I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now...

Just reading old blogs, from The Troubles and such. It's great fun. But, I think it is important for me to say... Holy shit. I am not now who I was then. I love the Christopher from then... he was a lot more innocent, a lot more naive... He was just a kid. I know why things happened how they happened... because he was just a kid, and he didn't know what he was doing. He learned, and he grew, and I am so much in debt to the man I once was. If I had never taken all the shit I did, if I had stood up for myself then... I wouldn't be who I am now. And that would just be disastrous.

There are a lot of qualities of his that I wish I still had, that I'm going to attempt to get back. I can see it today, that I've gotten... harder. I'm a little meaner. I'm more willing to make a mean comment, even just in jest. Like... "that's why nobody likes you." I never said that back in the day. I'm joking when I say it... but that's not really an excuse.

Of course, is that true? Was I nicer back then? Or was I more fake? Cato knew me back then, he's known me through all my changes... Wasn't I always manipulative? Yes, I was. Because that's one of my bad qualities that I'm not ashamed of. As a student of people, of how they work, what they do (a sociologist without the degree)... I don't fault myself for using that knowledge for personal gain once in a while. But... was I mean back then too? I don't call myself a mean person now... but am I? Am I still Mr. Nice Guy? It's weird, you know, that once I became a pacifist I became almost less at peace with the world... from physically cruel and mentally nice to the opposite. Then again... maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Myself then or myself now... or both. I'd like a second opinion here... I can't judge myself against others, because I'm too biased. Am I still a nice guy? A good person?

Either way, it's never a bad idea to strive to be better. So, there you have it. Remind me to be a nicer guy in the future.