Growing Up In Spanish Harlem...

So, here I am. Last week was a rough week... Or, well, it seemed like it was a rough week, and it most certainly was, the opening salvo of it at least. But, I am constantly reminded of those lines in 5 Days in May by Blue Rodeo, the lines that have always stuck with me, through good times and bad, letting me know that things simply never stay bad for long...

Sometimes the world begins
To set you up on your feet again
And oh, it wipes the tears from your eyes...
How will you ever know
The way that circumstances go?
Always gonna hit you by surprise...

And indeed, the world did begin again, and it did wipe the tears from my eyes. And my God, was it ever a surprise.

I don't know how to tell the story, because there are a few distinct parts to it, things that I feel bad about, things that I should own up to, things that I want to justify... but I don't know how much of it is supposed to be told. I can only say I'm sorry to that one person, and that I never meant for things to go that way... He is probably my best friend, and the way that things happened... I wish it hadn't have been like that. It's just, we started talking, and we were so compatible, and... I knew you thought she was cool, but she had stressed to me that it was just a friends thing... And to be honest, I'll tell you something that I'm pretty sure I've only ever told one person before... I've always been jealous of you. You've always been better with women, you've always met more women... Hell, you've introduced me to half the girls I now call friends, I'm sure. Not to mention you get better marks, you're more driven, you have a hell of a lot more initiative... The fact was, I knew you thought she was cool, but I didn't know to what extent. I figured, you had your pick of all these girls... And she was so amazing, and so like me, that I couldn't just say "Well, I really like you, but..." Because the fact was, you pursuing her wouldn't have done any good. We can fight feelings... And to deny them like that is the worst thing we can do. Unrequited love is bad enough... But unrequited love on both sides? That borders on the ridiculous. So I figured, you have all these girls, or could have all these girls, that it wasn't such a bad thing for me to have just one that liked me. I didn't know what the consequences were going to be... So I'm sorry. This wasn't revenge, this wasn't spite, this wasn't willful... I just really, really, really like her.

Her... I've skipped far ahead of myself now, I'm introducing characters left right and centre with no clarifying dramatis personae. It came to pass that I started talking to this girl... This wonderful, beautiful, funny, intelligent girl. Of course I liked her. How could I not? And, wonder of wonders, she liked me too! I was absolutely spellbound by her... When she invited me to come to the movies, I could not refuse.

Maria.

Even just the name evokes images and feelings and words... But it's still so woefully inadequate. I don't know what to say about her without feeling like I've somehow let her down... It's just, she's... Everything others have not been. Honestly, upon describing her to people, they immediately say that she sounds perfect for me... And they're right! Look at a picture of her... Or, you know, do it over and over like I do. Isn't she beautiful? Well, want to hear the crazy part? She's actually more beautiful in person. I've never seen that happen... Someone who looks as wonderful as she does actually managing to top herself in person. I was actually struck upon walking in the door... I'm fairly amazed that I managed to not trip over my tongue, let alone talk to her. And she's so much like me... she's cuddly and soft, and she likes anime, and video games, and philosophy, and... Ah!

It's weird, you know? With Jill, things were always so tumultuous that in the back of my mind I was always wondering "Hm, when's this going to end?" And with Carolyn, I was having my doubts, and that ever present insecurity was always so strong... But with Maria, no. No. I don't even know... under what circumstances... no. I don't see why, soon, later, ever. Why? There is no good reason.

We watched Bridge to Terabithia, and I cried, hard, and she wiped my tears away... And it was then that I was pretty sure I had fallen in love with her. And I've told people this, she is the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful girl that I have ever been almost positive that I have fallen for harder than I ever have previous. And her friends sound wonderful, they sound like my kind of people, and there is so much out there for us, limitless possibilities... My heart just swells, races and pounds, whenever I think about it. I told her, not soon after we had met, that if she wasn't careful she'd probably give me a heart attack (damn high pulse)... Well, she's still doing it. If she ever wants to get rid of me, all the has to do is kiss me until I die... I don't think it would take that long.

Ha, I've already looked at bus schedules to Pickering.

What are we going to do with me?

(Also, she corrected my spelling and/or grammar on MSN once. How cool is that?)

(Guess what song my title is from and win a prize! I always did love that song.)