For They Say You Are Taking The Sunshine...

I was... so... close... to everything I wanted. I am... the comparison to Icarus seems perfect to me now. I just... I got, for a moment, what I wanted. And I enjoyed it too much. I flew too close to the sun... I invested, as always, my whole heart, exactly as Dad told me not to. I think I was falling in love. No, I can remember the feelings my heart made, the way she held my hand, the nervousness that accompanied each movement... I know I was. Which is why a lot of this is my fault. I had known the girl for a week... did I expect that she felt like I did? That she would just throw all her eggs in one basket? No. I damned the consequences, and these are them. Life tries to teach me caution, and I stubbornly resist. And in the end, I reap exactly what I sow.

I got caught up in thinking about the future. I imagined visiting her at university. I imagined all the things we'd do. I can't shake the feeling of how perfect she was. I mean, I can't imagine a girl who not only had so much in common with me, but actually managed to also be too pretty to be in my league, and intelligent enough that I questioned myself sometimes. That's the main problem here... I kind of forgot about any crush I had prior to her. Everyone else seems... dull. Forgive me, friends, but... it just seems that everyone is that little more boring now. Everything is that little more grey. Like, I know that I am going to survive. I will live, and laugh, and be happy another day. But the nagging, no, gnawing feeling is there that... I would have been happier. The laughs would have been that much more joyous. The happiness would have been that much sweeter. I... I never met a girl whose methods of hand holding so completely mirrored mine. Isn't that weird? It's little details like that that are destroying me right now. All the little things...

And the happiness we had. We were so happy! How can that have been wrong? I guess... I was happy. She can't have been as happy as I was. I was a fool to think she had been. I didn't pay enough attention to her. I... She says this is her fault. You guys will say that too, because you have more loyalty towards me than her. But don't you understand that I actually, honestly have many well reasoned points as to why this is my fault? A week. I was falling in love after a week. She never signed up for that. She just got unlucky.

I held it together, right up until the end. I took it like a champ. I guess it's because... I still hoped. I still thought, good old Chris could still sweep her off her feet. And the sad thing is? I still, in some dark recess of my mind, have some hope. That things will not work out for them, that I will be there, and I will have that second chance. But that hope... it brings me nothing but pain, because I know that it is stupid and false, and it's just the childish attempt of my mind to cling on to something happy. It's so pathetic to see, when the rest of my mind has already seen the abyss, and that one little part is still just trying... to hold... on...

But the rest of me has already seen the truth. I did break, in the end, and indeed I stand before you a broken man. The world seems a slightly smaller, darker place, and I seem slightly more alone, and distant. I become more jaded by the second, and that pains me as much as this. No amount of crying gets me past the fact that maybe, next time, I'll put a little less of my heart into things. That is the worst lesson of all.