I Come Like Water...

I just left MSN because I can't concentrate enough to talk and write at the same time. I'm in one of my low states, my very low states... I'm on the verge of tears, to be honest, and it's weird... Because I really have nothing to be sad about. And being sad when you shouldn't be is the worst feeling of all... Because it is then that you realize that you're really at the mercy of a chemical imbalance in your brain, and there's nothing anyone can do. And at those moments, when you feel so isolated from everyone else... You are all alone. All alone, all alone, all alone...

It was weird, as I was talking to Jill tonight, and she gave what I felt was the first meaningful apology from her, the first real, actual justification for what had happened between us... I told her "I had never had anyone treat me so well, and then so terribly", and she told me that she still didn't know why she did it. And I told her, "You didn't know what you were doing. None of us knew what we were doing..." And that statement, which to me seemed terribly poetic, almost brought me to tears, and I don't know why. It's like that Don Henly song, "The Boys of Summer", the acoustic version, and the poignancy of his voice as he looks back on days he'll never change always chokes me up. I love poignancy, even when it's breaking my heart.

I decided to forgive Jill, because I can't carry that anger with me. I let karma have its run now... And I hope that one day she makes it up to someone, not me, but I hope that one day she and someone else find happiness, and I help her with a little part of that, even if it's only a memory of me that helps her along.

I've been really crazy lately. The last few days... My mania has progressed to the point where I was truly, honestly, bouncing-off-the-God-damned-walls manic. Literally. I blame it on the over-stimulation of being back with everyone at school. Actually, I don't completely blame it on that... It's almost like it's getting worse. Which is terribly exciting, to be honest... It feels like it's building up to a certain point. I've hit a low point in that cycle (I hate it when I call them that, because they're not cyclic at all, they're random), and the high I'm sure I'll hit tomorrow has me almost nervous with excitement. It's weird... If I build up to a certain point and explode, I hope I'm bouncing off the walls when I'm doing it.

I was weird out the Grade 11's who are in our Grade 12 English class today. I was having a good laugh, but inside, I was kind of questioning why I was doing it. Was it because I felt stir-crazy and trapped and needed something new to do? Yes. Was it because they are pretty cool people and I felt the need to be near them? Yes. Was it because they are new, and I want them to always know who I am, always be able to point me out, always remember me, if nothing more than that crazy guy in their English class, so that if I were to die tomorrow I might have a few more people to remember me? Convoluted, but a resounding yes. Like I always say... "If you can't be famous, be infamous." A horrible thing to live by, but I want people to know my name.

It was funny, I knew I was weirding them out... And Molly said that I was creepy, and it almost humbled me, because for a moment I was really, actually, honest-to-God worried about what she thought of me. Strange... I laugh at the Grade 11's. I go out of my way to make myself seem as strange and interesting as possible to them. Most of them. What makes me worried about what she thinks? Oh well, either way, creepy or not, she was being very nice to me today after she read my blog, so perhaps I'm not that weird.

I feel bad for Carolyn. I'm quite upset, so naturally I want to creep into my shell, because that's what I always did and always have done, and I don't know how to tell her that there's nothing she can do for me, because I would be mad if someone said that to me, and I know that it hurts her to hear me say that I jut don't want to talk... The last thing I want is to feel like a bad boyfriend again. I feel bad, as I've said to her, because she never knew what she was getting herself into... I am one weird, quirky, emotional guy. Not conventional in the least. And she had no idea. God have mercy on her.

"I come like water, and like the wind I go". I want to live by that creed. I want every minute to count, because you never know when I'm just going to get up and leave, walk away, get the hell out of Dodge, etc. I want every moment to have such poignancy (fucking overuse of words), I want every second to count, I want every goodbye to be the last. I took a test once, most likely way to die, and it said that I would wander off and never be seen again. I completely agreed. I find goodbyes so hard, because they always feel like the last, so I have a habit of not making them. I just leave. I'm sorry for that. Let's make every moment count... Let's make every goodbye a tearful one.

I want to curl up in bed and cry. Instead, I think I'll kick around the internet for a little while longer. And then? I make no promises either way.