Just Before You Go Insane...

Aw Jesus Christ... I have been subtly mean to Marianne, or she thinks I have, and I didn't even know it... And, now that I see her getting that feeling, I know she can't be the only one. I'm positive there are other people. This is absolutely the worst direction this day could've taken me... And it hasn't been a great one to begin with. I mean, people that I care about, a lot... I've been hurting. I only know one for sure, but the rest... Like, I'm not sure if people realize how important this is. Marianne tried to blow it off, because she was trying to be nice to me. But personal relationships, the subtle interchanges especially... it's so, so, so important to me. When people slight me, in just one of those subtle little ways... it resonates, I feel it, more than if they had just slapped me in the face. And for someone, or people, to think that I have been doing the same to them... it fills me with absolute terror, to be honest. I suddenly realize... here's where I thought I was, here's how I thought things were going, but in reality I've just been sabatoging everything! What do I do?

I do nothing. I crawl into a hole. To everyone, who I have been mean to subtly, and mean to openly, I am... so, so sorry. I am absolutely as much as ever an emotional wreck, now specifically and lately in general. Just when I need people the very most, I've probably been pushing everyone away... And you would all do well to abandon this 'ship (see, how I used the apostrophe there, to denote... fuck it, never mind) right the hell now. I am headed on a course... oh fuck that metaphor. It's not good, alright? I think the only place I am going at the moment is down, until eventually when I explode. In which manner this explosion will happen, whether it's me knifing someone, drowning in my bath water, or simply having a catastrophic emotional breakdown, there is not a one of us that can tell.

I will keep it together at school though. That is very important. I must keep up appearances... I hope, if this disaster isn't averted, that it happens here, at home, alone, and not surrounded by family... Lord knows I've wanted to beat those damn kids more than once in my life, but at least I can promise myself I never will.

Fuck, this entire thing has strayed from any original plan I had. Usually I plan entries out, at least loosely. Now I'm just cathartically hitting keys. Is there an option for this not to appear in everyone's friends lists? I don't want to make it private, that's not me. Aw fuck it, just skip over this whole thing. Of course, it's a moot point if you're down here already.

Alright, so... yeah, those are all the thoughts in my head. Which hurts, very much, I will add. Exact same migraine as yesterday. I think it's the changing air pressure. I hope I still have friends left when this is all over. And don't tell me I will, and don't spill any nonsense on the nature of friends sticking with you in bad times and whatnot. I've already thought of that rebuttal... and this isn't over yet. We've yet to see my full potential when it comes to ruining friendships. Just... duck and cover, people.

If this journal is nothing more than a chronicle of my rise and fall as a person, I hope to God that it at least makes a good story.

My Kind of Lullaby...

Alright... as much as I've been procrastinating and trying to avoid it, it occurs to me that an update would be kind of nice sometime. So... What's going on with me? Jeeze, what *is* going on with me? Well...

Montreal was awesome. Got to see Dave, got to meet the Chris who is not I, and found him to be exactly the kind of Chris I would like to be were I not already exactly the kind of Chris I want to be. Almost every one of the kids in Molson (Dave's Residence) were absolutely awesome... It's really swaying me towards going to McGill. We'll see... we'll see.

The concert was incredible. Philadelphia was not, and Greyhound can go suck a dick, but... I'm not upset at it, actually. It certainly was an adventure... or at least a damn good test of patience. We had such ridiculous runs of bad and then good luck... missing busses, busses being late, not having tickets to the concert, getting into the concert anyway, getting great seats and getting some sleep, not managing to die... That was all good. The concert itself... my God. The Dropkick Murphys were awesome, extremely awesome, and I actually went crowd-surfing for the last song in their set... But Flogging Molly man. They were... holy shit. Just awesome. I need to see them at every available opportunity now. The vibe in the two sets was subtly different, but in just such a way that... well, it was incredible. I fainted while I was in the crowd at one point, but I was so packed in (the littlest guy there) that I stayed afloat, as it were. They played pretty much every song I could've asked for too. Got a good shirt, got the Flogging Molly documentary, felt what it was like to actually be so tired that you want to die... Dave and I decided that we would never go that far to see a concert again, but... I think I would. Yeah... I would. I love adventures.

What else? There's school... Apparently Mother and I have to go in and speak to the Principal tomorrow, because they want to kick me out for being gone last week. Assholes. I'm super excited for Grade 9 Guitar... I have so many things that I want to learn how to play. It's going to be raaaaaaaad.

Things with a certain girl are... well, she's happy. That's good, right? We had an MSN conversation a few nights ago, while I was still in Montreal, and if I said it didn't hurt, I'd be lying, but if I said it hurt a lot, well that would be a lie as well. It was okay, because I was surrounded by friends (yeah... I was, wasn't I?) and alcohol and there was the promise of a wonderful night ahead... But when I got home today, and read her latest LJ entry, I broke into a sweat, my words caught in my throat... I was upset. It was very upsetting. But... what can you do, man? Roll with this punch... She's happy. That *is* good. I really do care about her, and thus I really am quite happy that she is happy. As for me... I'm just making it up as I go along.

Met some damn cool girls at McGill though.

Oh, man, saw a fight... was it last night? I guess it was. A bunch of guys outside a club... I immediately ran over, food still in my hand, to help break it up, and I saw the two guys on the ground fighting, and one guy above kicking one of the downed guys... and rage just boiled over in me for a moment. I wanted to kill him. I was going to kill him, and he never would have even seen his attacker before my thumbs would reach up and find the sockets of his eyes... and I stopped. And I turned around, and I ran to the nearest alley, and I began dry heaving onto the pavement. For one blinding moment of pure animal rage, I was the man I once had been, wild and terrifying, and some subconscious response was triggered, so strong that I felt sick to my stomach. I don't know how I managed to build up that last defense, but I am certainly glad. But for the rest of the night... I was gone. I shivered, and I stared at the ground, I didn't really speak, and I didn't really listen... because I was still there. It all was running through my mind, over and over... what I had seen, what I had done, and what I would have done... I was still there.

Next fight I see, I am breaking it up. I used to do it... Ireland changed me. I let myself slide back a bit, and now I pay the price. It's something to work on... I'm just damn impressed that my body cooked up its own little fall-back plan and didn't tell me about it.

Man, a whole long month of sobriety ahead of me. Did I tell you? I'm detoxing for a month... letting my body heal up a bit, let my mind get used to the idea that drinking is not something I *need* to do... because I have gotten way, way too comfortable with abusing alcohol and using it as a solution to my problems, one which really doesn't work as often as I would like. So, this month is really a test... and I'm torn. One part of me says I have to do this, to prove it to myself. One part of me says I do not have to do anything or prove anything to *anybody*, and I should do what I damn well please. So... this is going to be an interesting month.

So what's my emotional state as of recently? I've been pretty happy. I'm kind of depressed to be back in the grind... University life was fun, for a while. I'm lonely, I really am... I still feel like, just recently, I had this wonderful chance and then... it was gone. I'm still left with the memories and the vague imprints of those feelings... that happiness like no other, not necessarily better, but different. And better. I think that's my main problem these days... so, that considered, I'm doing damn well over here.

Remind me I need to go to the doctor for various things. Until then, vaya con amour, my dearest friends.