...Who'd Do Anything For You...

I was wrong. Well, I wasn't exactly wrong... I guess I was misguided. I definitely jumped the gun though, I got far too emotional, and... Well, see, I knew Carolyn wouldn't just cast me aside like that, in my heart I knew it... But I let myself get all worked up, and I was already pretty upset about this laptop thing... Though even that doesn't seem so bad anymore. Mom told me that, one way or another, we *will* replace my laptop... Which scares me, because I don't know how we'll afford it, and I told her I could get by without one (though I still doubt that statement), but she said that we'll find a way.

But anyway, the original topic... See, it was never Carolyn's intention to just leave me, she just didn't know what to do... She just wanted to talk about it, but I jumped the gun (as always) and immediately assumed that the sky was falling. It's just... It's weird, you know, because I'm always so... In the moment. I'm always living for right then and right there, and so everything seems so ridiculously significant until I pull myself back and look at the bigger picture... Which I rarely do, because the thing is, I *like* living for the moment, and being emotional, and distracted, and manic, and all over the place... I think it's the best way to live, because you're always paying attention to the little details, and sure, you can look at the big picture sometimes too, but I think it's more important to take note of the path, and the dust at your feet, and the whispers in the wind, and the breeze on your face... It's more important to do that than it is to look at where the path is going. Because you can really walk yourself into some beautiful, beautiful messes that way.

So... I just got so scared that she was leaving me that I immediately got scared as hell and just started to write. As such, you can disregard most of my last post... Love is plenty strong, I am never alone, all that jazz. Don't discount it entirely, because it is how I felt at one small moment in my life... but recognize that the situation has changed, as situations always do. And what is that situation?

That, my friend, is a story for another day.

And Oh, It Wipes The Tears From Your Eyes...

So, I've resigned myself to just sitting down and pounding this out... I haven't updated in a while, and I've been so meaning to... But nothing really too interesting was happening in my life.

Okay, that's a fucking lie... I had women troubles, I had vague Jill issues, there were trials and tribulations, there was... what was that... oh yeah, there was definitely a Christmas sometime in the recent past... I had plenty of shit going on, and yet, nothing that I really felt like "Oh, man, I just gotta get this out, I have to write this down, it's so important..." I mean, nothing that I felt like archiving, nothing really memorable. Christmas was could, haven't gotten anything of any real importance yet, but I'll be getting my camera in mid-January I think, which is excellent... But, other than that, nothing of any major importance.

Well, at least, there wasn't anything before...

So there's this girl, right... And this girl's name is Carolyn. She was at the Spotlight 2 show... I was at the Spotlight 2 show... And so we started talking on Myspace, I added her, and then we started talking on MSN, it was excellent, and all very normal, right? You meet a girl at a show, you guys talk, old news. Right. Except for one thing; I never actually met her. She thought we did, but it turns out that she thought I was Joey. I added her at random on Myspace, after I had seen her make a comment on one of the band's sites, and after seeing my picture, she assumed that I was the guy that she had semi-met at the show. But... I wasn't. So, we had never met, but nevertheless, we got along fabulously on MSN, talking forever on the phone, with our webcams, it was all great stuff. So, anyway, that was all good... And, being that I had nothing to do on New Years Eve, and she was going to have a little get-together, she invited me to come. I got there at about 5:00 pm on Sunday, and left at about 9:00 pm on Monday... And the time in between was... so much more amazing than I had even dreamed it would be. The funny thing is, I'm not exaggerating, because even in my dreams I didn't allow myself that much hope... But sometimes (often), life can surprise you.

I'm not one for details. I've never been one for details. Gentleman never kiss and tell... Except that we kissed, and I've definitely told. You can ask me about my night, but I don't want to write it here... I don't know, it just doesn't seem... right. Y'know? I am not ashamed of anything that happened... In fact, the opposite, I am proud, so proud, because... I really, really like this girl. I do. I mean... I haven't felt this since Jill, and something seems... different about this. I can't explain it, y'know? But... good different. I'm really, really happy... And maybe it's because I know that Carolyn would never, ever put me through the shit that Jill did, because Carolyn is... I don't know, it's hard to say without seeming to put Jill down, you know? And yet... Carolyn isn't like that. Carolyn is amazing.

It's just... The way she does things, she makes me know that she likes me, and because of that, this feels so right. The way she isn't afraid to make a move, she isn't afraid to grab my hand, or lean on me, she makes me completely unafraid to do it too, and in fact, it makes me all the more willing, just because I know that she reciprocates those feelings... The way that she caresses my hand with hers, or my arm, the way that I do to her... It just says something about her, that she believes in this too, and there's no guess work, she leaves no room for my nervousness, my shyness, but I feel as comfortable now with her as I have with any other girl... If not more so. And I've only seen her once.

How else to describe her? She's beautiful. She's smart... And I mean that. Like, she is actually really smart, enough that I've never had one of those "Er... yeah... that's... nice." moments, y'know? I've never had to agree with her out of a desire to avoid making her look stupid. And not only is she smart, she's so well put-together. She knows what she wants to do with her life... hell, better than I do. She sings like an angel. She was the reason I got over Jill... There were so many people that helped me, and yet, without even trying, she was the one that made me see clearly, everything. She... I can't really describe it, you know? Like I said, details, details... I just know that, as a complete person, she is impossible for me to describe. I actually want her to meet my friends, I want people to know that I like her, and I don't feel embarrassed by it at all. I don't feel embarrassed by the fact that I haven't known her that long, nothing about this embarrasses me... Because she has that way of putting me at ease.

There's more to talk about. There are her friends. Her family. What we did. What we will do. And yet... I have said what I needed to say. What I needed to say was this: I really like her. I think she really likes me. She lives in Aurora... And yet, it doesn't feel that far away. For once, I can actually, honest to God, see me having a working, functional relationship at some point. With Jill, I was optimistic. With Carolyn, there's just this... feeling. I know.

We have to wait... She promised her friend four months without dating, as she just broke up with her boyfriend. And that seems bad, right? I shouldn't have walked into that, right? But with Carolyn... it didn't seem to matter. He didn't seem to come into it at all... She's so mature, I know that she knows how to deal with all this, and I never have to worry. For once, I think I have someone who is more mature than me... And I am fucking years ahead of my time. (I say that with the slightest smile on my face)

This may be presumptuous of me. Maybe she doesn't like me as much as I like her. Maybe she won't want to go out with me after that amount of time. Maybe, maybe, maybe... I don't know what she'll think of all this. But, like I said, I think it'll be okay. I think everything's going to be okay. She has a way of doing that to you.