Growing Up In Spanish Harlem...

So, here I am. Last week was a rough week... Or, well, it seemed like it was a rough week, and it most certainly was, the opening salvo of it at least. But, I am constantly reminded of those lines in 5 Days in May by Blue Rodeo, the lines that have always stuck with me, through good times and bad, letting me know that things simply never stay bad for long...

Sometimes the world begins
To set you up on your feet again
And oh, it wipes the tears from your eyes...
How will you ever know
The way that circumstances go?
Always gonna hit you by surprise...

And indeed, the world did begin again, and it did wipe the tears from my eyes. And my God, was it ever a surprise.

I don't know how to tell the story, because there are a few distinct parts to it, things that I feel bad about, things that I should own up to, things that I want to justify... but I don't know how much of it is supposed to be told. I can only say I'm sorry to that one person, and that I never meant for things to go that way... He is probably my best friend, and the way that things happened... I wish it hadn't have been like that. It's just, we started talking, and we were so compatible, and... I knew you thought she was cool, but she had stressed to me that it was just a friends thing... And to be honest, I'll tell you something that I'm pretty sure I've only ever told one person before... I've always been jealous of you. You've always been better with women, you've always met more women... Hell, you've introduced me to half the girls I now call friends, I'm sure. Not to mention you get better marks, you're more driven, you have a hell of a lot more initiative... The fact was, I knew you thought she was cool, but I didn't know to what extent. I figured, you had your pick of all these girls... And she was so amazing, and so like me, that I couldn't just say "Well, I really like you, but..." Because the fact was, you pursuing her wouldn't have done any good. We can fight feelings... And to deny them like that is the worst thing we can do. Unrequited love is bad enough... But unrequited love on both sides? That borders on the ridiculous. So I figured, you have all these girls, or could have all these girls, that it wasn't such a bad thing for me to have just one that liked me. I didn't know what the consequences were going to be... So I'm sorry. This wasn't revenge, this wasn't spite, this wasn't willful... I just really, really, really like her.

Her... I've skipped far ahead of myself now, I'm introducing characters left right and centre with no clarifying dramatis personae. It came to pass that I started talking to this girl... This wonderful, beautiful, funny, intelligent girl. Of course I liked her. How could I not? And, wonder of wonders, she liked me too! I was absolutely spellbound by her... When she invited me to come to the movies, I could not refuse.

Maria.

Even just the name evokes images and feelings and words... But it's still so woefully inadequate. I don't know what to say about her without feeling like I've somehow let her down... It's just, she's... Everything others have not been. Honestly, upon describing her to people, they immediately say that she sounds perfect for me... And they're right! Look at a picture of her... Or, you know, do it over and over like I do. Isn't she beautiful? Well, want to hear the crazy part? She's actually more beautiful in person. I've never seen that happen... Someone who looks as wonderful as she does actually managing to top herself in person. I was actually struck upon walking in the door... I'm fairly amazed that I managed to not trip over my tongue, let alone talk to her. And she's so much like me... she's cuddly and soft, and she likes anime, and video games, and philosophy, and... Ah!

It's weird, you know? With Jill, things were always so tumultuous that in the back of my mind I was always wondering "Hm, when's this going to end?" And with Carolyn, I was having my doubts, and that ever present insecurity was always so strong... But with Maria, no. No. I don't even know... under what circumstances... no. I don't see why, soon, later, ever. Why? There is no good reason.

We watched Bridge to Terabithia, and I cried, hard, and she wiped my tears away... And it was then that I was pretty sure I had fallen in love with her. And I've told people this, she is the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful girl that I have ever been almost positive that I have fallen for harder than I ever have previous. And her friends sound wonderful, they sound like my kind of people, and there is so much out there for us, limitless possibilities... My heart just swells, races and pounds, whenever I think about it. I told her, not soon after we had met, that if she wasn't careful she'd probably give me a heart attack (damn high pulse)... Well, she's still doing it. If she ever wants to get rid of me, all the has to do is kiss me until I die... I don't think it would take that long.

Ha, I've already looked at bus schedules to Pickering.

What are we going to do with me?

(Also, she corrected my spelling and/or grammar on MSN once. How cool is that?)

(Guess what song my title is from and win a prize! I always did love that song.)

Memoirs of an Exile, or Lent's Lament, or Hello Blue Wednesday

I should be doing my homework, I suppose... That library assignment is sneering at me from the side of the desk, and it lies only half done, a true testament to my apathy... But, I can do homework any time. I don't want to lose the urge to blog... I want to get something down so I can prove that I'm not completely dead.

I shouldn't even really be on the computer... But I'm doing "homework". Thank God homework is good for something, if nothing other than for lying to my Mother.

I'm actually resisting listening to Cloud Cult because I think it might cheer me up a bit... I have to stay depressed so that I can write why I'm depressed. Temporary solutions will come later.

Of course, I'm not completely sure why... Well, I am, but I'm not, and I am. It's... Well, it's confusing. That's fairly obvious.

Part of it is the fact that I'm lonely... Of course I'm lonely. I'm usually lonely. But that's okay. It's just that... I don't know, I long to just be able to cuddle up with someone who loves me, who I love, or even... Just a mutual feeling of happiness, you know? I'm not asking for love. I want love, but I'm not asking for it. I just want to be... Curled up with my friends, watching movies. At Lee's curled up with Carrie, with Deanna beside me, and Dave and Claire close by... That was the most comfortable I've been in a long, long time. That is what I want, all the time.

It's weird, being single again, worrying again about girls. I decided, after I broke up with Carolyn, that I wasn't going to worry about girls for a while. Fat chance... That didn't last long. There are girls I like, that I'm scared to tell... There are girls I might like, that I'm scared to talk to... It's weird, to be scared again, because I thought for a moment that I had gotten past that, or had at least gained some semblance of courage, but I find myself again paralyzed by fear, convinced that it's probably just better to wait it out. Except... It's probably not.

I've been somewhat self-conscious lately. I've been cycling a lot, more than usual... I'm hitting highs and lows a lot more often these days, and a lot more intensely. I don't know why... And I like it and all, I always have, but it seems to me that it's almost getting to be too much now, you know? That I'm too weird, that I'm coming off too strong, that people are going to think that I'm simply playing a part, that I'm acting, that I'm trying to get people to like me, to remember me. And the thing is... of course I am. I am always secure in the knowledge that, love me, hate me or extremely annoyed by me (most should be), I will be damn hard to forget. But... Well, I'm worried about being annoying, you know? I'm worried that I've gotten too odd, too fast, and that people meeting me, or people who don't know me well enough, are going to be turned off by me, not give me a chance. And I want everyone to love me, y'know, every damn person... And I want them to give me half a chance to love them, and half a chance to prove myself. That's all I'll need.

I almost want a crisis, I want to prove that I am not nearly as useless and trivial as people might think... That I am cool under fire, that I can lead charismatically and with conviction, that when the chips are down you really can count on me, if at no other time than that. I long for chaos... But I always have. I just want some excitement.

I gave up masturbation for Lent. I'm also going to attempt to not shave for 40 days. I'm going to try the fast, too... I call it "Slimming Down for Jesus". Really, I'm just doing this out of respect to the J-man... The Sermon on the Mount is pretty much a perfect Humanist manifesto. Kind of. Minus the stuff about God. And religion. Also... I just wanna see if I can do it.

So, in summation: I don't want to be lonely. There are girls I like, but fear approaching. I am self-conscious, and worry that people don't or won't like me. I want respect. I want love.

I'm really good at being a teenager.

(Seriously though... These mood-swings have reached roller coaster-like proportions. It's... worrying.)

(Also, the title of this is a Vonnegut reference, in both style and something specific. See if you can catch it. (I sometimes forget that Vonnegut is probably one of my favourite human beings to ever walk this earth, and I will weep and drink in equal amounts when he leaves this earth. I want to see him speak. Remind me to mail him sometime.))

Voices of a Distant Star...

This shall be my last transmission for a while. I am grounded for two weeks, apparently... The details shall be given later. No computer, no going out, nothing.

Essentially, I am on the razor's edge of being kicked out, and even fucking closer to just walking out and seeing who will take me in. My Mom threatened to phone the cops on me tonight, and instead settled for calling my Dad and telling him she wanted me out of her house.

My sister proceeded to taunt me, and also lost my copy of Office Space, so I very nearly hit her about 5 minutes ago.

Now, I feel utterly alone, alone and cut off from the world...

I used to have a girlfriend to call, but then life fucked that up. Now all I have to do is sit, and wait.

I'm not sure what to do with this shaking rage though.

I will be going out tomorrow... Mom and I made an agreement, and she's going to fucking follow through on it. I don't care if she kicks me out for it... She made an agreement.

I get the feeling that everyone is going to drift away from me now... You know how you get that feeling? I have that feeling.

I'm certainly not the first kid to get grounded... I know it seems like I'm overreacting... But the thing is, I don't allow groundings, unless I think they're justified... And I don't think I did anything wrong. But, if I don't obey... I'm out. And I can't afford an apartment (oh, if I could...).

I had planned to write a real entry tonight too. Damn.I have to go... If I get caught on here, I am shanked.

And I already feel lonely...

Adios, amigos.

I Come Like Water...

I just left MSN because I can't concentrate enough to talk and write at the same time. I'm in one of my low states, my very low states... I'm on the verge of tears, to be honest, and it's weird... Because I really have nothing to be sad about. And being sad when you shouldn't be is the worst feeling of all... Because it is then that you realize that you're really at the mercy of a chemical imbalance in your brain, and there's nothing anyone can do. And at those moments, when you feel so isolated from everyone else... You are all alone. All alone, all alone, all alone...

It was weird, as I was talking to Jill tonight, and she gave what I felt was the first meaningful apology from her, the first real, actual justification for what had happened between us... I told her "I had never had anyone treat me so well, and then so terribly", and she told me that she still didn't know why she did it. And I told her, "You didn't know what you were doing. None of us knew what we were doing..." And that statement, which to me seemed terribly poetic, almost brought me to tears, and I don't know why. It's like that Don Henly song, "The Boys of Summer", the acoustic version, and the poignancy of his voice as he looks back on days he'll never change always chokes me up. I love poignancy, even when it's breaking my heart.

I decided to forgive Jill, because I can't carry that anger with me. I let karma have its run now... And I hope that one day she makes it up to someone, not me, but I hope that one day she and someone else find happiness, and I help her with a little part of that, even if it's only a memory of me that helps her along.

I've been really crazy lately. The last few days... My mania has progressed to the point where I was truly, honestly, bouncing-off-the-God-damned-walls manic. Literally. I blame it on the over-stimulation of being back with everyone at school. Actually, I don't completely blame it on that... It's almost like it's getting worse. Which is terribly exciting, to be honest... It feels like it's building up to a certain point. I've hit a low point in that cycle (I hate it when I call them that, because they're not cyclic at all, they're random), and the high I'm sure I'll hit tomorrow has me almost nervous with excitement. It's weird... If I build up to a certain point and explode, I hope I'm bouncing off the walls when I'm doing it.

I was weird out the Grade 11's who are in our Grade 12 English class today. I was having a good laugh, but inside, I was kind of questioning why I was doing it. Was it because I felt stir-crazy and trapped and needed something new to do? Yes. Was it because they are pretty cool people and I felt the need to be near them? Yes. Was it because they are new, and I want them to always know who I am, always be able to point me out, always remember me, if nothing more than that crazy guy in their English class, so that if I were to die tomorrow I might have a few more people to remember me? Convoluted, but a resounding yes. Like I always say... "If you can't be famous, be infamous." A horrible thing to live by, but I want people to know my name.

It was funny, I knew I was weirding them out... And Molly said that I was creepy, and it almost humbled me, because for a moment I was really, actually, honest-to-God worried about what she thought of me. Strange... I laugh at the Grade 11's. I go out of my way to make myself seem as strange and interesting as possible to them. Most of them. What makes me worried about what she thinks? Oh well, either way, creepy or not, she was being very nice to me today after she read my blog, so perhaps I'm not that weird.

I feel bad for Carolyn. I'm quite upset, so naturally I want to creep into my shell, because that's what I always did and always have done, and I don't know how to tell her that there's nothing she can do for me, because I would be mad if someone said that to me, and I know that it hurts her to hear me say that I jut don't want to talk... The last thing I want is to feel like a bad boyfriend again. I feel bad, as I've said to her, because she never knew what she was getting herself into... I am one weird, quirky, emotional guy. Not conventional in the least. And she had no idea. God have mercy on her.

"I come like water, and like the wind I go". I want to live by that creed. I want every minute to count, because you never know when I'm just going to get up and leave, walk away, get the hell out of Dodge, etc. I want every moment to have such poignancy (fucking overuse of words), I want every second to count, I want every goodbye to be the last. I took a test once, most likely way to die, and it said that I would wander off and never be seen again. I completely agreed. I find goodbyes so hard, because they always feel like the last, so I have a habit of not making them. I just leave. I'm sorry for that. Let's make every moment count... Let's make every goodbye a tearful one.

I want to curl up in bed and cry. Instead, I think I'll kick around the internet for a little while longer. And then? I make no promises either way.

Rumors Of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated...

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he must look at himself in the mirror, when he must take a measure of himself and decide that he's being silly. I mean really, a blog? An online diary? What have I been thinking? What sort of man am I? Yes, there comes a time in every man's life when he must grow up.

So that is why it is with a melancholy smile that I must announce my retirement from this silly little world we call blogging. Livejournal? Blogger? What was I thinking?

Goodbye.

...

...

Ha!

I really, really hope I got at least one person going with that. Come on... Announcing my retirement? How conceited could I get? (The answer is much, much more conceited). But anyway...

I haven't written in a while, obviously... I guess I just haven't been in the mindset to write anything. Just... haven't been in the mood, I suppose. The loss of my laptop didn't exactly help, either... I'm much less inclined to be on the computer when I have to sit down here in this uncomfortable chair, the tower beside me making decidedly funny noises and threatening to crash if the stars themselves have not aligned properly... Basically, this computer sucks. So, combine that with the fact that I've actually been fucking busy lately, and you have a few good reasons why I have not blogged as of late.

Yeah, it's awesome to be too busy to blog... I've been busy doing stuff with Carolyn, with Dave, with Brianne, with The Kids... I've just been all over the place lately.

Oh, yeah, I had a birthday too... 4 days ago I guess it was. I'm 18 now... Porn, voting, credit cards, lottery tickets, adulthood... All these things are now within my grasp. It's... Well, it doesn't feel that different. It's almost disappointing... But I guess I haven't really sat down and thought about it yet. I think I should make an attempt to be more arrogant about the fact that I'm an adult and you guys are still fucking kids (er, those of you who are fucking kids). Yes, that will make me feel grown up.

We watched Mean Creek yesterday. It was incredible. Go watch it... Right now. (Sorry Carolyn)

Hmmm... What else...

I don't know, I've been really satisfied with myself lately. I mean, life... Life is good, life is bad, it's having its ups and downs as usual... For that matter, I'm having my ups and downs as usual... I definitely noticed some times yesterday, watching movies with The Gang (yes, all the capitalizations are purposeful) when my mood would just take a nosedive... It was definitely most noticeable when I was sitting alone... In fact, the only times I ever noticed it happening were the times I say by myself. I just need... To be close to people, you know? When I'm apart, when I'm not cuddled with someone else, or just in contact... I feel all alone, and the worst feeling in the world is to feel all alone in a crowd of people.

I think all alone is the scariest phrase in the English language. I think it's the scariest thing to be... All alone. It's okay to be by yourself... But being alone is different. I hate that feeling.

Anyway, tangent. I've been really satisfied with myself lately... I've just been in love with who I am, to be honest. I'm completely happy with myself... Even when I've done something that would have seemed wrong to me before, I haven't been upset about it... It's like I suddenly got stronger, over night almost.

If that seemed arrogant, it was. But it's okay, because that's not all... I'm in love with us. People. The entire human race. I mean, I love each of us individually, it's true... Almost everyone. And it's not some sort of shallow emotion, it's not me saying that I love people but I really just like people, am happy with them... I feel a burning love for every God damned person around. I love the moments when I get so manic that I have to hug everyone I talk to, over and over and over, no matter how much it weirds them out... Those are my favourite moments of the day. There are times when I absolutely love being unbalanced, when I'm hyperactive and it seems like I can just do everything and see everyone all at once... When I'm so full of energy that it feels like my heart is going to burst and I might not even mind if it did... Those moments make up for ever single time that I feel depressed.

Anyway, tangent. I love the human race. For all our faults, for all the stupid shit we pull, we are just so... Incredible. All that we do, and all that we are capable of... Our infinite power. Carolyn told me it was a pretty twisted example, but let's use global warming... Think about it. We accidentally tamed the Canadian winter! We didn't even mean to, but we did. What could we do if we could harness that power? That's why I hate these trivial little conflicts of ours that divide us... It's always a reminder that we are so different, that to harness that power would be so difficult, and more so so dangerous, for if wielded wrongly, the destruction we could wrought is unimaginable. But, despite all this, we... We are incredible. It's weird, you know? I love riots. I love to hear about these things, these riots and coups and chaos... Because it's all examples of our human power. It's destructive, to be sure, and I mourn that... But did Graham Greene not say that destruction is another form of creation? I wish that power was being put to a constructive use, but even so... The power. I'm always telling Dave... I want to be in a riot, I want to be in a protest... I want to see that power, raw and virile and eternal... I want to see it in action.

I've decided that I thrive on chaos. That's why I just can't stand to stay organized, that's why I'm so random and haphazard, why all these things excite me so... There is nothing better that sliding down the hill of life on one ski, no idea what the fuck you are doing, constantly on the verge of crash and burn... But loving every minute of it.

Oh, what I was just talking about, before the chaos... That's basically humanism. My love of the human race is humanism manifest... There's a quote, where is it now... Ah! Pearl S. Buck said "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels." Well, for me, it's the same, you know? But not only heaven and angels do I disregard... It's the same with all things, pretty much. I mean, animals, I know they have their place, but... Well, there was that philosophy question, way back when, where we were asked "If you were to hit a dog, and you were to hit a human, which would cause you to feel worse?" And, well, I thought it was a no-brain answer... and I was absolutely amazed to find the number of people who said they'd feel just as bad, if not worse, about the dog... Because yes, of course I would feel bad, for all living things are sacred... But that pales in comparison to how I would feel about the person. It was then that I realized that I simply thought differently. Or nature... I love nature. I love it so very much, but... "Of moral purpose I see no trace in Nature. That is an article of exclusively human manufacture – and very much to our credit." (T.H. Huxley)

To sum up Humanism (and humanism): "A humanist is someone who does the right thing even though they know that no one is watching." (Dick McMahan)

It's funny, you know... I was thinking the other day, and I was telling Carolyn about this... I don't want to die. Makes sense, right? But the thing is... I don't want to die ever. I don't see myself ever being ready for it. I mean, think about it... All this shit is going down in this lifetime. Peak oil. Population exceeding food growth. Social security running out. Global warming. All this stuff is going to happen... And we don't get to see the aftermath. We get to make the choices, we get to play the cards... And then we don't get to see if we win. I want to be there, you know? If the world goes to hell, I want to be right in the middle of all the chaos. Death is going to be one great adventure, but... I love this too much to leave. And I don't ever see that stopping.