Just Give Me One More Try...

Alright. I think, first off, I need to apologize to some people, all the people who I was somewhat of an asshole to last night, and this morning as well. I think... yeah, you'll all probably be reading this, everyone who matters anyway, and that gives me a good opportunity to say... well, sorry. I'm going to explain here what I couldn't explain there, that being why I was being such a jerk, and whether or not my reasons are good enough is up for you to decide. But... sorry.

I actually started off having a really good night last night. Before everything fell apart, I was actually having a really, really good night. Everyone was wonderful. I think it was about the time that Kevin took his leave of absence that my night kind of dropped off. It's weird, you know? I have this huge motherly instinct... my greatest joy at a party is taking care of the people who need it. It makes me, on some base level, feel important, needed, loved. But sometimes... well, when other people are doing that instead of me, it upsets me greatly. I can't exactly explain it, you know? It's just... it's not exactly that I think they're stealing my thunder, though I will admit that in a way I am selfish like that, it's more... it's the feeling needed. Important. It feels like I should be the one to take care of my best mate, you know? He'd be doing the same for me. He *has* done the same for me. And when it's someone else, it's that feeling like... "shit. He doesn't really need me..." You know? And... I just started to feel kind of alone, unnecessary, unwanted.

When I came back to the group, my mood unfortunately did not abate. It's safe to say I was seeing the world in twos, and not because I was drunk either. Everywhere I looked, there was someone with someone else. Not exactly "with" someone else, it's not like most people were kissing or anything, but... you know what I mean. It was like everybody had paired off and I had missed that boat by a mile. My mind did a slight bit of exaggeration, I'm sure, but... there was that definite atmosphere that I was missing out on. That's when I really started to fall apart. I remember smashing a big stick into a tree over and over, trying to stab it. I remember trying to stick my foot in the fire to see if I could maybe burn it, but in the end I couldn't take the heat. I remember going down to the lake a wading in up to my knees, throwing rocks every once in a while in the hope that someone would get concerned and think I had fallen in. I distinctly remember stumbling down the road to the park, half mad from my wine, bawling my eyes out, then laughing in that self-deprecating tone that I absolutely *hate* taking with myself, and finally laying down by a tree and continuing my little crying jag. I thought maybe I would sleep there and wait for someone to come get me, and I actually passed out there for a good 15 minutes, before I realized that no one was going to come. No one had any idea I had left. This was my fault and no one else's of course, but it was depressing nevertheless, to say the least.

Anyway. I didn't have a good night. Despite the fact that the party was wonderful. It's sad that, in such a good atmosphere, friends and drink and fun, that I can still manage to get so depressed. I think that was the start of another good bout of depression though, I can definitely feel it coming on. Guys, I promise I'll be more fun next time.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie in bed and feel unwanted. God I can be pathetic sometimes.

(Addendum: I feel... moderately better.)

(Addendum: Alright, it was good to get that out. I feel a good deal better now.)