We're On The Eve Of Destruction...

Thinking of the fact that every single person I see is a conscious, sentient being, each with their own thoughts and feelings and worries and desires... It absolutely blows my mind into a state where I have to suspend my thinking for a moment. I am so conscious of other people's feelings, things like that, that in order to live on a daily basis, especially lately, and not be affected by everything around me, just to survive and continue with my life, I have had to live so solipsistically, to forget about others for a moment and just try to get through things for myself, and to then think these thoughts and open myself back up, it just stuns me into silence.

The wedding was really, really nice. I drank far too much though, mostly because Mom told me I couldn't (and it was a free bar, and I was bored.) I started getting sad too, near the end I suppose, thinking mostly about women and happiness and the effect of one upon the other. And...

I just spoke a sentence that contained more swearing per letter than actual words. I'm lapsing into sarcasm and anger, and... I just had this really wierd, acute feeling, of... a blood vessel in my brain breaking, and red, red, red flowing all through my mind. Anger, it was. I realize that it's simply my drunk mind's way of showing visually that I feel a strange sort of melancholy anger, but it was an interesting image to be presented with. Raaaagggggeeeeee...

I'm sad, and... depressed, again, and I can't tell if this is the same strain as before, but maybe it is, and if so, that's not good. I have no one to be here to comfort me, and words can only go so far. But, nothing can get to me whilst I sleep. I guess I'll just head off to bed then. It seems, almost, fairly sad to go to bed in order to escape being sad though. Whatever.

Wedding was nice though.

But My Dreams Gave Me Away!

Really, really good night of mostly ska. Got punched in the back of the head, got decked in the mouth (and cut the inside of my cheek open), knife-handed some dick of a kid in the kidney for punching a girl in the back of the head (which I know from experience hurts a large amount, and will hurt even more tomorrow), watched Pez (drummer for the Heatskores) ruin said kid's life (aka launch him into the ground about as hard as a Pez-type figure could)... And that was just during the Flatliners.

I really don't like the violence in the pit, especially when I'm wearing bowling shoes with no traction, but yet I find it so incredibly fascinating. And it makes me feel really good when I help people up after they've been knocked down... There was this one poor girl who fell behind me, and no one helped her, and I spun around and grabbed her and lifted her, literally just as a boot smashed down where her head had been. She gave me a huge hug and then was gone into the crowd.

Huh, it occurs to me that that is the first time I've hit someone in anger since The Incident. I'm going to let it slide, due to the circumstances and the fact that it's the nature of the show. I'm going to try not to let that happen again. Hell, I don't even push in the pit when I'm able.

So, let's see... I love the STDs, very, very much. The Heatskores were incredible, as always (and their set was not as hard as some they've had). I really, really adore the Expos... There's just something about grooving out by yourself while everyone does the same that makes me happy... You're just dancing for yourself. No one else, just you. No bullshit pushing in the pit, no grudges because some guy hit you, accidentally or not, no worrying that your next step is going to send you flying into the crowd, and no having to make every attempt not to hit the poor girls skanking in front of you, never mind the fact that they're probably ten times tougher than you are. You're just dancing for the shared, communal love of being able to move in time (or not) to the beat. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

It occurs to me that I made a vow this year... a vow that I would dance more. That I would be happier. That I would bring joy to all those around me. And I haven't been doing well at that lately. And the dancing part... that's where I've gotta start. Dancing heals the soul. And not just that, it... strengthens the soul. So I'm going to start today. Mark my words... the Christopher that used to dance, the Christopher that used to sing, and skip, and be happy... He's making a comeback. He's got a tough slog ahead of him... But he'll be back.

Time to dance. I'll save one for you.