn sure I'll take whatever experiences life will give me. Sometimes when you're sucking the marrow of life you get a sour taste in your mouth... Savour it, because we can never know joy until we know despair, the yin-yang dualism of life is as inescapable as life itself, and frankly, there is so much good mixed in with the bad that we find. The fact is, some people might tell me that I had a bad night last night, that it was nothing to be proud of. And you know what? Maybe, just maybe, I had a bad night, as standards go. But I had a great time.

Besides, always remember that standards are completely objective. To all those that never find themselves retching in an alley on a Friday night, I pity you. As I'm lying on that cold, wet pavement, I'm learning something about humility, about my natural human foolishness, about how to survive myself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he's heaving his guts onto the dirty pavement. Life is too God damned short for us to look down upon one another, because there's a real good chance that one day we'll all have just as much reason to be embarrassed about ourselves, and just as much worry about what others are going to think of us come dawn the morning after (or school on Monday). Which is why I say we do away with embarrassment, we take all the chances that life throws our way, and yeah, we fall on our asses (or knees, if you're trying not to get it on you) a few times... Because you can be damn sure that when you do fall down, I'll be waiting right there to pick you right back up. You can wash puke out of your shoes later; I say that from experience.

So you know what? I will admit that I am worried about what people think of me. There were people with us, last night, who probably had no idea what I do on my own time, and you can bet that this was an eye opening experience for them. And I'm worried that they think less of me, that they will look down upon me, that they are disappointed by my behaviour. And the fact is, I can certainly understand why they would be. Would I, if I were them? No. And I can say that honestly and proudly... No, I would not look down upon me, because I know what it's like, I know how it is, and I think I am now a better person for having known that. I can still remember that one night, with Danielle, walking Paul home, first in a shopping cart, then draped over my shoulders, barely pulling him along... As he turned, and in one great heave, emptied the contents of his stomach upon my shoes... As we dragged him home, and I made up his bed for him, and then dragged him to the toilet, and then re-made his bed after he puked in it again... And I remember the prevailing thought as all this was happening, about how I was better than this, and that feeling of slight superiority over him because of it all. And now... I will never feel that way again. I will never again look down upon him as he lies retching on his kitchen floor. And I am glad, so very glad, to not be that person, to not have that supreme arrogance, to be a changed man. I feel now only love for the down-and-out, the momentarily helpless, because I know who they are... And I feel only joy at being able to help them back onto their feet with the knowledge that I might be doing the exact same thing in five minutes, five days, five years... Because how can we look down upon someone when we've stood in that same trench, made that same mess, survived that same night? And how can we look down upon ourselves when all that's come of those nights are a few ruined articles of clothing and a much deeper appreciation of the human condition?

Look, I've gotten a little preachy here, I can see that. And it may look like I've written all this just to cover my ass for a few foolish things I've done in the past. But the fact is, I've been wanting to say this for a while now, and I'm glad I finally got the chance to do it. I want to thank everyone who's ever helped me out of a tight spot, and everyone friend who's ever understood exactly why I do to myself what I do to myself. And to everyone who has ever learned even the slightest lesson from me, I say: "Don't mention it." I might not always be the best role model (A quote from a conversation last night: "I sometimes catch myself thinking "Is this something that Chris would do?"" "...How many shots have I had?"), but if there's anyone out there that has ever learned from my (poor) example, then it's all been worth it. Besides, it's great fodder for a book!

I hearken back to the motto that I have borrowed from Great Big Sea: "In this beautiful life, there's always some sorrow... And it's a double-edged knife, but there's always tomorrow..."

Sometimes, it's damn healthy to be on the other side of that blade.

(Addendum: I meant to talk about how distant and alone I felt, with only myself in this little bubble to keep me company... And writing this seems to have been the metaphorical equivalent of putting my arm around my own shoulder and going "Hey man, I'm always here for you." Thanks, me.)

Oh Yeah, Oh No!

Before I go on with my post about last night's show, I would ask you all to read these lyrics:

Sometimes when facing common trouble
When whole town is screwed
We become actually human
Act like Prometheus would
Suddenly there is more humor
And a party tabor style
People ringing one another
"Yo man, how was your blackout?"

Suddenly there is more music
Made with the buckets in the park
Girls are dancing with the flashlights
I got only one guitar!
And you see brothers and sisters
All engaged in sport of help
Making merry out of nothing
Like in refugee camp!

Oh yeah, oh no!
It doesn't have to be so
It is possible any time anywhere
Even without any dough!
Oh yeah, oh no!
It doesn't have to be so
The forces of the creative mind are unstoppable!

And you think, "All right, now people
They have finally woked up!"
But as soon as the trouble over
Watch them take another nap
Nobody is making merry
Only trotting scared of boss
Everybody's making hurry
For some old forgotten cause

But one thing is surely eternal
It's condition of a man
Who don't know where he is going
Who don't know where does he stand
Who's dream power is corked bottle
Put away in dry dark place
Who's youth power is well buried
Under propaganda waves

Who's dream life is in opposition
With the life he leads today
Who's beaten down in believing
It just kinda goes this way!

Oh yeah, oh no! It doesn't have to be so
It is possible any time anywhere
Even without any dough!
Oh yeah, oh no! It doesn't have to be so!
The forces of the creative mind are unstoppable!

That is a song called Oh No by Gogol Bordello, who after one listen last night on my way home from the show have become one of my favourite bands out there. In their broken English, they have crafted as perfect a Socialist anthem as I have ever seen... Love and fun and brotherhood are possible with or without money... All it takes is a sense of fellowship and a love for one another. I strongly, strongly urge you to give them a listen... How could any genre called "gypsy punk" ever be bad?

So, the show last night was very, very awesome... Pre-show, Graeme picked Alex, Joey and I up at my house, and we headed out to Newmarket listening to Choking Victim. I downed 2 caffeine pills before we left, and then another one in the car. We stopped off at Harvey's, where I bought a small fries (As that was all I could afford, though Alex offered to pay for my meal), and ate those and a fuckload of pickles (Alex asked for a "substantial wad" of pickles, it was excellent.) I downed my vodka, and then Alex and I shared a slow dance in the middle of Harvey's, where one poor little boy pointed us out to his Dad, who in turn shot us the dirtiest look. We kept dancing.

We got to the show, and the bands were, in order of playing, Riot Control, Crooked Hook, Outbred Inlaws, Buzz Deluxe, the STDs, the Heatskores, and the Expos (the Donuts). Riot Control is a band headed by the friend of a friend (Dave's friend Alex), and though I wasn't expecting too too much, they turned out to be much better than expected. I wouldn't drive all the way to Newmarket to see just them, but I'd also much prefer they opened over a lot of other local bands. Crooked Hook I remember nothing about, except turning to Alex to remark "They are a good filler band!", so the last comment about Riot Control applies to them too. The Outbred Inlaws were very good, very good indeed... The lead singer opened the set with the band's tagline: "Putting the cunt in country". I knew, after this, that they had to be at least half-way competent, and they proved to well exceed that... They were good enough, and fun enough, that I bought one of their CDs (for $3), after borrowing the money off Alex of course. It turns out the lead singer is actually a really nice guy too. Finally, Buzz Deluxe proved to be good psychobilly, and despite the fact that they weren't the STDs (I had thought they were up next), and I had resigned myself to sitting Buzz Deluxe out, I ended up dancing, at least for a little while.

The STDs were up next, and despite the fact that upon the opening chord the pit exploded into violence, and I ended up being punched in the throat and then thrown off to the side, I had a great time during their set. The skanking was a little more violent than I prefer during such a ska-centered band, and some stupid kids were going through the circle for the express purpose of punching people and generally stirring shit up, it ended up being a really, really good set. I don't quite remember, but I believe they opened with Skank it Up, and I don't quite remember, but I believe they closed with My Friend The Criminal (if that is the correct title, I'm not sure). All in all, great set, great band, I will be back.

the Heatskores... Ah, the Heatskores. I was reaaalllyyy excited to see them, as I haven't in a good long while, and they didn't disappoint (as they never do). I don't remember much of their set, only they didn't play Tapioca (sigh) and that the opening of The Day The Heatskores Died was one of the highlights of my night, it was absolutely fantastic.

Finally, the Expos played. At this point, I was completely dead, as was Alex, we were both crashing off our caffeine pills (which we had been taking periodically throughout the show, I don't know how many they had had, but I was up to probably about 8 or 9), and we sat out most of the set on the side, just grooving out to the music. I was somewhat disappointed that the Heatskores hadn't closed, but as soon as I heard the Expos, all those thoughts were pushed out of my mind. They were just so... Good. Mellow, but so, so danceable, and the crowd clearly loved them. The vibe was so different too... No circle skanking, no pushing in the pit, just a mass of kids all dancing and feeling the music. Finally, Alex and I couldn't take it anymore, and had to get up and dance. We ended up sharing another dance in the middle of the crowd, and then just grooved out and skanked until the set was over.

Also, Yvonne Moir (the saxophone player) is probably the hottest woman I have ever seen on a stage, ever. Seriously. If she wasn't going out with that guy from that band... I would still not hit on her, because I'm pretty sure she's about 6 years older than me... Wait, why would that stop me? Because I am a child at heart.

My state during the show varied... The start was excellent, but then I started to cramp up from the caffeine/alcohol-induced dehydration... Finally, my heartburn got so bad that even water started to burn going down. I got punched in the throat as I mentioned before, and got nailed a few times while standing at the front... I got pushed around constantly while trying to skank, and I got launched into the crowd a couple of times. All this is expected at shows though, and it ended up being a really, really excellent show. I saw Shannon again, which was really cool, and I really like her, she's a cool girl. Alex and I did another little sing-along together, and found out we actually harmonize pretty damn well when we're singing together... Our folk-punk band is going to be awesome.

So... Yeah, that's about it. I'm off to listen to Gogol Bordello, and maybe go down to get some lunch later... Or something. I greatly dislike Sundays... But man, do I need a day of rest.

A Mi Manera...

Hm, you know, it's weird... I wanted to write a blog, I've been wanting to write one for a day or two, but I just couldn't seem to get the motivation to do it... I don't know, I've just been in such a good mood lately, my ups seem more up and my downs less down, and I kind of think that that's why I haven't felt like writing. But now... Well, I've kind of been put into a slightly bad mood, a slightly sad state, and it's strange because it's really due to one person accidentally exploiting a strange weakness of mine... And they never could have known, and they certainly never would have done it had they known, because they are one of the sweetest, nicest people that I know... Which is why it hurt all the more. I won't say who it was, because I love them too much, and I certainly won't explain the problem, because... Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed by it. Yes, I was wrong... I guess I do still get embarrassed occasionally.

Now, over to other news... Jill and I. Sometimes the extent to which my emotions and feelings can jerk me around astounds even me, despite their penchant for doing this all my life. I completely forgave her, basically... I'm back to telling her I love her, and I'm back to meaning it completely. The thought that I might have stopped loving her, that that emotion had been killed, was so scary to me... I did not see myself as the kind of guy who would be able to lose that. And apparently... I'm not. I still hold her completely responsible for what she did, but the fact is, I can understand it now too. And I think that if she learned any lesson from it, if I had any part in making her into a better person because of it, then it was all completely worth it.

She reminded me how much I love existentialism, and how much I love egalitarianism... How much I believe in being completely responsible for your actions, how much I believe that we create who we are with every choice that we make, that no one can do it for us... How we can blame no one for the faults within us, how we can only blame ourselves; and yet, blame is not exactly the right word. Blame is so useless... It's recognition that we must have, and from recognition we can bring about change, because everything about us can be changed, the power of the mind can overcome almost any obstacle... You don't like something about yourself? Too timid, too shy, too submissive, too overbearing, too angry, too lazy, too... long winded? Then change it! I cannot blame my parents for the fact that I am lazy... Despite the fact that they never instilled within me a sense of work ethic, by the sheer recognition of that fact I have only myself to blame for that lack of work ethic. She reminded me of how I believe so firmly in equality, across all barriers of sex, race, religion, social background... Everything. How everyone has the potential for such good within them, such good... And such evil as well.

Remember, we create ourselves every second of every minute of every day... Every choice we make tells us who we are; nothing can be taken back, but everything can be made better... Or made worse. No one is a bad person unless they choose to be... And we all must accept responsibility for the total freedom that we have across all spectrum's. We are "condemned to be free", as Sartre once said, and it is this total freedom that scares us into deluding ourselves that we have limits, that there are laws and codes and barriers that impede us from acting freely. And these barriers are not necessarily bad things... I am a pacifist, and that is a barrier that I have created for myself, because it is what I think is right. I accept responsibility for that fact, just as I realize that I could easily break past it, and accept responsibility for that as well.

Urgh, okay, time to get down off my soapbox and go eat supper. What shall I have for supper? Well you see, I am ultimately free to choose whatever I wish for supper, but I must accept responsibility for my cho...

Just kidding.

Music: The Gipsy Kings - A Mi Manera

Thought I Knew What Love Was... What Did I Know?

I just got out of the shower, so I am feeling warm and clean and good... I had a blog completely written in my head while I was in there, but I have since then lost it and I have to start from scratch. The words don't quite flow like they used to, but I think I'm still capable of getting this all out. Basically, Jill and I are through. The story is... Nothing new, and that's really a large part of the problem, the fact that this is simply the kind of shit that has always been happening. Basically, to make a long, convoluted story much shorter, she said some extremely mean things to me, apologized, and then proceeded to tell me that the reason she said them was because he had been upset and she wanted to make him happier.

Now this is all yesterday's news, literterally, in that it happened yesterday. And yesterday I would have told you that I was never going to forgive her, never going to speak to her again. Today... I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm still angry as hell at her, for what she's done to me... But even more what she's done to us. I mean... The thing is, I can pretty much forgive her one day, that's a given; I've never been one for holding a grudge, it's just not something that I do. But the thing is... I'm not sure if I can ever look at her the same way again, knowing what she's done, and what she's capable of doing. And it's sad, because that is kind of one of the reasons I'm almost forgiven her... Because she's shown me that she is by no means perfect. And the thing is, I used to think she was, I really did, and perhaps that's my fault for holding her up to such a high standard... But now I've realized, because of this, that she's only human, and I can frankly get by without her. Things would be better with her in the picture, perhaps, or perhaps they would be worse, it's actually hard to say now.

I think I've stopped loving her.

I think, of all the things that have happened, it's strange that this is the thing that would do it. But, no matter how strange it is, the fact is that I'm not sure if I can ever love her like I used to. Which is a damn shame, because there was so much love there, so much... You have to admit it took a lot of damage to kill that. I mean, this is what... Two break-ups, many large slights made against me, countless little ones... You guys could count it better than I could, because I was blind for so long to the bad things that were happening. But now, I can see it all... And they're standing happily right at the centre of that shit-storm. And I wish them all the best... So long as they remember that sure, right now, what you do to other people doesn't seem to matter, because you have each other and that's all you need... But when the day comes when you don't have each other anymore (and that day will come), you will have to own up to everything you've done. And I won't be there waiting to pick you up when you fall... You can get up yourself this time.

So, how does this apply to any of you guys? Well, there are lessons that we all can, and must, learn from this. Remember that the little things will eventually build up to a big thing... And the longer you let those little things build up, the bigger that ball becomes until eventually it is capable of destroying all that you have created. I let the little things build and build and build, and finally there were just too many of them to ignore, and all it took was that one more medium-sized issue to sink the whole damn ship. Another thing I've realized from this is that it it is really actually possible to kill a feeling, to kill that love that someone feels for you... You can actually wrong them enough so that things will never be the same. Always remember that... Forgiveness is not a sure thing.

So it's a day later, and I still feel this way, this anger and this pity and this sadness for what we lost... And I think that means that I'm going to stay like this. I think I should, too, because I think there comes a point when transgressions deserve to be punished.

So basically, I've forgiven her. But I've forgiven her because I don't wish to have that hate in my heart. A very wise woman once told me that "the world is so much better when you're happy", and that I cannot let them weigh me down... I have to just be happy. So, the fact is, I've forgiven her, because they are not worth the extra baggage that it would take to be angry at them. I have forgiven her because she has made it so much easier to move on, now that she has shown me the kinds of things she does... I don't want a girl who would do those things to other people, and I sure as fuck don't want a girl who would do those things to me.

And... My God. I just had the weirdest sensation of having a weight taken off my shoulders. It was so cliched, but I was sitting there, thinking about how this was a weight off my shoulders, and all of a sudden it was... I went from reasonably happy (for a Monday morning) to very, very happy (for a Monday morning). I mean, at first I was afraid... Shit, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without her by my side... But then I spent a single night just thinking how she did me wrong... And I grew strong! I learned how to get along...

I wiiiillllll surrrrrvvvvviiiiivvvvveeeeeee...

She always hated that song...

God I love that song.

Music: Don Henly - The Boys of Summer (acoustic)

You Sit Back, You Smile, And This Is What You Hum...

I missed my blogging anniversary. It was on the 27th... It's been a whole year since I started this. If anyone cares to see how all this started, you can head over to my Myspace page... I was reading them over last night, and I was pretty pleased with my writing... I mean, I think I've improved, of course, but I wasn't cringing in shame, so I wasn't doing too bad back then.

I haven't been posting lately, which is for a number of reasons. One, the main reason, is because nothing is really happening in my life right now. The thing is, I only really post when big events are happening in my life or, like now, just to let you guys know that I'm still alive. The thing is, I've had people tell me lately that I seem to only write when I'm sad, and I actually believed this too... But I realized, reading through my old blogs, that that is not exactly true. I've written some very, very happy stuff, when things were going my way. The fact that a lot of the stuff I have been writing lately has been upset and depressed is mainly due to the fact that shit just wasn't going my way lately... I had a break-up, the whole Brianne thing... Of course the stuff I write is going to be depressed. The stuff before that? Well, look at the situation I was in... I had a right to be upset. Now, granted, I could have, and should have changed that situation, because I am a firm believer in taking the blame for anything that you can blame yourself for; that's existentialism for you. But, hey, I'm 17... I don't have all the answers. I don't even know what the questions are!

The thing is, that's the reason you guys never see me happy. When I am just in a regular sad mood, when I'm depressed, I write, because it is cathartic. When I'm in a regular happy mood, which is most of the time, I don't post about it because it is my default emotional state, and it is nothing new. I only really post when I have something to say. I whine and write about sad stuff so that I don't have to whine about it in real life.

Now the thing is, people have called me emo for this blog, and this used to make me angry, because I am most certainly not. Emotional? Yes. Emo? No. And don't even try to tell me that it's the same thing, because we are all aware of the negative connotations that "emo" carries. But, anyway, I used to get angry at this, until I realized that that is partially my fault. I have given you guys a skewed view of me as a person. By posting about this sad stuff all the time, I give the view that I am always sad. This is very untrue, but that's how it seems. So for that, I am sorry... Just realize that, in reading this blog, that you get a picture of me as a person... But it is not the complete picture, by any means.

Jill was talking to me about some relationship problems with Josh the other day, and I actually felt a genuine desire to help her, rather than yell at her and tell her that this was all her fault anyway, as I would have wished to do up until not too long ago. She told me that Josh was trying to change her, and one of those changes was not being friends with me anymore. I told her that you do not try to change the people you love... If you like someone, if you are satisfied with someone, you do not try to change that person. That seems reasonable, right? I mean, we're not going to stop being friends, that's a simple fact... Why quibble about it. Yeah, you know what, I might go down and see her again, and he'll have to live with the fact that he has to trust her for that weekend, on her own. That's how it goes.

It's raining out, I fucking hate the rain... I do not like getting wet. I have to walk to school to get some work done in yearbook... But, that 40 is calling my name too... Oh well, we'll see what happens. I'm not technically on the clock today, so it's my call. Sweet...

Vaya con amor, my friends;

Christopher.

Music: Catch-22 - 1234, 1234