For They Say You Are Taking The Sunshine...

I was... so... close... to everything I wanted. I am... the comparison to Icarus seems perfect to me now. I just... I got, for a moment, what I wanted. And I enjoyed it too much. I flew too close to the sun... I invested, as always, my whole heart, exactly as Dad told me not to. I think I was falling in love. No, I can remember the feelings my heart made, the way she held my hand, the nervousness that accompanied each movement... I know I was. Which is why a lot of this is my fault. I had known the girl for a week... did I expect that she felt like I did? That she would just throw all her eggs in one basket? No. I damned the consequences, and these are them. Life tries to teach me caution, and I stubbornly resist. And in the end, I reap exactly what I sow.

I got caught up in thinking about the future. I imagined visiting her at university. I imagined all the things we'd do. I can't shake the feeling of how perfect she was. I mean, I can't imagine a girl who not only had so much in common with me, but actually managed to also be too pretty to be in my league, and intelligent enough that I questioned myself sometimes. That's the main problem here... I kind of forgot about any crush I had prior to her. Everyone else seems... dull. Forgive me, friends, but... it just seems that everyone is that little more boring now. Everything is that little more grey. Like, I know that I am going to survive. I will live, and laugh, and be happy another day. But the nagging, no, gnawing feeling is there that... I would have been happier. The laughs would have been that much more joyous. The happiness would have been that much sweeter. I... I never met a girl whose methods of hand holding so completely mirrored mine. Isn't that weird? It's little details like that that are destroying me right now. All the little things...

And the happiness we had. We were so happy! How can that have been wrong? I guess... I was happy. She can't have been as happy as I was. I was a fool to think she had been. I didn't pay enough attention to her. I... She says this is her fault. You guys will say that too, because you have more loyalty towards me than her. But don't you understand that I actually, honestly have many well reasoned points as to why this is my fault? A week. I was falling in love after a week. She never signed up for that. She just got unlucky.

I held it together, right up until the end. I took it like a champ. I guess it's because... I still hoped. I still thought, good old Chris could still sweep her off her feet. And the sad thing is? I still, in some dark recess of my mind, have some hope. That things will not work out for them, that I will be there, and I will have that second chance. But that hope... it brings me nothing but pain, because I know that it is stupid and false, and it's just the childish attempt of my mind to cling on to something happy. It's so pathetic to see, when the rest of my mind has already seen the abyss, and that one little part is still just trying... to hold... on...

But the rest of me has already seen the truth. I did break, in the end, and indeed I stand before you a broken man. The world seems a slightly smaller, darker place, and I seem slightly more alone, and distant. I become more jaded by the second, and that pains me as much as this. No amount of crying gets me past the fact that maybe, next time, I'll put a little less of my heart into things. That is the worst lesson of all.

But I Have Been Happy The Past Couple Days...

I've been... pretty damn happy for the past couple days. The past week, even. It's all pretty much the doing of one person too, and that's pretty remarkable in itself. Like, I seriously can't imagine a cooler girl... how does she manage to have so much in common with me? We decided we were twins before, and I'm sort of glad that's not true now...

Things are so uncertain too. I'm so self-doubting... I always assume she'll come to her senses at some point. It hasn't happened yet though... Of course, we're on a bit of a constricted time-frame here... She leaves for University soon. Two weeks? Something like that. What happens after that? I don't know, and that is so worrying. It's really up to her... and that worries me even more, because, in the end, I will let her make the decision, for better or for worse. Placing my trust in someone else is so scary, but... I can't think of a better person to give it to. Being young is so awesome...

So, there you go. An update on my life, as rare as that is. There's this girl, and she's the girl of my dreams. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am throwing myself headfirst (heartfirst, rather), not looking before I leap, and damning the consequences.

As a very wise man once said, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

I have had... A good night!

I played some tennis. Lost a lot. Not a good night for me. Swore profusely, kicked things, and got generally upset.

Met Marianne. I was already in such a bad mood, and Dave went to see who it was, and started talking to them, and I was like "Oh God, it's Marianne and her brother. Don't let it be Marianne and her brother... fuck." I barely said anything, because I was in such a bad mood, but did not want to betray that fact...

Consequently, I was very upset with how our first meeting went. Whatever.

I was pretty upset, more so than I had been before, but eventually I talked to Dave about it and immediately felt a little better. Things only got better from there.

We picked up Alex, had fun, went to see an old girl of Dave's (soul sucking experience), had fun, played tennis, had fun, walked around, had fun... dropped Alex off, had fun.

Came back to Dave's, grabbed some beers, and shot the shit. It was great, just talking, looking at the stars, and drinking. I'm going to miss those guys.

Came back inside, and was extremely happy that the internet was back on. Then I found out Marianne wasn't on, and I was extremely disappointed. Seriously, I went on the internet for two reasons, and this is the second.

So, no one important is on. I have to pee. Then we're stealing Josh's laptop, watching Hot Fuzz, and sleeping. Good plan, Stan, good plan. (Heh. Dave's clearing the bed as I type.)

There have been some notable exceptions. But overall... this day has been a good one.

(Addendum: I spelled two things wrong before Dave caught them. Damn.)

Just Give Me One More Try...

Alright. I think, first off, I need to apologize to some people, all the people who I was somewhat of an asshole to last night, and this morning as well. I think... yeah, you'll all probably be reading this, everyone who matters anyway, and that gives me a good opportunity to say... well, sorry. I'm going to explain here what I couldn't explain there, that being why I was being such a jerk, and whether or not my reasons are good enough is up for you to decide. But... sorry.

I actually started off having a really good night last night. Before everything fell apart, I was actually having a really, really good night. Everyone was wonderful. I think it was about the time that Kevin took his leave of absence that my night kind of dropped off. It's weird, you know? I have this huge motherly instinct... my greatest joy at a party is taking care of the people who need it. It makes me, on some base level, feel important, needed, loved. But sometimes... well, when other people are doing that instead of me, it upsets me greatly. I can't exactly explain it, you know? It's just... it's not exactly that I think they're stealing my thunder, though I will admit that in a way I am selfish like that, it's more... it's the feeling needed. Important. It feels like I should be the one to take care of my best mate, you know? He'd be doing the same for me. He *has* done the same for me. And when it's someone else, it's that feeling like... "shit. He doesn't really need me..." You know? And... I just started to feel kind of alone, unnecessary, unwanted.

When I came back to the group, my mood unfortunately did not abate. It's safe to say I was seeing the world in twos, and not because I was drunk either. Everywhere I looked, there was someone with someone else. Not exactly "with" someone else, it's not like most people were kissing or anything, but... you know what I mean. It was like everybody had paired off and I had missed that boat by a mile. My mind did a slight bit of exaggeration, I'm sure, but... there was that definite atmosphere that I was missing out on. That's when I really started to fall apart. I remember smashing a big stick into a tree over and over, trying to stab it. I remember trying to stick my foot in the fire to see if I could maybe burn it, but in the end I couldn't take the heat. I remember going down to the lake a wading in up to my knees, throwing rocks every once in a while in the hope that someone would get concerned and think I had fallen in. I distinctly remember stumbling down the road to the park, half mad from my wine, bawling my eyes out, then laughing in that self-deprecating tone that I absolutely *hate* taking with myself, and finally laying down by a tree and continuing my little crying jag. I thought maybe I would sleep there and wait for someone to come get me, and I actually passed out there for a good 15 minutes, before I realized that no one was going to come. No one had any idea I had left. This was my fault and no one else's of course, but it was depressing nevertheless, to say the least.

Anyway. I didn't have a good night. Despite the fact that the party was wonderful. It's sad that, in such a good atmosphere, friends and drink and fun, that I can still manage to get so depressed. I think that was the start of another good bout of depression though, I can definitely feel it coming on. Guys, I promise I'll be more fun next time.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go lie in bed and feel unwanted. God I can be pathetic sometimes.

(Addendum: I feel... moderately better.)

(Addendum: Alright, it was good to get that out. I feel a good deal better now.)